On Monday I turn 30.
I've been dreading it since I turned 29.
Not because I have any problem getting older, but because of fertility issues. Yes, I KNOW people get pregnant in their thirties all the time. Yes, I KNOW that I am and need to trust the Lord with our family and future. Yes, I KNOW my body won't flip a switch Sunday night and *know* that I'm 30 and be more difficult. But it's still a mile-marker for me, and with it comes mixed-feelings- including a great deal of pain and sadness.
JC and I have always wanted a big family. We want to celebrate God's blessings of children and share our and His love with them. I honestly thought we would have two or three by now and have our family still growing. With each birthday that has passed for the last 4 years, I thought, "NEXT year. NEXT year I'll have a baby in my arms." Then "next year" comes and goes, with no baby- just the same hopeful thought of "next year". Now my 30th is here- and no baby is in my arms. Instead I've *lost* Sam and Grace, had a quick promise/loss of the little guy in Florida, and had another situation dangled in front of me with no resolution. We are on the waiting list now, and I'm so grateful for that. I know our family will grow. But I'm still hurting in this moment.
How I long to be a mother!
How ugly, burdensome, and scary this milestone looks to me!
Jesus, meet me in this pain. Help me carry this cross and see the blessings that come from it.
"Lord, I believe. Help my unbelief!" Mark 9:24
4 comments:
Thinking of you now. More later when not on an iPhone. Xoxo
This post saddens me so much, but I'm also so thankful you can be so honest. Your example of faith is amazing. God IS working in this season of your life.
I value your friendship so much.
Love you, M
I am SOOOO FULLLL of enormous, gigantic, lofty HOPE for you and your SOON babies, Lauren. I am NOWHERE near depair. I wholeheartedly BELIEVE Jesus has babies in store for you. I BELIEVE He knows their names and exactly how He wants to knit together their precious bodies and unique personalities and fit them just so for life in your family. I love you, L. Ciao.
Lauren, your pain breaks my heart. I so understand it as I had fertility issues too. I know that roller-coaster ride only too well. But I also know that it will happen for you and Jaris. Your baby is in God's hands right now, safe and content, soon to be delivered lovingly to you.
"Begin by knowing that you have already arrived."
Love,
MOM
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