Infertility

Note: Now that I'm linked up with with some of these other Catholic IF girls, I feel I should share my background.   It may be strange to those of you without the cross of infertility, but sharing our history helps us understand each other's pain and cross better. 

All my life I wanted to be a Mom.  I have an amazing mother who taught me the joy that can come from staying home with your children.  Living on a fireman's income, my parents sacrificed a lot to make my Mom's staying home a priority.  My two brothers (now 23 and 18) were both "hard to come by" and so early on I learned about the cross of infertility and the preciousness of life. 

The ache of empty arms began in college.  I longed to meet a wonderful man and begin our large family.  Oddly enough- one of those silly forwards taped on the dorm's door helped me to stop "waiting" for the next stage of life and find joy and contentment in the here and now.  The Lord was growing me in so many ways and preparing me for my amazing husband. 

We got married in June of 2006, and decided to post-pone pregnancy so that I could teach another two years.  Four months later we through caution to the wind when he came home from a deployment unexpectedly.  I freaked.  I just knew I was pregnant and didn't know what to make of it.  I was late.  The first pregnancy test I took said "Not pregnant" and I began to cry.  I began my journey of distrusting pregnancy tests and must have taken 4 or 5 of them, quickly learning how EXPENSIVE they are!!  Our reaction of total disappointment (the first of many) helped us discern how we really felt about pregnancy and we decided to go ahead and remain open to life. 

I decided I'd better get a doctor, having moved when we got married.  I'd need a good OB- since we'd be pregnant within a month or two, right?  There was an NFP only doctor where we lived and I made a consultation appointment with her- just to make sure we liked her.  We brought our charts and sat down with her.  As she flipped through my charts (which we had thought were normal) she began to look up at me as if looking for something and asked me questions, "Do you have hairy arms?" and "Do you get weak and light headed often?".  Then the dreaded question, "Do you mind if I do an exam?" What?  I was not prepared for that!  Ugh!

Then she turned my world upside down. 

She said I wasn't ovulating consistently and probably had hyperandrogenemia due to PCOS- polycycstic ovary syndrome.  This would make it difficult to get pregnant and increased the likelihood of miscarriage unless treated. 

Oh the tears.  I was overwhelmed with fear and sadness. Our prayer life took on a new intensity as we battled with spiritual warfare and trusting the Lord.  Dr. M had put me on the South Beach diet, and- having already been on the low end of the weight scale- when I lost ten pounds unintentionally, my BMI dropped to 17.2.  Whatever South Beach was doing for my hormones, I'd never get pregnant being that skinny!  Plus the obsessiveness with the strictness of the diet was not good for my soul.  I decided to relax with it and follow its principles 90% of the time. 

As of now I've had two laparoscopies for endometriosis, had 9 Lupron shots while my husband was deployed, taken metformin, clomid, dexamethasone, guafenesisn, B6 and magnesium. And still no baby.  We've recently moved to another state and I'm working on getting a second and fresh opinion.  It seems everything I've done has been to get me to ovulate- and when I look at my charts, I think I am ovulating!   Other NFP instructors agree that I am.   This is both encouraging and frustrating!  Yea, I'm ovulating!   So why aren't I pregnant???

There were two years that I "gave up" charting.  Ten of those months because I was on Lupron, and charting didn't make any sense!  But even before the Lupron, I gave up charting because my fertility was taking over our world.  It seems the world's most consistent advice is to...wait for it...RELAX!  Just relax, they all say, and you'll get pregnant!  (As if infertility is somehow MY fault and due to high stress or a lack of trusting the Lord...Oh yes!  If only I prayed more!)  Still, I DID want to relax and not focus on it as much, but how could I when the first thing I did in the morning was take my temperature?  How could I relax when throughout the day I was checking my "fluid" every time I went to the bathroom?  How could I relax when I'd sit there counting days or examine patterns as I dried my hair every morning?  It became too much for my heart, so I put the chart away and just focused on my relationship with the Lord and my amazing husband. 

From the beginning, I prayed the Lord would keep my heart soft.  I didn't want to grow bitter or resentful when others got pregnant. I praise His name and thank Him from the bottom of my heart for protecting me from this.  I have never had a problem celebrating with my friends and family when they announce pregnancies.  Instead, my heart breaks when I hear people mention how they DON'T want children...or at least not now. It breaks my heart and angers me to hear people discuss how kids will ruin their life-style or be a burden. 

Children are blessings.   This I know.  This I can attest to, stand up for, and fight for.  We are able to come to the pro-life table saying, "Don't take this (your fertility) for granted.  You have been given an amazing blessing.  Think twice before you block this gift or discard it." 

Jesus, we trust you with our family.  We know you know the names of our babies.  We know you are making our marriage fruitful in other ways, and using the suffering to mold us into your image.  We love you, Lord, and we trust in you.