Our almost-baby

Wednesday morning, my neighbor Michelle, her 18 month old, and I drove to Orlando for her graduation getting her PhD. Her husband and J were going to come the next day after work. On the way, I got a call from our social worker saying that a birth mom had chose us, had the baby yesterday (Tuesday May 4) and could we go down tomorrow (Thursday May 6) to sign the papers, meet the Mom, and pick up our baby? My heart- scared from past let-downs- kept asking questions- are you sure? Is the mom sure? where's the father? And so on. I was assured with excitement that this was as sure as it got- that the Mom was 19- had a one and two year old- couldn't do another- loved him and was excited about giving him a better life- had plans to go to school... So I called J and we cried together with joy! He put in for his paternity leave and hit the road. The plan was for him to drive half-way, stay in Tallahassee, pick me up in Orlando in the morning and we'd head down to wear the little guy was in South Florida. Can you imagine? Is this the best mother's day gift or what???

Along the way we got this picture from her social worker who again assured me that everything was going great. Isn't he precious? He was two weeks early- 6 lbs and 12 ounces- totally healthy and just perfect. My friend Michelle and I got to Orlando to her family's house. We got her baby settled- I called the social worker again to make sure- ARE YOU SURE? At this point I couldn't get through to the adoptive social worker, but the one I talked to assured me and told me congratulations. So Michelle and I went to Target.

On the way- I made this HUGE deal how the baby section of Target represents so much to me. Depending on my mood I either walk by it longingly, zoom by without looking, or take the long-way around the store to avoid it, but I never go in unless I have to for baby-shower presents or am feeling amazingly brave. I just can't tell you what this represents to me. Michelle and I stood on the edge of the section while I prayed and contemplated whether this was really happening. It was.

Michelle was awesome at helping me figure out what I needed. After putting each item in our cart we'd look at his picture on my phone and ooh and aah. After I was all set- she needed to look at belts for her graduation outfit- so I called my friend Mary to tell her the good news. I very loudly and with such joy and excitement told Mary the story- by this time we were in line and all three lanes were listening to me with interest. I didn't care- I was overjoyed! As they were ringing up my total, the social worker called so I clicked over. As I was handing over my credit card they told me the news. She had changed her mind.

I describe this next scene as an attempt to describe the depth of my pain.

I felt the blood rush out of my body. I saw Michelle's face and dismay as she told the cashier to cancel the order. I heard myself saying, "NO NO NO NO NO" over and over while I stumbled off before collapsing on the floor. I felt myself pulling fists-full of hair. The Target "swat team" surrounded me with questions, "are you okay? What is wrong?". I couldn't even wave them away. I guess Michelle got to me and took care of it. I was devastated.

So what happened? Her parents changed their minds. They had been mad at her for getting pregnant again, but once they saw the baby they couldn't let him go. What could she do? She was on the phone with her adoption social worker (in fact- was on the phone when I tried to call) for 2.5 hours trying to figure out what to do. The next morning she called her back saying she felt really bad and what if she changed her mind in a week? She said over and over again that there was no money and she didn't know how she'd be able to do this. Everyone (social workers) was stunned. She was so solid on adoption. Apparently this happens with grandparents. They rush in at the 11th hour with promises of helping. Sometimes they do, sometimes they don't. I'm told it often comes crashing down over the weekend- which has me on the edge of my seat, but I'm trying so hard to let this go and not hold on to false hope.

We don't understand. Our hearts are broken. My arms have never felt so empty. I keep thinking of what I should be doing right now- changing his diaper, feeding him, watching him sleep... It wasn't supposed to end like this. Please pray for us and for this family. Please pray for our special intention for which we're offering up this suffering.