I'd do it again.

After we lost Caeden Michael, and then quickly found out about Abigail, I feared people would treat our loss as fate- as if we couldn't have adopted Caeden Michael because Abigail was meant to be ours. 


August 31, I wrote the following:
I desperately do not want to treat this as the reason we lost Caeden Michael.  This new baby is NOT why Caeden Michael is not ours.  The Lord was NOT holding out on us or making us jump through hoops to get to our real baby.  When we finally get a baby in our arms, I know we won't be able to imagine life any other way, but that doesn't mean a certain baby is destined to be ours.  I would compare it to dating and marriage.  I do not believe in a single soul-mate for a person.  I could "work" with many different men.  THE man for me ended up being the man I married.  He's the one.  I could have married another "one".  The same is true with these babies.  Sam and Grace could have been ours.  Isaiah could have been ours.  Caeden Michael could have been ours.  This one might be ours.



As predicted, I cannot imagine live any other way.  Abigail is ours!  (Not officially and legally yet, but in my heart!)  How could we live without her?  How could she have been adopted by another family?  Of course she's ours!  Even so, I would not say this was all meant to be.  


And yet, I would do it ALL AGAIN.  

• All the months of infertility.  
• The long, drawn-out drama of the twins.  
• The intense roller coaster of anticipating and losing Isaiah.  
• The crushing blow of losing Caeden Michael.

All to get to Abigail.  


It was worth it.  Every tear, every ache, every seemingly unanswered prayer was worth it.  When I look in her eyes that sparkle and see her face light up with a smile, when she's upset and I'm able to calm her down, when she coos at me as I change her diaper in the middle of the night, when I wear her in the Moby wrap as she naps...I know, I could have missed all of this.  I was so tempted after Caeden Michael to say, "NO MORE.  I can't take it any more.  I'm done hurting.  I want off this roller coaster.  I'm willing to give up my dream of being a Mother."  Instead, with the help of the Lord and my husband, I opened my heart again and began to love Abigail. 


Thank you, Lord, for giving me the strength to be so vulnerable.  I rejoice in my weakness- for your power is made perfect in my weakness.  Your grace is sufficient.  (paraphrased 2 Corinthians 2:9)  Thank you for bringing Abigail into our lives.  I would do it all again.