I Just Can't Do It...

...but He can.  


For a while now, some particular sins of mine have been coming to light.  It began when I got married in 2006.  I often compare marriage to living with a full length mirror.  (I'm sure I read that comparison somewhere, but have no idea where!)  Suddenly I was very aware of my sins- and their effect on my wonderful husband.  Suddenly my selfishness, my pride, my defensiveness were exposed and I saw how they wound.  It became perfectly clear that marriage was going to sanctify me, if I let it!  I was motivated and set to tackle my sins head on.  I did Bible studies.  I went to Confession.  I journaled.  I cried and begged forgiveness.  And I fell again and again.


Now as I hold this precious and awesome gift of a baby girl in my arms, I am once again washed anew with awareness of my sinful ways.  I hold my beautiful daughter and beg the Lord to purify me, lest my sins hurt her- and she learn my evil ways.  Once again, I am highly motivated and trying to tackle my sins head-on.  


And still I fall.  I sin.  I struggle.  I beat myself up and try again.  I take comfort in Mass.  One of the functions of blood is to purity.  Blood removes toxins and fights infections. Week after week in Mass, I pray the precious blood of Christ would purify me and remove the toxins from my heart.  Sometimes I get so tired and wonder if anything is changing at all.


While feeding Abigail earlier this week, I read one of the short chapters in Searching for and Maintaining Peace by Father Jacques Phillippe.  The chapter is called "Patience Vis-a-vis Our Own Faults and Imperfections".He notes that when one is sincerely trying to love the Lord and correct one's faults, the devil senses a weakness in the armor and attempts to capitalize on discouragement and misery.  Father Phillippe explains that we should "as quickly as possible...recapture our peace when we have fallen into sin or have been troubled by the experiences of our imperfections, and to avoid sadness and discouragement" (pg. 57).   He suggests praying in the following manner:


"Lord, I ask Your pardon, I have sinned again.  This, alas, is what I am capable of doing on my own!  but I abandon myself with confidence to Your mercy and Your pardon, I thank You for not allowing me to sin even more grievously.  I abandon myself to You with confidence because I know that one day You will heal me completely and, in the meantime, I ask You that the experience of my misery would cause me to be more humble, more considerate of others, more conscious that I can do nothing by myself, but that I must rely solely on Your love and Your mercy."  


He continues that often the frustration we feel isn't due to pure sorrow for having offended the Lord, but the sting of pride that comes when our self-image is injured.  He quotes Dom Lorenzo Scupoli, who writes of our misery that, 

this is a sign that one has placed all his confidence, not in God, but in himself, and the greater the sadness and despair, the more one must judge himself guilty.  Because he who mistrusts himself greatly and who puts great confidence in God, if he commits some fault, is hardly surprised, he is neither disturbed nor chagrined because he sees clearly that this is the result of his weakness and the little care he took to establish his confidence in God.  His failure, on the contrary, teaches him to distrust even more his own strength and to put even greater trust in the help of Him who alone has power...  (pages 59-60, emphasis mine)

This week, when I have fallen, I have tried to embrace these recommendations.  I have not reacted with surprise, but immediately asked pardon, reminding myself that this is me on my own and that I am nothing without Him!  "Every good and perfect gift comes from above!"  (James 1:17)  I've thanked Him that my sin wasn't worse  and asked for direction on how to repair the damage.  


I tell you, it's like living in a whole new world.  I'd been so weighed down by these sins that pile up!  I'd be "good" for a while, then one I'd start slipping, I'd go tumbling down the hill. Now I feel that peace- even in my sinfulness- and our home and marriage reflect this newfound peace!  I know He will accomplish good- even through my faults- and I trust that He is purifying and sanctifying me!  I'm doing my part- but can relax and trust in my Savior!  After all- if I could sanctify myself, I wouldn't need a Savior!  

Come to me, all you who labor and are burdened, 

and I will give you rest.

~ Matthew 11:28-29 ~

Blessings!