So why don't I?
At every step of this process, I thought I'd feel better at the next step.
During pregnancy, I thought I'd feel better when she was born and I could hold her. But I feared her birth mom wouldn't sign.
At birth, I thought I'd feel better after our angel of a birth mom signed her papers. Then I feared birth dad would contest the adoption.
After signing, I thought I'd feel better when we brought her home from the hospital. But I feared other pressing legal issues.
I thought I'd feel better with some elapsed time. Then the our social worker's "special ring" sounded at 4:45 on a Friday and I FLIPPED thinking she would only call at this time if there was a problem.
As time went by, I thought I'd feel better once TPR came and went successfully. Suddenly I was overwhelmed with irrational and unnamed fear...just fear of losing her.
With TPR behind us, I thought I'd feel better with a court date in place. But instead I find myself thinking about what finalization means. It means we're a forever family.
BUT WE'RE ALREADY A FOREVER FAMILY.
She is absolutely one hundred percent my forever daughter and the tears are spilling over as I write this. To think that in one month we will become a forever family means we're not one now. And I cannot explain the deep deep pain this causes and fear that it strikes into my heart.
I'm no stranger to loss. I've lost every baby I hoped for each month of my cycle. Each month as I thought, "This is it!" and planned how to announce it to everyone, figured out how it would affect my teaching situation or what seasons will happen during what stage... We have tried to adopt FOUR babies and lost them all. Sam and Grace after the Lord compelled me to let down my guard and open my heart. Isaiah on our way to get him- at the check-out counter buying everything for him. Sweet, precious Caeden Michael after I went to every doctor appointment and ultra sound, held him, fed him, gazed into his precious, beautiful eyes...
I'm no stranger to loss. After a while, you start to expect loss. And now we're a month away from finalization. And I am so desperately afraid the other shoe is about to drop...for no reason except that it always does.
So while finalization can't get here fast enough, I'm not sure how I feel about it. Part of me wants to throw a giant party and C.E.L.E.B.R.A.T.E.! The other part of me says to just let it come and go because it's only a paper confirming what we already know- she's ours.
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So many of you are adopted Moms and have had your own losses- some much, much more difficult than mine. HOW HAVE YOU DEALT WITH THIS? Have you struggled with fear? How has the Lord healed your wounds?
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Right before I wrote this, I opened our scanner to scan a recipe for a friend and discovered I'd left one of Emily's prayer cards for Abigail there. Here it is:
Amen.
23 comments:
What a beautiful post! You're such a strong woman!
thanks for the post, I am going to link you to my friend who has experienced equal loss.
you are a forever family, it will just be nice for it to be "official" legally.
I think it's only natural to fear the other shoe dropping after so much loss. Praying!
I've never had a loss, but you articulated my feelings exactly when you said looking forward to next month when you'll become a forever family means you aren't one now.
Our adoption will take a year-and-a-half to finalize. That means, unlike all my other friends who post about court dates and finalization, we couldn't even begin to worry about that. It was too far away. And I just couldn't be in a state of anxiety for the first year-and-a-half of her life. And to focus on that as-yet-unscheduled date as some day to rejoice that she's ours just seemed so silly. At 18 months? She'd been ours since we first held her, and she deserved that just as much as I needed it to ward off anxiety.
Believe me, if I'd suffered a loss I don't know if I'd be able to handle it the same way. But I was so glad to read this post, because she is yours forever. That day will be important and wonderful and will definitely calm your nerves, but she's been your daughter this whole time. And how blessed both mother and daughter are!
I just managed to somehow push all those fears down for the first two years. There were times when they surfaced, but when they did I shoved them back down.
Probably not what a shrink would recommend, but it worked for me.
Our finalization day was quite unusual. When the TPR was signed, our daughter's birthmom was with us - she lived with us - so we just VERY low key went out to lunch. I think we both knew it was momentous, but to avoid hurting each other by celebrating/mourning, we just ate and talked about whatever.
Then we had our court date and same thing - she lived with us. Low key.
Then we got a letter in the mail telling us it was finalized. I think I had to work that day. It was just - a letter that came in the mail.
I know a lot of people celebrate finalization day, and I totally understand why. But for me, it was just another day. Our daughter was already our daughter, like you said, and while she will always know how she came to our family and her birth family, we celebrate her birthday and her baptism day, just like we do for her brother, who came to us through biology.
I feel weird not celebrating her finalization, cause everyone else does so I feel like I should be, but we just never have.
That makes no sense, I know.
LOL!
This is a really beautiful post!
I am sobbing so hard I can't even comment!
Praying for you to have peace!
I have no helpful words. But you have such a beautiful heart! And are always in my prayers!
Ted doesn't know that our prayer buddies ended with Advent. He still prays for you by name in our nightly prayers :) I just let him keep going!
Lauren, as an adoptive mother, all I can tell you is that FEAR IS NOT FROM GOD. Do not let fear ruin this special time with your daughter - abolish it, reject it, do not feed it. Sometimes I would even say OUTLOUD "I will not fear" in hopes that I wouldn't. Read everything you can in scripture about how Jesus tells us "do not fear my little flock, do not be afraid" etc., post it on your bathroom mirror. Read it out loud. Chin up mama, be brave my beautiful soldier - YOU CAN DO THIS! YOU KNOW YOU CAN! My prayers are with you!
Fear and I go way back. I've always been a worrier. From the time I was a young child, I always seemed to fear the worst. If my dad was late coming home, I feared he had been in a car crash, instead of assuming the most likely cause--traffic, a late meeting, etc. As I grew up, I feared being sick. Any headache was a tumor. Any stomach pain had to be my appendix.
Then I became a mother. I missed out on some of the joy of pregnancy fearing miscarriage and stillbirth. I missed out on some of the joy of the first years fearing SIDS and vaccinations.
Now, having sought therapy because my fears morphed into an anxiety disorder, I have to work EVERY day not to succumb to fear. There will always be something to fear. What if my child gets cancer? What if she is abducted? Abused by her soccer coach? What if he rejects all the faith I try so hard to impart and becomes an atheist? What if he flunks out of school and lives with his girlfriend and smokes dope all day watching Comedy Central and eating frozen corndogs? And that's just about the kids. Never mind worrying that Mike will be killed while deployed and I will have to raise these 4 kids on my own and blah blah blah.
I have to battle my fear daily. But little by little, I am learning not to let it rule my thoughts or steal my "now." It's HARD to trust in God. It's HARD to not know what the outcome will be. I want to know NOW!
But I cannot live in fear. And it is a moment-to-moment struggle not to, on some days. Other days, I seem to handle it better.
One strategy my therapist had me do which sounds silly but really helps, was to picture the fear coming to the door. Ringing the doorbell. You answer the door, "OK, fear that Abigail's adoption is going to fall through, what do you have to say to me?" You stare that fear in the face. What does it have to say to you? The answer is nothing. Nothing! Now picture yourself saying, "You can go on your way now" and shutting the door.
My problem was, instead of shutting the door, I would invite the fear in for coffee, mull it over for awhile, until it got so comfortable that it moved in upstairs and I couldn't get rid of it! It dominated the house, or my thoughts, as it were. Now I acknowledge it, because trying to sqelch it can make it come at you harder, and then I consciously send it on its way. That little visual has really helped me.
God bless you always!
Our adoption will be the same as AYWH - it will take over a year to finalize. We briefly thought about finalizing in MD, because it would happen in 6 months (partly b/c we could apply for the tax credit sooner, but also b/c we worried about the anxiety of waiting so long), but it would cost 3 or 4 times as much so we decided against it.
I hope that fear lessens soon - your daughter is TRULY your daughter already!
Your post brings back all the fears I had for our daughter. She was our foster daughter for 17 months before finalization. 14 months before TPR. It's been over a year now since we finalized and the fear is much better. She will be yours forever and ever. Tomorrow though my family faces sending home 2 other foster children after 6 months with us. My husband and I need to decide if this is all we can handle and if we want to adopt again what route we want to take. I'll offer tomorrow and the days that follow for all of our children. It is not an easy road.
Oh precious girl! My heart breaks with you. I love the name of the post. I think it says it all. You are battling. You are not laying down in the valley of the shadow of death but walking. God is able, and His grace is sufficient. You know I struggle with fear and anxiety so I certainly don't speak from a position worthy of offering advice. But I will say that as I have watched you battle, hope has always won out. I am proud of you.
How wonderfully said. You have been through so much loss and remained so faithful and hopeful and the Lord has blessed you with your precious Abigail. COunting down and praying down the days until you finalize and CELEBRATE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
I think you once said to me...perfect love cast out fear! We are praying for you!!!
I agree with Danya, but completely understand your fear! No, we've never adopted, but my husband used to do pro-bono legal work for the Office of Child Advocates and he knows how terrible it is for adoptive parents to have to wait until that final, final court date.
God bless you...you're certainly a "forever family!"
Beautiful post and I can only imagine after all you’ve been through. Sometimes it makes me feel like a bad Christian, too. Am I not loving perfectly enough? Am I not trusting enough? Am I not being faithful? Others make it sound so easy to be fearless! But like you said, it is a battle. You have to enter every battle with the biggest prayer stick you have!
A month away! I'm so excited for you and to watch your family. (Plus, I'm hoping we'll get pictures, then, too.)
I had a scary moment last fall when Baby Tess suddenly had an 18 inch plastic tube become lodged in her heart. I had a 2 hour subway trip alone down to Children's Hospital to see her after the accident.
During the trip, I had my favorite picture of Jesus in front of me, my cellphone in one hand (my connection to my husband) and my rosary in the other hand (my connection to Our Blessed Mother.) I couldn't even pray the rosary, I just held it as if I was holding Our Lady's hand.
Hold on to your husband's hand. Hold Abigail's hand.
And during this long month, go do something ridiculously nice for someone.
During that awful train trip to the unknown, I helped a lost German tourist. I talked to her for 20 minutes about where to buy a tennis racket in Washington D.C. Giving extra charity while I had so much fear inside for my child felt great--a great gift that was totally unnoticed by the recipient.
Hugs and prayers!
Big Abigail
Abigail's comment reminded me of the 30 day wait we had between TPR and being able to find our adoption paperwork. I prayed for the time to pass quickly or for me to stay busy or something like that. My van was totaled by a semi on the interstate (I wasn't hurt badly)and my dad passed away during that 30 days (he had been ill) so I pray your wait is uneventful.
Just imagining the fear is bad, so I know it must be unbearable to live it. I don't think the fear in motherhood ever actually leaves, but we learn to live with it, and drown it out with hope!!
Our situations are totally different...except in the battling fear. I've mentioned in my blog what Fr. Kirk said about battling his own fears and where they come from, and I've learned to use that now in battling my fears and uncertainties about our family's future. I literally picture myself in a good ol' exorcism and just cast them out! "Get thee gone!" I'll even yell out loud in the car, if neeedbe. Might make other people look at me strangely, but it works for me. :-)
I'll pray for you. That works, too.
Man I am late to the party! Anyway, I think it is only natural for you to have anxiety, but just remember that it doesn't come from God. I am praying for peace in your heart as the weeks pass by!
Abigail is absolutely your daughter in God's eyes, Lauren! The Church recognizes you as her parents, and your names are on her baptismal certificate.
In my mind it would be like a married couple joined in the sacrament of marriage already, but their legal marriage license was delayed.
The legal stuff isn't necessary for them to be joined in the eyes of God! And He is the one that really matters!
You are amazing, Lauren! God has been faithful in your journey with Abigail, and He has removed all the roadblocks up to this point. He wants you to rejoice in the precious gift that He has given you! Don't let the fear rob you of your joy! :)
I am praying for you as you approach "Gotcha Day"! What a sweet moment that will be!
Praying for you!
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