Labor Has Begun

Not hers...she's still scheduled for Friday!  (Baby will come home Monday, God-willing.)


Mine.  


My spiritual labor.  


The anxiety, fear, and sorrow for the birth family hit me like a ton of bricks this morning, and like contractions, it revisits me at regular intervals.  I pray through it- often needing to literally sink to the floor or brace myself against the wall and breath through the pain.  Usually simply praying "Your will be done" over and over again is enough to bring me that peace that I crave.  Then I'm able to call to mind times of God's faithfulness.  He was faithful in our adoption losses and He was faithful when our adoption went through.  Regardless of how this turns out, HE WILL BE FAITHFUL.  


I'm noticing a huge difference in how I'm handling this spiritual labor.  In our last four attempts, I sought peace as the world gives.  I analyzed every word spoken and unspoken, every look, every emotion.  I hounded my social worker for her "gut feeling" and encouragement.  I wanted her to tell me this was going to happen.  She would not, but still I pressed.  I wanted someone to tell me in full certainty that this would happen. 


Today, I'm surrendering our unknowns to Him and looking for an eternal perspective.  I'm claiming the peace He gives, knowing that He'll be on the other side of Monday.  I'm thankful for these trials, as they force me to cling to Him with every breath.  I can't do this on my own.  I need a Savior, and am praising God that I have one.  




Adoption is hard.  I'd forgotten just how hard this is.  It is so difficult when our joy comes from a place of great pain.  How do you prepare your heart for these conflicting emotions?  After Abigail's birth mom signed, I remember holding her and feeling totally numb.  I was confused- shouldn't this be the happiest moment in my life? And yet I was exhausted from the roller coaster of emotions and unsettled by the deep sadness that I felt for her birth mom.  I couldn't focus on my joy that day- only hold our precious, precious gift and mourn her birth mom's loss.  


As we inch closer and closer to baby girl's birth and placement, my heart is overwhelmed with sorrow for her birth parents.  How great is their sacrifice!  What a risk!  What pain they are accepting out of love for their little girl!  I have only a glimpse of their pain, and it is crushing.  And yet they remain fully committed to their adoption plan.  I am in awe of a love so great and so strong that it is willing to take on such pain.  And I pray that they will experience the overwhelming glory and joy of the Resurrection.  


Please, Lord, resurrect this pain and sorrow in their lives.  May it bear great fruit and bring forth new life, hope and love.




After reading about this dark side of adoption, some might ask how or why?  I admit, it's much easier now that I have Abigail to hold.  Countless times I have held her and whispered thanksgiving over her. Countless times I have said, "It was worth it.  I'd have gone through a thousand more heart-aches to get to you."  I know I will feel the same with the next baby.  Yes, we are risking total heart-ache.  It is worth it.  God will be faithful and His love endures forever.