Still Bearing Scars

We had another adoption possibility come and go.  I guess it's not officially gone yet- but most likely.

Weeks ago I heard through Megan on facebook that there was a little boy due in July (actually August 4) here in Texas.  His expectant family was looking for a Catholic family for him.  They were having a difficult time finding a family because of his special need.  He has been diagnosed with Down syndrome and has a couple health complications.

I couldn't get him out of my mind, and after the last adoption didn't work out, I kept thinking about him.  Finally I decided to call- just to check on his status.  Surely they'd found a Catholic family by now.  Wrong.  The social worker was about to meet with the expectant mom for the first time and had ZERO Catholic families from Texas to tell her about.  ZERO!  She had one Protestant family in Texas and a few Catholic families from out of state, but that's it.  Needless to say she was very happy to hear from us.  This put J and me into high gear praying and researching.  We searched our hearts and examined our reasons why we backed out of the last adoption.  The last baby was due beginning of May, this one the beginning of August.  Those extra 3 months seemed crucial in helping us overcome some major obstacles.  So we agreed to let the social worker tell the expectant mom about our family, and she liked us most of all.  We arranged to have our first phone call introduction at the beginning of June.

We have used this time to really discern our family's current needs and challenges. We became more and more convinced that this is just a terrible time to grow our family- but how could we turn our back on this little guy?  I shuddered at the thought of the social worker telling this mother, "I'm sorry.  There are no Catholic families in Texas willing to adopt your baby."  What would that do to her faith?  To my faith?

So this weekend I sent out an email.  It was difficult to write because we were, in essence, giving up on this little guy for our family.  But I couldn't believe that there were no Catholics here in our great state who wanted this  special boy.  I emailed a Catholic group I belong to and have been so touched by the responses.  I think my email has gone viral all over the state!  I'm hoping she will have several families from which to choose and be overwhelmed with an appreciation for life.

I am so encouraged at the responses and have hope for this baby, his expectant mother, and our state!
But I am so disappointed that this is not our baby.


The last two days I have really examined my heart.  How did we get in this situation again?  So soon?!   What is the matter with me?  I've discerned a few things.

1. I love big families!  I so want to be part of one!  When I see big families in real life or read about them in blogs, it inspires me.  My Dad's family has six kids and get togethers were so fun.  One of my favorite childhood memories is hearing my Dad and uncles banter at the dining room table at my Grandparents' house.  I've always wanted that for my family.  Each adoption possibility has given us that hope of growing our family.  
2. We are still bearing the scars of infertility and adoption loss.  Each adoption possibility could be our last.  What if this is our last chance?  Are we blowing it?  There is a sense of desperation about it- don't blow this.  After so many years of aching, it is a shocking and unsettling feeling to realize you shouldn't grow your family right now.  It takes a while to sink in.  
3. The small gap in age between the kids is scary- but I want it like a badge of pride.  (Pride being the key word.)  To say I have "3 under 3?"   That is instant rock-star status, yes?  Look out, Duggers- I'm on my way!  I love the pro-life, pro-children message that sends to the world.  But after reflection (and confessing my pride), I realize how ridiculous this is.  If I gave birth to children, I'd likely practice extended nursing, which would probably space our children out more.  It's obviously not a contest or a race, so get over it, Lauren!  
4. I have a heart for these children and also for their birth mothers.  These last two situations have been such that we were the only family who met the birth mom's requests.  How can that be when I know there are so many waiting families!  I want to reward their bravery and openness to life by showing them how thankful we are and bending over backwards to help them!  How could I possibly say no to a woman and baby in need?  

So once again, as I have so many many times, we're placing our family in God's hands, trusting Him to grow it when the time is right.  It is a leap of faith to not pursue adoption at this time, but we will wait on the Lord, trusting Him always.