Surviving...

Saint Paul said it best,

We are Hard Pressed on every side, BUT NOT Crushed;
Perplexed, BUT NOT in Despair;
Persecuted, BUT NOT Abandoned
Struck Down, BUT NOT Destroyed.
(2 Corinthians 4:8-9)

I am surviving.  At times I have to verbally attest to the present moment, but I am surviving.  I will literally say out loud, "I am washing my hair.  I am drying my face.  I am getting out a plate."  God is the great "I AM" and meets me in those moments. 

And I am angry.  How could they do this to her?  All this time, they did not provide support. When she looked for a plan to parent, they were no where.  When she went into labor and desperately wanted her Mom there, she was not there.  In the pain after the operation, no family came. 

But when it came time to sign the papers, they came.  And they threatened.  And they manipulated and bullied.  How could they do that?  How could they see that as love?

And this is the SECOND TIME this has happened to us!  That the GRANDPARENTS bullied their daughter!  I don't understand.

When I got to hold him in the hospital, the nurse came in and asked M if she had fed him.  When she answered no, the nurse responded with playful chastisement, "Girl!  What are we going to do with you?  You HAVE to feed him every two hours!"  It broke my heart and made me SO glad we would be able to care for him.

And now we're not. 

And I wonder if he's fed.  And dry.  And snuggled. 

Or is he hungry?  Crying?  Scared?

I know my heart will heal.  I know the Lord has me in His grip.  I know I"ll laugh again and be able to move on. 

But what of him? 

This is the fourth child we've lost to a dysfunctional family.  The fourth child we will worry and wonder about.  The fourth child we could have loved and provided for.  The fourth child we would have raised to know Christ.   The fourth child to break our hearts. 

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I'm so grateful that my best friend and her two children are here.  They are such a blessed distraction.  It is so comforting to hold their youngest (our Godson), to bury my nose in his neck and love on him.  You can't help but smile when he locks eyes with you and grins with his whole body.  You can't help but move on when their beautiful daughter climbs in your lap and asks for a story.  You can't help but giggle at her facial expressions and dramatic flair.  And that is to say nothing of my best friend- who has a sixth sense- a special gift- for know when you need space and when you need to talk; when just a look would set you over the edge, and when you need to break down in a hug.  She's taken and made phone calls for me so that my family and friends would not be sick with worry and sat on the floor and cried with us.  I am so grateful for her presence here with us.  (We may never let her leave!)

I have not wanted to talk on the phone.  But the comments you have left me have been amazing for my spirit.  As your prayers roll in, I've continued to be amazed.  Amazed at the Rosaries and Mass intentions.  Amazed at the offer to take some of our pain.  Amazed at the tears shed on our behalf. 

Thank you, sweet friends.