Encouragement

This post is dedicated to a friend who has faced a tremendous loss.  I pray that any encouragement that is given or received as a result of this study may pour down Grace upon you and encourage you in this difficult time.  We love you.

"Death and Life are in the power of the tongue." 

Proverbs 18:21 

For the past four weeks we have studied the tongue's ability to kill, maim and wound through criticism, gossip, complaining, and careless words.  I have been convicted and amazed at the power our words have and vowed to use my words for LIFE and not DEATH.  Never again will I wound with my mouth!  


Then I walk away from my computer.  


It can be so discouraging to fall back into sin, especially when you so clearly see the damage it causes.  It is tempting to think the Lord is sighing, shaking His Head and saying to the saints, "She's never going to get it."  But I read somewhere that the opposite is true.  God is omnipotent.  He is outside of time and already knows the exact number of times you're going to fall before you are truly free from that sin.   Instead of sighing, He's jumping up (figuratively) and shouting, "YES!!!!  Only 168 more times to go!!!!"  


That is encouragement.  To speak a word that infuses courage, hope or confidence and to build up a person for good is to encourage.  Saint Paul calls the Lord "the God of all encouragement" in his second letter to the Corinthians.  

Blessed be the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, the Father of Compassion and God of all encouragement, who encourages us in our every affliction, so that we may be able to encourage those who are in any affliction with the encouragement with which we ourselves are encouraged by God.  (2 Cor. 1:3-4)

Did you catch that?  The God of all encouragement encourages US FIRST.  If we are trying to break free of our sinful habits and use our tongue to bring life without FIRST going to the Father, we will fail!  You cannot give what you do not have.  He encourages us- not just in our areas of strength- but in our every affliction.  Whether we are facing external stresses of work, relationships, financial concerns, illness, or loss, or internal challenges such as temptations, struggles of faith, battling pride, greed, or envy, HE WANTS TO ENCOURAGE US IN OUR STRUGGLE.  


If God was our Dad at our little league game, He wouldn't just puff up with pride when we hit the winning home run.  He also wouldn't give false praise and pretend we're the star when we're really the bench warmer.  Instead, He would BELIEVE in us, TEACH us, and HELP us. 


THE PARACLETE:
1 Thessalonians 5:11 instructs us to "encourage one another."  The Greek word for encourage is "PARAKALEO".  Saint John writes, "The Advocate, the holy Spirit that the Father will send in my name- he will teach you everything and remind you of all that [I] have told you" (John 14:26).  The Greek word for Advocate is "PARACLETE"!  THE Paraclete is the holy Spirit!  Paraclete is the noun and parakaleo is the verb.  


By receiving the holy Spirit and all of the comfort, strength, and courage He brings, we are able to act as the holy Spirit in our families, neighborhoods, Churches and communities!  When we encourage each other, we are acting with the holy Spirit!  To be a paraclete is to be an advocate, intercessor, teacher, helper and comforter.  To encourage is to walk along side someone in their journey- helping them when they fall or struggle, and cheering them on when they're at their best.  


WE ARE CALLED TO ENCOURAGE:
Scripture is full of commands to encourage and strengthen each other.  Saint Paul write that we should "Encourage one another and build one another up" (1 Thessalonians 5:11).  The letter to the Hebrews instructs us to "consider how to rouse one another to love and good works. We should...encourage one another" Hebrews 10:24-25.


Hebrews also warns of the danger of a lack of encouragement.  "Encourage yourselves daily while it is still 'today,' so that none of you may grow hardened by the deceit of sin." (Hebrews 3:13)  Without encouragement, we may begin to believe the enemy's lies.  "You're not good enough.  You don't have what it takes.  You're not really loved.  God doesn't have your best interest at heart."  The day to day grind can reinforce these lies, and as a result we can grow strong in self-defense and self-reliance, and harden ourselves to being vulnerable and trusting.  Instead we must receive encouragement from the Lord and take care to encourage those around us.  


The Old Testament speaks of encouragement, too. The Psalms, historical books and many of the prophets spoke about encouragement.  "The Lord God has given me a well-trained tongue, that I might know how to speak to the weary a word that will rouse them" Isaiah 50:4a  


Yes, Lord.  Grant us a well-trained tongue.  Guide us as we learn to speak to the weary- not a word that will weigh them down more, but a word that will rouse them!  Teach us how to encourage one another to love and good works.  Let our words of correction and exhortation be authentic and pure, not condemning or discouraging.  Fill us with your Spirit of comfort and flood our hearts with Truth.  Dispel the lies and give us the courage to open our hearts to you.  Let your Spirit overflow in us so that we may pour out your comfort, consolation, and strength to others.  Thank you for letting us participate with you as little paracletes.  

THIS WEEK:

1. Spend time in prayer this week asking the Lord where you need encouragement.  Sit at His feet while He fills you with His courage, strength, and comfort.  Read Psalm 138:3.  "When I cried out, you answered; you strengthened my spirit."
2. Reflect on a time that you have been greatly encouraged.  How was this accomplished?  Who do you turn to when you need encouragement?  How do they encourage you?
3. Write a letter of encouragement this week.  
4. Try to encourage a stranger simply by showing kindness.  Perhaps the checker at the grocery store or the person next to you in line could use a kind word and cheerful smile.  

*I would like to publicly thank my best friend, Emily, for her constant encouragement over the last eleven years.  Emily, you are the model of encouragement to me.  You build up instead of tearing down.  You speak words of life, comfort, and healing.  You find the good in terrible situations and strengthen that, while sharing the burden of hurt and pain.  When I sometimes wonder how to encourage others, I think of you.  Thank you, dear friend.

WHAT the @#$%&^!!!!!

One morning I was reading a reflection that noted how truly amazing it is that not an idle word or wasted moment will escape God's justice.  He then quoted the following,

I tell you, on the day of judgment people will render an account for every careless word they speak.  By your words you will be acquitted, and by your words you will be condemned.  (Matthew 12:36-37 emphasis mine) 

WHAT???  Jesus said WHAT?????  I practically flew to my Bible to check and see.  Yep.  It's there.  So I ran to the Ignatius Catholic Study Bible to check it.  Yep.  It's there, too.   Oh dear.  This, of course, begs the question:


WHAT IS A CARELESS WORD?

A careless word is a word spoken without careful attention or consideration.  If you are speaking without concern of the subject, or are not accurate in your speech, you are using a careless word.  Have you ever been in an argument and later had to apologize for something you said?  "I didn't mean that..."  That is a careless word.

NO FOUL LANGUAGE
Paul writes in the letter to the Ephesians, "No foul language should come out of your mouths, but only such as is good for needed edification, that it may impart grace to those who hear...no obscenity or silly or suggestive talk, which is out of place, but instead thanksgiving."  (Eph. 4:29 and 5:4)

Foul language and obscenities are clear enough to me, and suggestive talk conjures up sexual tones, so I understand that, too.  But what does Paul mean by "silly talk"?   The Greek word is "EUTRAPELIA " and means scurrility (A vulgar, coarse, or abusive remark or passage) or ribaldry (humorous entertainment in the genre of sexual entertainment, such as pornography and erotica.).  Paul is reminding us that vulgar talk, including obscenities, foul words, or casual sexual slurs, even when joking, does not have a place in a Christian's life.  

JUNK IN, JUNK OUT

One should not speak idle talk, for it is neither useful to those who listen, nor necessary or permissible with regard to God.  (Saint Basil the Great in his letter to Gregory of Nazianzus)

Saint Basil the Great seems to classify talk as being either useful and necessary in regards to God, or not.  Could this be what Jesus means by careless words?  Is talking about the latest episode of Survivor or Charlie Sheen in this category because it is not (readily) necessary with regard to God?  Saint Paul does warn us that those whose minds "are occupied with earthly things" "conduct themselves as enemies of the cross of Christ." (Phil. 3:18-19 paraphrased)  

Many times entertainment distracts us from things of importance.  The very definition of entertainment includes "diversion".  This can be a tool in the hands of the enemy, who delights in nothing more than keeping us distracted and diverted from what is truly important and eternal.  TV shows, headlines and sports are not necessarily bad, but they can be if this is all that we talk about.  Many times popular entertainment works as an opening in the conversation and helps establish common ground.  In this case, talking about entertainment is merely a temporary stage in the conversation or relationship-building in order to get to more important matters of the heart.  

AVOID PROFANE, IDLE TALK

"Avoid profane, idle talk, for such people will become more and more godless" (2 Tim 2:16).  Profane talk describes irreverence or contempt for God or sacred things.  This can be as blatant as "cussing" or as subtle as exclaiming, "Oh, for Heaven's sake!"  Why should we speak carelessly about something as glorious and sacred as Heaven?  

There was a period in my life when I spoke filthy words regularly.  Through the years, I have been amazed at how difficult it is to rid myself of these words.  I've found that hearing foul words, usually in movies, allows them to echo in my mind, cluttering it from more important things.  In times of distress or fear there is a certain word that flies out of my mouth.  Last summer I fell down the stairs and yelled the word with each step I hit on the way down!  I was so angry with myself that I decided I needed a new approach. Instead of simply trying to hold it inside, I begged the Lord to give me another word.   If I need to say something, let it be something that brings glory to Him!   This was hugely successful for me, but I find if I am lacking in my prayer life or neglect to receive Grace in the Sacrament of Confession, the words find a way to creep back into my mind!

WHAT TO TALK ABOUT

• Words needed for edification (Eph. 4:29)
• Words that impart grace (Eph. 4:29)
• Words that give thanks (Eph. 5:4)
• Words that speak of His glory and tell of His great works (Ps. 145:11)
• Words that speak of loving the Lord with all your heart, soul and strength.  (Deut. 6:5-7)
• Words that lighten the moment or make people laugh (Proverbs 15:13-15 and 1 Thes. 5:14)
• Words of encouragement (Proverbs 16:24)

The next two weeks will focus on using our tongue to bless others.

HOW TO OVERCOME FOUL LANGUAGE

1. THINK before you speak!
2. WEAR a rubber band around your wrist and snap it if you say the word.
3. STOP AND REPEAT the sentence several times without the negative word.  
4. PAY a designated amount of money in a jar each time you say the word.  Use it for a good cause.
5. PAY ATTENTION to when you struggle the most with your words.  Perhaps you need a break from a certain group of friends or to avoid certain movies. 
6. APOLOGIZE to the person or people to whom you have spoken foul language.  
7. PRAY! Ask the Lord to be the gatekeeper of your lips!  (Psalm 141:3)

Complaining

My junior year of college, I gave up complaining for Lent.  To keep myself in check, I pledged to not eat chocolate on any day that I caught myself complaining.  


I didn't eat a lot of chocolate that Lent!  


I was amazed to discover just how much complaining I do!  Often I complained just to make conversation.  "The weather sure is awful."  "I am so tired!"  "I have so much homework and two huge tests next week!"  This certainly isn't earth-shattering, but it's negative all the same.  The experience heightened my awareness of my speech and the effect of negative vs. positive words on my attitude.


Scripture paints a unfavorable picture of people who complain.  Saint Jude writes,

Behold, the Lord has come with his countless holy ones to execute judgment on all and to convince everyone for all the godless deeds that they committed and for all the harsh words godless sinners have uttered against him.  These people are complainers, disgruntled ones who live by their desire; their mouths utter bombast as they fawn over people to gain advantage. (14b-16)

Who are the complainers?  The godless sinners who have uttered harsh words against him.  YIKES.   When we blame the Lord for our infertility or a natural disaster, we are included in this category.  


WHAT'S WRONG WITH COMPLAINING?


When we complain, we're doubting God.  
King David warns that those who complain are tempted to not obey.  Complaining also discourages others from listening to and obeying God.  "In their tents they complained; they did not obey the Lord."  (Ps. 106:25)


When we complain, we drag others down.
Whether our complaints are criticisms or just pointing out the negative in circumstances, complaining is a downer!  Often the first few words we speak to someone can set the mood for the entire conversation or day.  For example, when my husband comes home, do I want to spend those first few moments focused on the negative and dampen his spirit, or on the positive and set a joyful tone for our evening?  


When we complain, we're focused on the negative.
This can lead to focusing on what we don't have, which sparks feelings of jealousy or envy.  This can lead to greater anger or unrest.  This is what happened when Joseph's brothers were jealous and sold him into slavery.  


When we complain, we're ungrateful to God.
"Harsh words...uttered against him" is not limited to blasphemy but includes ingratitude. As Moses led God's people through the desert, there was much complaining.  Despite the incredible escape and miraculous provision of daily manna, the people complained 

"We remember the fish we used to eat without cost in Egypt, and the cucumbers, the melons, the leeks, the onions, and the garlic.  But now we are famished; we see nothing before us but this manna.  When Moses heard the people, family after family, crying at the entrance of their tents, so that the Lord became very angry, he was grieved."  (Numbers 11:5-6, 10)

1 Corinthians 10:10 commands us, "Do not grumble." 

The remedy?  

1 Thes 5:18, "In all circumstances, give thanks."  

In The Hiding Place Corrie ten Boom tells her story of working underground to help Jews who were trying to escape Nazi concentration camps.  She and her sister, Betsie were eventually caught and placed in horrific concentration camps themselves.  After smuggling in a Bible, they hold a Bible study for the women in the barracks. After reading 1 Thessalonians 5:18, "In all circumstances, give thanks," the following occurs:

“Thank You,” Betsie went on serenely, “for the fleas and for -”

The fleas! This was too much. “Bestsie, there’s no way even God can make me grateful for a flea.”

“‘Give thanks in all circumstances,;” she quoted. “It doesn’t say ‘in pleasant circumstances.’ Fleas are a part of this place where God has put us.”

And so we stood between piers of bunks and gave thanks for fleas. But this time I was sure Betsie was wrong.

Later Corrie and Bestsie discover that the reason the guards never enter their barracks.  Why?  Because it's well-known to be infested with fleas!  The fleas are the reason they're able to have their prayer time and Bible study!  The Gospel was shared again and again and hearts were ministered to as a result of the freedom that the fleas provided.  "Give thanks in all circumstances" indeed!

A CHOICE:

It's as simple as a choice.  Are you going to complain or be positive?  I remember a silly song we used to sing as kid in Vacation Bible School that went like this,

Are you grumbly hateful,

or humbly grateful?

1. Choose like Job: Job, suffering from enormous loss and accusations from friends and his wife, states his choice loud and clear, "I say, I will forget my complaining, I will lay aside my sadness and be of good cheer."  (Job 9:27)

2. Think like Paul:

"Finally, brothers, 

whatever is true, whatever is honorable

whatever is just, whatever is pure,

whatever is lovely, whatever is gracious,

if there is any excellence and if there is anything worthy of praise, 

think about these things."  (Philippians 4:8)

The Ignatius Study Bible comments on this verse, "he challenges us to ponder all that is virtuous in order to crowd every impure and unworthy thought out of our minds.  This implies a close relationship between contemplation and conduct." (Ignatius Study Bible, pg. 362)  

3.  Be grateful like David:  In the midst of trials and tribulations, David commands us to "Offer praise as your sacrifice to God."  (Psalm 50:14)  Praising the Lord and thanking Him for the gifts He has given us, is often the hardest thing to do.  When we are in a low moment, you want to do anything BUT thank Him.  But thanking Him and offering Him praise, despite our troubles, can do more to lift our spirits than anything else!

4. Complain like James: If there is a problem that needs to be addressed, do so with a ready solution.  At the Council of Jerusalem, Saint James summarizes the problems in asking the gentiles to be circumcised and offers a solution to "stop troubling the Gentiles who turn to God" (Acts 15:19) and instead of focusing on outward details such as circumcision, focus no matters of the heart such as idolatry and adultery.  Sometimes problems must be brought to light.  Ask yourself: are you voicing your complaint in order to solve the problem or just to vent?  

WHAT TO DO:

1. Listen to the following!  Check out this song which puts Philippians 4:8 to music!  (Unfortunately the translation is different, but still awesome!)  (Seeds Family Worship cds are wonderful.  Each song is a Scripture passage put to music.  It's simple lyrics and upbeat style is fun for the whole family.  Abigail and I listen to them every morning as we play.  It's a great way to memorize Scripture!)
2. Keep a Thanksgiving Journal.  Begin and end your day by naming five things for which you are thankful.  
3. Turn your complaints into thanks.  If you hear yourself complaining, add the word "BUT" to the end and turn it into a praise. For example, "I'm so tired, but am thankful I have a warm place to sleep."  
4. Memorize Job 9:27

"I say, I will forget my complaining, 

I will lay aside my sadness and be of good cheer."

Want some juicy GOSSIP?!?

Well, you've come to the wrong place!  :)

Why?  Because...

"Gossip is a disease that infects and poisons the apostolate. It goes against charity, means a waste of energy, takes away peace and destroys one's union with God."  (St. Josemaria Escriva, The Way)

That's quite a list!  Let's look at that list again:

• Gossip is a disease that infects.
• Gossip poisons the apostolate.
• Gossip goes against charity.
• Gossip is a waste of energy.
• Gossip takes away peace.
• Gossip DESTROYS one's union with God.

When I began student teaching, I had the cutest, sweetest mentor teacher.  The first day she let me know that she avoided the teachers' lounge like the plague because it was a haven for gossip.  She explained, "There's gossip about the students, gossip about the parents, and gossip about the teachers. So I don't go in there!"  

Such wise advice that stuck with me.  But when I started teaching, I enjoyed the fellowship with teachers and wanted to spend time with them, so I bravely opened the door to the teacher's lounge.  Yep.  Gossip was a huge temptation.  To help me, I bought the book Gossip: Ten Pathways to Eliminate it from Your Life and Transform Your Soul.  It convicted me of the evils of gossip and motivated me to eliminate it from my life.  

SPEAK NO EVIL

If it's so evil, why do we do it?  Dr. Laura addresses gossip in her book The Ten Commandments under the commandment, "Thou shalt not kill."  

1. "To feel or seem more important"(pg. 197) Everyone's eyes are on you!  
2. "To raise their status through the lowering of someone else's" (pg. 197) Painting a bad picture of others makes us look better!
3. Just for the entertainment value" (pg. 198)  It's entertaining and acceptable!

But let's examine the harm done for such a momentary pleasure.  James 3:6 states, "The tongue is also a fire.  It exists among our members as a world of malice, defiling the whole body and setting the entire course of our lives on fire, itself on fire by Gehenna."  It's easy to see how gossip starts a fire.  A tiny flame- a word or look here or there- gets repeated and fanned out until it's a roaring flame, threatening to devour us.  It's interesting that he notes it defiles the whole body, when we consider that we are all the body of Christ. He goes on to command us in 4:11a "Do not speak evil of one another, brothers."  And in Numbers 12:1,9-10 Miriam is punished with leprosy after gossiping about her brother's marriage.  

King David had strong words for gossipers as well:

You give your mouth free rein for evil;
you harness your tongue to deceit.
You sit maligning your own kin,
slandering the child of your own mother.  (Psalm 50:19-20)

We MUST NOT GOSSIP!  This includes

• Repeating information- even if it's true, known, or just a joke- it's not necessary or kind.
• Asking people to pray for a person - and revealing the juicy details.  There's no such thing as holy gossip!  If a person has asked for prayers, you can either ask permission to widen the prayer circle, or possibly share the request with VERY limited information.  The onus is on YOU to protect the person's privacy and reputation.  If there's a doubt, don't share.  
• Gossiping or complaining about our husbands (or wives!)  This just makes you look bad.
• Repeating information to our husbands (or wives.)  If it's something you feel they need to know, ask permission first!   Marriage is a sacred relationship.  Don't infect it with evil.

HEAR NO EVIL

Maybe you're convinced to speak no more evil of others!  But it's not your fault if you overhear something!  Or is it...

The book of Numbers tells the story of Joshua and the spies.  Moses sends Joshua, Caleb, and ten others to scout the Promised Land before they invade. The twelve spies return, and ten of them spread damaging rumors about the land of giants.  As a result "the whole community broke out with loud cries, and even in the night the people wailed.  All the Israelites grumbled against Moses and Aaron..."  Numbers 14:1-2a  Only Joshua and Caleb remained faithful to the Truth, as well as recalled the saving power of God, pleading with the people not to lose heart or faith.  The scene is the perfect illustration of the following quote:

Joy in hearing useless things gives direct rise to distraction of the imagination, gossiping, envy, uncertain judgments, and wandering thoughts, from which flow many other pernicious kinds of harm.  (Saint John of the Cross, The Ascent of Mount Carmel)

When you hear gossip, your imagination can go wild, painting a much more extreme picture of what is really happening.  You may be tempted to jealousy of what you think a person has or doesn't have.  Perhaps you thought you knew someone, but now aren't sure.  Or perhaps you didn't know a person at all, but now you think you do!  All of these result from listening to gossip.

What can you do if gossip is happening in your presence?  Saint Francis de Sales has solid advice in Introduction to the Devout Life. 

When you hear ill of anyone, refute the accusation if you can in justice do so; if not, apologize for the accused on account of his intentions...and thus gently check the conversation, and if you can, mention something else favorable to the accused.

Let's examine that more closely, as well as other tips.

• Refute the accusation.  
• Apologize on their account.
• Change the subject.
• Mention something favorable about the accused.
• Give the person the benefit of the doubt.  
• KNOW that it WILL get back to them.  It always does.  
• Walk away.
• Tactfully point out that this is gossip.  This one is tricky because you don't want to embarrass the speaker, but often times simply calling a spade a spade defeats the problem.  

So what CAN you talk about?  Ask questions!  Be interested in the life of of the person you're talking to!  Be interesting, period!  Learn something to discuss!  (Is anyone else reminded of "Joey" buying the "V" encyclopedia on "Friends"?)  My husband explained that in boot camp, they were required to be familiar with three news stories every morning, one local, one national, and one sports, so that they would have something to discuss.  Brilliant!  Share your heart, your story, your faith.  Be a blessing!

My Name is Gossip. I have no respect for justice. I maim without killing. I break hearts and ruin lives.I am cunning, malicious and gather strength with age.The more I am quoted, the more I am believed.I flourish at every level of society.My victims are helpless. They cannot protect themselves against me because I have no name and no face.To track me down is impossible. The harder you try, the more elusive I become.I am nobody's friend.Once I tarnish a reputation, it is never that same.I topple governments and wreck marriages.I ruin careers and cause sleepless nights, heartaches and indigestion.I spawn suspicion and generate grief.I make headlines and headaches.Remember, before you repeat a story, ask yourself:Is it true? Is it fair? Is it necessary??If not, do not repeat it,

KEEP QUIET!  

(author unknown, but taken from Dr. Laura's The Ten Commandments, pg. 203)

WHAT TO DO:

1. Consider when you are most tempted to gossip.  What is driving that temptation?  How can you proactively take steps to avoid gossiping in that situation?
2. Apologize to at least one person whom you have gossiped about.  Yes, I know.  This is a serious case of humble pie- I've had to do it.  But it goes a LONG way in ensuring you'll think twice before gossiping again!!!
3. Reread the reasons why people often gossip.  Do any of these hit home with you?  Spend some time in prayer this week addressing this.  
1. Need to feel important?  Listen to the Lord as He tells you "You are precious to in my eyes, and glorious, and because I love you." (Isaiah 43:4a) and "He will rejoice over you with gladness, and renew you in His love.  He will sing joyfully because of you, as one sings at festivals."  (Zephaniah 3:17-18a)
2. Trying to look better than someone else?  "Do nothing out of selfishness or out of vainglory; rather, humbly regard others as more important than yourselves."  (Phil. 2:3)
3. Know it's "bad', but think it's fun?  "So turn from youthful desires and pursue righteousness, faith, love and peace, along with those who call on the Lord with purity of heart."  (2 Tim 2:22)

CRITICISM- to destroy

A couple months ago, I told a story about an old lady at the grocery store.  I had been wearing Abigail in the Moby wrap and this cute old man pointed out Abigail to his wife.  She was smitten, naturally :), and started coming at Abigail quickly, and for some reason I was uncomfortable.  I didn't know what it was about her- she seemed fine enough- but I turned Abigail away and apologetically explained that I had to be really careful with her immune system...blah, blah, blah.  I felt like a total jerk.  

BUT THEN, the old lady saw her husband put something in the wrong cart by mistake and she went crazy!  She hobbled over to him, grabbed his jacket and pulled him around.  She shouted at him, called him an "idiot" and spewed total hatred.  I practically RAN to the next aisle.  I shared the story before to explain I was so thankful that I had trusted my instincts and sheltered Abigail.  

But now I look back on that incident and wonder, "How many times have I been two-faced?"  

James 3:9-10 says

With it we bless the Lord and Father, and with it we curse human beings who are made in the likeness of God.  From the same mouth come blessing and cursing.  This need not be so, my brothers.

Yes with the same mouth I love and praise the Lord, then wound my loved ones.  How many times have I literally left Church only to utter a harsh word or sigh unnecessarily.  How two-faced!  I'm no better than that woman in the grocery store!  (I just know how to be more discreet!)


If you've ever been on the receiving end of criticism, you know how it can cut right through you, leaving you wounded.  Perhaps you've seen the pain on the face of a loved one as you've cut them to the quick.  Or maybe they've slumped down in defeat as you've criticized their ability.  Maybe they've lashed back out of you.  Whatever the reaction is, the wound is real.  This is Scriptural.  

"The prating of some men is like sword thrusts, but the tongue of the wise is healing." Proverbs 12:18, New American Version

 The same verse is translated as the following in The Message Bible:  

"Rash language cuts and maims, 
   but there is healing in the words of the wise."

Do we want our words to be like sword thrusts?  Do we want our loved ones to be cut and maimed by our speech?  To maim is to permanently damage.  Permanently!  Are you cringing?  I am!!  Convinced of the harm of criticism yet?  Hold onto your hats...

No foul language should come out of your mouths, but only such as is good for needed edification, that it may impart grace to those who hear.  And do not grieve the holy Spirit of God, with which you were sealed for the day of redemption.  ALL bitterness, fury, anger, shouting, and reviling must be removed from you, along with all malice.  [And] be kind to one another, compassionate, forgiving one another as God has forgiven you in Christ.  So be imitators of God, as beloved children, and live in love, as Christ loved us and handed himself over for us" (Ephesians 4:29-5:1, emphasis mine.).

"Do not grieve the holy Spirit of God."  


"Don't break His heart."  (The Message Bible)


Did you know your words can BREAK HIS HEART?  Did you know your words cause the Lord to GRIEVE?  What kind of words?

• BITTER
• FURY
• ANGER
• SHOUTING
• REVILING

Can you imagine the holy Spirit in grief over what you have said?  I don't want to grieve my friend, much less the Lord of Heaven and Earth, the King of Kings and my Savior!  Saint Josemaria Escriva, who founded Opus Dei, says this of criticism,

To criticize, to destroy, is not difficult; any unskilled laborer knows how to drive his pick into the noble and finely-hewn stone of a cathedral.  

To construct: that is what requires the skill of a master (The Way).  

Anyone can react with a condescending or angry attitude!  But Christians, literally "little Christs" are called to be Christ to others.  We should calm a situation with a mild answer, rather than stir up anger with a harsh word, as said in Proverbs 15:1.  The passage in Ephesians instead calls us to be:

• KIND
• COMPASSIONATE
• FORGIVING
• IMITATORS OF GOD
• BELOVED CHILDREN
• LIVING IN LOVE

I can't help but noticed that this passage comes almost immediately before the famous passage in Ephesians 5 which speaks of the relationship between husband and wives, reverence, love and subordination.  A properly ordered marriage must have a foundation of healing and life-giving speech!  I like to think that I embrace my role of being subordinate to my husband in love and that I look to him as the head of our marriage.  But though I trust him completely to make life-changing decisions and move us across the country, I often don't trust his ability to find a parking spot!  Why do I make comments like that?  Why is my way the "right" way?  I am vowing to hold my tongue and obey the old adage, "If you don't have anything nice to say, don't say anything at all!"

When should you speak?  One of my favorite authors, Linda Dillow, addresses this very question in her book Satisfy my Thirsty Soul.  She writes, 

Check your tongue temperature.  Ask yourself the three questions that Amy Carmichael, godly missionary to India, asked before she spoke.  These three simple, yet profound questions helped her glorify God with her words:

• IS IT KIND?

• IS IT TRUE?

• IS IT NECESSARY?

What to do:

1. Ask the Lord to help you identify the "why" behind your criticism.  Examine your motivation.  Are you acting out of control?  Defense?  Low self-worth?  Are you trying to level the playing field with your words?  Is this a habit to which you've grown accustomed because you were heavily criticized?  Ask the Lord to come into this area of your heart and heal your wounds.  You may find it helpful to keep a list of what happens right before you criticize.  This may assist you in finding a pattern.
2. Continue to commit Psalm 141:3 (below) to memory.  Write it on an index card and tape it to your mirror.  Sometimes I write it on a few index cards and place them around my home!
3. Promise to speak at least one word of encouragement to your family this week.  

"Set a guard, Lord, before my mouth, 

a gatekeeper at my lips."

Blessings!!!

The Power of the Tongue

"Death and life are in the power of the tongue."

Proverbs 18:21b

In the last several years I have noticed a pattern of behavior involving sinning and my tongue.  As I rattle off my sins in confession to the Lord, I'm amazed at the number having to do with speech:

• criticism
• gossip
• harsh words
• sarcasm
• complaining
• swearing

These sins have particularly come to light in my marriage and I have fought to overcome them, but I continue to struggle.  Now I look at my beautiful daughter and wonder what pain my tongue will cause her- and will she continue the cycle?

Saint Faustina wrote in Divine Mercy in My Soul, 

There is life, but there is also death in the tongue.  Sometimes we kill with the tongue: we commit real murders.  

Kill?  Real murders?  Life and death?  This is a big deal!  This Lent, I am diving into God's Word to find out what HE says about the power of the tongue.  I will write about a related topic each Friday during Lent.  In addition I am fasting from sugar (including my evening chai tea which I look forward to all day!) in hopes that my words will become sweeter.  For Proverbs 16:24 says "Pleasing words are a honeycomb, sweet to the taste and healthful to the body."


Saint James wrote extensively on the subject in the third chapter of his letter,

Not many of you should become teachers, my brothers for you realize that we will be judged more strictly, for we all fall short in many respects.  If anyone does not fall short in speech, he is a perfect man, able to bridle his whole body also.  If we put bits into the mouths of  horses to make them obey us, we also guide their whole bodies.  It is the same with ships: even though they are so large and driven by fierce winds, they are steered by a very small rudder wherever the pilot's inclination wishes.  In the same way the tongue is a small member and yet has great pretensions.  

Consider how small a fire can set a huge forest ablaze.  The tongue is also a fire.  It exists among our members as a world of malice, defiling the whole body and setting the entire course of our lives on fire, itself set on fire by Gehenna.  For every kind of beast and bird, of reptile and sea creature, can be tamed and has been tamed by the human species, but no human being can tame the tongue.  It is a restless evil, full of deadly poison.  With it we bless the Lord and Father, and with it we curse human beings who are made in the likeness of God.  From the same mouth come blessing and cursing.  This need not be so, my brothers.  (James 3:1-10)

The first paragraph of James' letter reminds me of what the Desert Fathers taught.  If a person came to them struggling with some sin, their first recommendation was to FAST.  Because he who controls his stomach, controls the rest of his passions.  Here Saint James claims that if our tongues are under control, the rest of our behavior will be as well.

Words are important.  Jesus Christ is THE WORD made flesh.  The Lord created the world using His Word.  Words have the power to wound or heal, kill or give life.

During Lent we will examine

• Criticism
• Gossip
• Complaining and negativity
• Junk: idle talk and swearing
• Encouragement
• Praise
• Silence

Will you join me?  

1. Spend some time in prayer reading James 3:1-10 and Proverbs 18:21.  Ask the Lord to reveal to you what is your sin pattern.  Where does your speech fall short?
2. Memorize with me "Set a guard, Lord, before my mouth, a gatekeeper at my lips."  Psalm141:3 

I hope and pray that my journey to conquer my tongue will be a blessing to you!