Longing

Last night I had a dream. 


The beginning is fuzzy, but we had a baby and it was our first night at home together.  It must have been an unexpected adoption because we only had a few diapers that were WAAAYYY too big.  It was one of those anxiety dreams where everything is going wrong- though strangely the two things that kept going wrong are two things I'm quite familiar with doing: changing diapers and making formula.  And yet, through the anxiety and frustration there was such an overwhelming sense of joy and peace.  I was holding our precious daughter.  And then I woke up.


I have not been able to shake this dream, nor the longing that it brought.  It's towards the end of my cycle and my temperature was up the last two days.  If it's up three days, you take a pregnancy test.  But it was back down today.  For the last two days my heart has been alternating between, "Could it be, Lord?  This time?  Please?" and "Don't be silly.  You've been fooled before." 


I've also been reading the adoption story of Clara here and as I read the final chapter, I just cried and cried.  How I long to experience these things.  We're going to an Easter Egg Hunt this afternoon with my Bible study group and part of me wants to cancel.  It's too hard.  Too hard to bring eggs and a snack but not get to take pictures of my little one and exchange stories of the silly thing she did today or how frustrated he made me last night.  When will it be our turn?