But lately, I've been questioning the wisdom of this- particularly with Abigail. People ask so many innocent questions and comments, such as:
- You look amazing!
- When did you have her?
- Did she get that dark hair from her Daddy?
- You must have had a lot of acid reflux for her to have all that hair!
- That skin color! It's gorgeous! (usually followed by them looking at me, Casper, incredulously!)
I have found myself answering by explaining that we adopted this precious baby. Do I need to tell passing strangers this information? I'm obviously proud that she has come to us via adoption, but do strangers need to know this? This revelation typically leads to more questions, and I'm not sure what I should and should not share about Abigail's story. It is, after all- I'm learning, Abigail's story.
So I'm learning how to shut my mouth and rephrase answers to suit my purposes without lying.
- You look amazing! Depends on who says it. "Thank you" unless it's by a new mother. Then I don't want her to develop a complex!
- When did you have her? She's ___ weeks old! (Draw your own conclusion!)
- Did she get that dark hair from her Daddy? Yep! (as I think to myself, "just not the way you think!")
- You must have had a lot of acid reflux for her to have all that hair! There was a lot of acid reflux. (Just not in my body!)
- That skin color! It's gorgeous! Thank you! Her Daddy's gorgeous!
I'm also learning how to OPEN my mouth at the risk of hurting feelings. I've had to say, "I'm not comfortable sharing that information." It just about killed me. I tried to say it as naturally as possible and move on quickly, but the words felt clunky, awkward and uncomfortable. I need to practice.
I had to tell an old lady to back off at the grocery store this week. I was wearing Abigail in the Moby wrap and this cute old man pointed out Abigail to his wife. The doctor told me to limit Abigail's contact with kids and the elderly, two groups who are drawn to her like a magnet! Usually the Moby wrap is pro-active in this endeavor, as people are less hesitant to invade my personal space. But not this old lady. She was coming at Abigail quickly, and I was uncomfortable. I didn't know what it was about her- she seemed fine- but I turned Abigail away and apologetically explained that I had to be really careful with her immune system...blah, blah, blah. I felt like a total jerk.
BUT THEN, the old lady saw her husband put something in the wrong cart by mistake and she went crazy! She hobbled over to him, grabbed his jacket and pulled him around. She started calling him an "idiot" and spewing total hatred. I practically RAN to the next aisle. I was so thankful that I had trusted my instincts and sheltered Abigail. I doubt anything would have happened, but it confirmed that I should trust my instincts with people and feel free to speak up.
It's taking some practice, but I'm learning. After all...
"There is an appointed time for everything,
and a time for every affair under the Heavens."
A time to open mouths, and a time to shut them!!!
27 comments:
I love this.. I am going to call you...
Continue to trust your instincts and never regret doing what feels right for your little one.
Happy two months btw!
Sounds like you're doing a wonderful job taking care of Abigail! Remember, Mommy ALWAYS knows what's best!
I think you are doing JUST FINE! Good job, Mama!!
(I am an open book, too, so I totally get you!)
Lauren, I love your super clever responses to personal questions. I think that's one of the hardest issues for women like us to deal with. Trust me, it's hard to respond to questions like, "So, when are you and your husband going to have children?" I just got that question five days after my diagnostic laparoscopy. Talk about hard to answer, "Yeah, we thinking about that. We have lots of time."
Clever is the word:) I love your positive outlook on everything. Your a great example for all of us!!
One of the things that surprised me, as an adoptive parent, was the things people seemed to think they had the right to ask. When I thought people were being intrusive, I would ask, "why would you ask such a thing" and try to laugh it off and move on.
Wow! It sounds like you are doing a great job! Continue trusting your mama-gut-feeling. Blessings...
I love those responses - and clearly your judgement was right-on with the elderly lady. :)
Welcome to my world, with my little blondie.
If I don't feel like telling something, when someone says, "Where'd she get her blonde hair?" I say, "I had blonde hair as a child."
(Not a lie.)
I've also said to people, "Oh, the UPS man was blonde" and walked away.
Heh.
Oh man, did I experience the germ issue with LB!! The people at church were a hard one because I didn't want to offend but yet--"PLEASE DON'T touch his face or hands!" And then the worst was the complete strangers, as you're saying. I was at the Commissary one day and one of the baggers pulled the blanket off the cart and literally put her entire upper body into the cart with him. I abruptly said, "PLEASE DON'T TOUCH HIM," as I was paying the cashier and trying to keep my sweet baby boy safe. I followed it with a timid, "He's sick," which wasn't really true--it just spilled out. I just didn't know how or feel it was appropriate to explain our situation. Both cashier and bagger looked at me as if I was the biggest witch they'd ever seen, but you do what you have to for your sweet ones. Glad you have sweet little Abigail to experience all of this with. ;) Mommy growing pains.
I totally get this too! With biological biracial kiddos, people just assume my kids are adopted or that I'm a foster parent. Take comfort in just knowing that there are just a whole lot of people that are a little ignorant, and you're teaching them a little more about God's kingdom with each interaction.
Once when asked how we got our dark brown son (I'm pasty white) I just answered "I love chocolate" and walked away. Now with him, our pasty white daughter and our biracial daughter I just say I love chocolate so much that I needed all 3 types.
Trust your gut Momma, the only one who has a right to Abigail's info is Abigail and her pediatrician.
You are a beautiful, beautiful soul. :)
I understand! Total strangers are the ones to make comments to us. The most common one is "she looks just like her Daddy"...by which they are meaning to say "she doesn't look anything like her mommy". I just smile and say "she is Daddy's princess" because she really is!
As the mom of an immuno-compromised preemie, I had to learn quickly to tell people "hands off!" It was especially hard because she was in the NICU for so long and we had so many people praying and bring meals that of course they wanted to see her when she finally came home. It was hard. We could have no one come to the house, and when I had to take Joe to speech therapy, I had to wait with Claire in the car instead of in the waiting room. We also went to separate Masses on Sunday and didn't bring her. Of course this was H1N1 season and she was a preemie, so obviously you don't have to take as strong precautions.
I even had a little stop sign on her car seat carrier that said "Stop! Please Wash Hands Before Touching Me"
But every now and then if someone DID touch her or get in her face or something, I didn't sweat it. I did my best. But after awhile I did get a little more lax, especially as she approached 4 months and we were preparing to move across country. It's impossible to live in a bubble forever.
As for people's comments--we get all kinds of comments and all my kids are biological. Where did Miriam get her red hair? I used to say "the mailman" as a joke until Miriam at age 2 proudly told the priest at Mass "the mailman" when he asked her. My kids all have big eyes, and one time a lady in the mall in NJ told me "Your baby's eyes are bigger than her whole FACE!" What the heck is that supposed to mean? I just gave her a look and refrained from saying "Well your butt is bigger than my van!"
Now that we have 4 kids, we get, "Are you done?" and "You DO know what causes that don't you?" and such. "Are they all yours?" "Wow, you have your hands full!"
And when we had Teresa, #2, we got "Are you going to try again for a boy?" as if it was a bummer that we had a second girl. And then when we DID have Joe, people would say, "Now you have your boy" as if Teresa was a mistake we had to suffer through to get to Joe.
Then when I was pregnant with #4, people asked if she was planned!
It never ceases to amaze me what people will ask. I suppose in this reality TV world, people just think everything is their business.
Just take it on a case by case basis--if you click with someone, a mom at a park or playgroup or in the doctor's office or something, and you feel compelled to share more, do so. If its some random person you do not feel comfortable with or who has no need to know, don't. You'll have a gut feeling. You'll know.
What clever quick retorts you have to answer these intruders of personal space and information. LOL, I would never ask such questions, but people are crazy!
That skin color! It's gorgeous! (usually followed by them looking at me, Casper, incredulously!)
Ditto :)
It is amazing what people will ask/say. I think they mean well by most of it and in the end are just trying to be thoughtful. Some are just better at that than others! I had a grocery clerk I avoided when Caleb was tiny. She would put her hands all over his face, lean up so close in his face, it didn't matter if he was awake/asleep or if I had the carrier covered or not. I was never brave enough to yell "get your hands off my baby!" like I wanted to do. I actually changed stores because of her.
Lauren you are a mother and now a family God has given you just what you need and what you know is best for this sweet little blessing ---keep up the good work! If you need to start talking to your self so you don't have to answer what is not there business get a blue tooth and people want think you are crazy then=)
You go Mama Bear! :) Abigail is so blessed to have you as her mommy!
I agree with everyone here! 'Sounds like you're doing great. I used to have folks comment that "her father must be Asian" and I would say "yep" (her bio. father hahaha). Once I felt bad though. An old church lady asked if my girls were sisters and I said "of course!" She seemed confused and clarified "bio sisters?" And I said "oh no" but I could tell that I hurt her feelings by embarrassing her that way. I assume most folks are kind though - and simply curious. But you are right, just because they want to know, DOES NOT mean you have to tell them! God is so good to let us practice when they're little so when they're older we feel more comfortable with what we say - or don't!
Even I get this kind of stuff! "Where do they get the curly/ blonde hair?" I say, "Must be the mailman?" hahaha
People make all kinds of comments ALL the time. I've gotten ALL kinds of rude comments being pregnant with my THIRD. (I know, third??)
Oh and I just hate it when people touch or kiss my babies face or hands - ewwwww!
well I should clarify - not ALL people, mostly strangers and/or old people ;)
Mostly latino people (south american mainly) ask in the rudest manner, "Is that your child?!" I ask them if they are legal. That ends the conversation right then and there. I think they understand how rude and ignorant their question is because I ask something rude and ignorant right back. I am black and my children are extremely white looking. Sometimes I say, "Don't you know what black people look like? Can I see your immigration info because you must not have been long to ask such a silly question." Or I respond in spanish that they are mine and keep walking. I am bilingual and that confuses the hell out of them. They have not met black latinos before so it totally blows their minds. My husband says that is why he loves me so much....my mettle!
Like others here have said - it sounds like you are doing an amazing job! The lady in the grocery store.. um, YIKES!!
Now, I personally also tend to be an open book and LOVE to hear other people's life stories, so I hope I never offend someone with questions (I try not to assume others are open books too, haha). I think some comments by people are just genuine excitement and interest (altho some of the really rude comments that crop up over and over never cease to amaze me!).
Good for you! I'm proud of you! Trust your instincts; you've always had good ones, now they're mama instincts!
Did she get that dark hair from her Daddy? Yep! (as I think to myself, "just not the way you think!")
I think you should say she gets it from her mom! :)hehehe
(aMp)
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