CRITICISM- to destroy

A couple months ago, I told a story about an old lady at the grocery store.  I had been wearing Abigail in the Moby wrap and this cute old man pointed out Abigail to his wife.  She was smitten, naturally :), and started coming at Abigail quickly, and for some reason I was uncomfortable.  I didn't know what it was about her- she seemed fine enough- but I turned Abigail away and apologetically explained that I had to be really careful with her immune system...blah, blah, blah.  I felt like a total jerk.  

BUT THEN, the old lady saw her husband put something in the wrong cart by mistake and she went crazy!  She hobbled over to him, grabbed his jacket and pulled him around.  She shouted at him, called him an "idiot" and spewed total hatred.  I practically RAN to the next aisle.  I shared the story before to explain I was so thankful that I had trusted my instincts and sheltered Abigail.  

But now I look back on that incident and wonder, "How many times have I been two-faced?"  

James 3:9-10 says

With it we bless the Lord and Father, and with it we curse human beings who are made in the likeness of God.  From the same mouth come blessing and cursing.  This need not be so, my brothers.

Yes with the same mouth I love and praise the Lord, then wound my loved ones.  How many times have I literally left Church only to utter a harsh word or sigh unnecessarily.  How two-faced!  I'm no better than that woman in the grocery store!  (I just know how to be more discreet!)


If you've ever been on the receiving end of criticism, you know how it can cut right through you, leaving you wounded.  Perhaps you've seen the pain on the face of a loved one as you've cut them to the quick.  Or maybe they've slumped down in defeat as you've criticized their ability.  Maybe they've lashed back out of you.  Whatever the reaction is, the wound is real.  This is Scriptural.  

"The prating of some men is like sword thrusts, but the tongue of the wise is healing." Proverbs 12:18, New American Version

 The same verse is translated as the following in The Message Bible:  

"Rash language cuts and maims, 
   but there is healing in the words of the wise."

Do we want our words to be like sword thrusts?  Do we want our loved ones to be cut and maimed by our speech?  To maim is to permanently damage.  Permanently!  Are you cringing?  I am!!  Convinced of the harm of criticism yet?  Hold onto your hats...

No foul language should come out of your mouths, but only such as is good for needed edification, that it may impart grace to those who hear.  And do not grieve the holy Spirit of God, with which you were sealed for the day of redemption.  ALL bitterness, fury, anger, shouting, and reviling must be removed from you, along with all malice.  [And] be kind to one another, compassionate, forgiving one another as God has forgiven you in Christ.  So be imitators of God, as beloved children, and live in love, as Christ loved us and handed himself over for us" (Ephesians 4:29-5:1, emphasis mine.).

"Do not grieve the holy Spirit of God."  


"Don't break His heart."  (The Message Bible)


Did you know your words can BREAK HIS HEART?  Did you know your words cause the Lord to GRIEVE?  What kind of words?

• BITTER
• FURY
• ANGER
• SHOUTING
• REVILING

Can you imagine the holy Spirit in grief over what you have said?  I don't want to grieve my friend, much less the Lord of Heaven and Earth, the King of Kings and my Savior!  Saint Josemaria Escriva, who founded Opus Dei, says this of criticism,

To criticize, to destroy, is not difficult; any unskilled laborer knows how to drive his pick into the noble and finely-hewn stone of a cathedral.  

To construct: that is what requires the skill of a master (The Way).  

Anyone can react with a condescending or angry attitude!  But Christians, literally "little Christs" are called to be Christ to others.  We should calm a situation with a mild answer, rather than stir up anger with a harsh word, as said in Proverbs 15:1.  The passage in Ephesians instead calls us to be:

• KIND
• COMPASSIONATE
• FORGIVING
• IMITATORS OF GOD
• BELOVED CHILDREN
• LIVING IN LOVE

I can't help but noticed that this passage comes almost immediately before the famous passage in Ephesians 5 which speaks of the relationship between husband and wives, reverence, love and subordination.  A properly ordered marriage must have a foundation of healing and life-giving speech!  I like to think that I embrace my role of being subordinate to my husband in love and that I look to him as the head of our marriage.  But though I trust him completely to make life-changing decisions and move us across the country, I often don't trust his ability to find a parking spot!  Why do I make comments like that?  Why is my way the "right" way?  I am vowing to hold my tongue and obey the old adage, "If you don't have anything nice to say, don't say anything at all!"

When should you speak?  One of my favorite authors, Linda Dillow, addresses this very question in her book Satisfy my Thirsty Soul.  She writes, 

Check your tongue temperature.  Ask yourself the three questions that Amy Carmichael, godly missionary to India, asked before she spoke.  These three simple, yet profound questions helped her glorify God with her words:

• IS IT KIND?

• IS IT TRUE?

• IS IT NECESSARY?

What to do:

1. Ask the Lord to help you identify the "why" behind your criticism.  Examine your motivation.  Are you acting out of control?  Defense?  Low self-worth?  Are you trying to level the playing field with your words?  Is this a habit to which you've grown accustomed because you were heavily criticized?  Ask the Lord to come into this area of your heart and heal your wounds.  You may find it helpful to keep a list of what happens right before you criticize.  This may assist you in finding a pattern.
2. Continue to commit Psalm 141:3 (below) to memory.  Write it on an index card and tape it to your mirror.  Sometimes I write it on a few index cards and place them around my home!
3. Promise to speak at least one word of encouragement to your family this week.  

"Set a guard, Lord, before my mouth, 

a gatekeeper at my lips."

Blessings!!!