Last Night I Lost my Temper

It was bedtime.  And it had gone on and on and on.

We've struggled with bedtime ever since A learned to crawl out of the crib in July, but this particular phase has been especially difficult.  It has led to me sitting on the floor in her room until she falls asleep.  Each night I inch back a little further.  But last night I dared to bring a book and a flashlight, which was a big mistake.  She was stimulated by the light and got more and more rambunctious.  I, for my part, couldn't close the book and let it go.  (It was a really good story!)  Eventually I did, but I was quite bitter about it.

As I sat by her bed laying her back down again and again, I could feel my temper rising.  I breathed deep and prayed and prayed and prayed.

And nothing happened.  No rush of grace, no supernatural gentleness, no calming of the child. Nothing!  Except my temper which continued to rise.  Until I snapped.

Thankfully J was home and I could run out of the room yelling at him to take over.

But as I lay in bed last night and woke this morning, I feel frustrated, hurt, and even doubtful that the Lord left me in such a lurch.  

I normally don't write posts in this manner.  I like to have a pretty bow to tie around the problem.  This was the problem and this is how the Lord solved it!  Isn't He great!  But today I'm just feeling tired, lonely since moving, lonely that He didn't help me, and tired again.  And I'm looking for words of wisdom.  Anyone out there this morning?

But I can't compromise here...

Through the years of infertility and adoption loss, I dreamed of being a parent.  I watched my friends, acquaintances, and strangers and took notes on what I would and would not do.  Oh I had quite the list.  Turns out I was a GREAT parent before I actually was one.

• No TV before two?  HAHAHAHA!  This worked pretty well before sister came along.  Now it gets me through nursing and putting Gianna down for a nap.  Not to mention it keeps her attention while I do her hair.  I've practically begged her to watch tv!
• Never bribe with food?  HAHAHAHAHA!!!  Potty training with M&M's just works, ok?  A box of raisins in the grocery store?  Done.  And sometimes- rarely, but sometimes a cup full of Cheerios can buy me some time in public when I'm really desperate.  
• Never co-sleep?  That lasted about two weeks with Abigail until I figured out my arms was the only place she actually would sleep.  Eventually I embraced co-sleeping and loved it with both my babies.  

But there's one place I really can't afford to compromise, and yet I have.  I used to think it was so sad when mothers found themselves counting down 'til nap time or bed time.  "How sad to wish away your day" I'd think.  "I totally don't want to do that."

But with a toddler underfoot and infant, I've reached a whole new level of tired.   It is exhausting keeping up with Abigail's endless energy, and sometimes I swear she calculates every move to make each step more difficult than it needs to be.  It can feel impossible to get anything done when they're awake, and glances at my (very scaled back) to-do list just discourage me.  Our fairly basic morning routine takes hours, and Gianna's exhausted by the time we finally are ready to go somewhere.  And while I make lots of time to play and enjoy silly moments, I too often find myself looking at the clock and thinking, "two more hours 'til lunch, then you've made it to nap time."  

I spent years begging and pleading for these precious girls, and now I'm wishing away the time. 

Ouch.  

On her 2nd birthday, upon hearing we were going out for ice cream!

My infertile, lonely self would have told me to be present.  Find a way to enjoy the journey, not just the destination.  So what if it takes you two plus hours to get ready to go to the grocery store!  There are plenty of giggles, tickles and snuggles to find in the middle of it all and those are what count, not how fast you put on a certain someone's shoes.  You won't get these days back, and one day you'll long for them.  

I'm trying not to be too hard on myself.  It's only normal to look forward to a break and rest.  And I'm pretty good at creating many, many positive moments in our day.  But it really bothers me when I find myself looking forward to the next ____ rather than being present in the current moment.  

Father Jacques Philippe writes in Interior Freedom (which is as amazing has his book on Peace) that St. Therese of Lisieux hated interruptions.  Her work required great concentration and she had very little time due to a strict schedule of the Carmelite community.  "When she finally found an hour or two to devote to the job, she applied herself in the following spirit: 'I choose to be interrupted.'  If a good Sister then came by to ask her for some little service, instead of coldly sending her away Therese made the effort to accept the interruption with good grace.  And if nobody interrupted her, she considered that a charming present from her loving God and was very grateful to him.  Whatever happened she passed the day peacefully and was never upset.  In everything she could do her will, because her will was to accept everything" (Interior Freedom, p. 56).  

My morning prayers usually include asking the Lord to order my day.  Tomorrow, I'll add "I choose to be interrupted" and pray for the grace to lovingly and willingly accept all deviations from my nicely planned day!

Any words of wisdom?  How do you handle these moments?