We've struggled with bedtime ever since A learned to crawl out of the crib in July, but this particular phase has been especially difficult. It has led to me sitting on the floor in her room until she falls asleep. Each night I inch back a little further. But last night I dared to bring a book and a flashlight, which was a big mistake. She was stimulated by the light and got more and more rambunctious. I, for my part, couldn't close the book and let it go. (It was a really good story!) Eventually I did, but I was quite bitter about it.
As I sat by her bed laying her back down again and again, I could feel my temper rising. I breathed deep and prayed and prayed and prayed.
And nothing happened. No rush of grace, no supernatural gentleness, no calming of the child. Nothing! Except my temper which continued to rise. Until I snapped.
Thankfully J was home and I could run out of the room yelling at him to take over.
But as I lay in bed last night and woke this morning, I feel frustrated, hurt, and even doubtful that the Lord left me in such a lurch.
I normally don't write posts in this manner. I like to have a pretty bow to tie around the problem. This was the problem and this is how the Lord solved it! Isn't He great! But today I'm just feeling tired, lonely since moving, lonely that He didn't help me, and tired again. And I'm looking for words of wisdom. Anyone out there this morning?
23 comments:
I can only tell you that sometimes the answer to your prayer is "No."
Or maybe God knows that you'll need to know what your limits are later on in your little ones life, so He's showing them to you early.
I think you know that you aren't alone, and please, don't beat yourself up so much for something that mom's everywhere have done. Try to be grateful instead, you have a beautiful child, and a husband who will take over when you've had enough.
You are blessed. Now, have another cup of coffee, and get on with the important stuff you have to do today, like baby snuggles and giggles. :)
I have no words of wisdom because I for one have lately lost what seems to be any and all control of my temper; however, I understand the spiritual void you feel and the loneliness ... which is why I need to see you. I sent you a text. Talk and see you soon.
Love always.
I think it is important for moms to share the tough times so we will know we aren't alone when they hit. I vividly remember times when I was not NOT proud of myself or how I handled a situation. (last week) I remember fervently praying and feeling nothing. (3 days ago) I know God got me through it anyways and is helping me be a better person and mommy but it doesn't make me happier with any of it. I have no solutions.
When R gave up her paci's I thought I was going to lose it trying to re-teach her how to go to sleep. But, I will say that it passed, and that is something! Good luck. I hear that God is there even when He lets us struggle it out on our own. (Not unlike what I had to let Ru do. You can do this kid! And I have to be ok with you not sleeping as much even though it is making me and you miserable right now.) Grrr. No easy answers.
Thanks God for our little saint makers. I hope they really make me a saint someday. :)
In other news, I was talking about you last night. I just found out that a friend of mine will be unable to conceive children. If it is all right with you I am going to pass your blog on to her.
Love and prayers!
Elizabeth
Praying for you. I will comment more later today as Isaiah is literally crawling all over me at the moment!
I have followed your blog occasionally through other IF blogs. I know everyone has different styles, but I can completely relate to the sleep troubles, sitting on the floor by the bed and inching back, hoping she doesn't wake. I was there. Less than 1 month ago. And, I lost my temper. More than once. Our pediatrician recommended a book, "Solve your child's sleep problems" by Dr. Richard Ferber. It has completely changed our bedtime routine, for the better. We had 3 tough nights on the program (and 1 was REALLY tough) but know our daughter (22-months) goes to bed after a story and her daddy laying her down. No crying, no fighting, no temper loss. Just an option if you are interested.
Lauren,
I'm glad you posted this! Real life doesn't always come in a package with a bow tied around it.
I can totally relate to what you experienced last night. For me this happens when I have an idea of how I want things to go and my wants are not being met. Later (sometimes days later) I can usually peacefully accept that sometimes God needs to remind me that it isn't all about me -- that I am called to imitate Jesus in self-giving, selfless love. Sometimes (often) that is a tough one for me.
As for not feeling a rush of His Grace... I just finished reading "Jesus Shock" by Peter Kreeft. I borrowed to to my brother so I can't quote it directly, but in it Kreeft said something along these lines... There are times when, because God loves us so much, He does not allow us to feel His presence because he wants to help us to rely on faith alone and our faith should not rely on our feelings.
I'm praying that you'll find inner peace this day. You are a good mom -- remember that.
Love & Blessings!!
C isn't crawling out of the crib yet (just pulling himself up) but we are working on getting him on a sleep schedule now (after all our crazy traveling) and I've had to get hubby to come in a few times because I was in the same boat as you! So, you are not alone! Even if God didn't immediately help as you wanted, he's still working on your heart! :)
I think this is one reason why God made husbands, to have a sub that can help in the clutch moment!! Mike has helped so much in the same way. And I totally understand the lonely, just moved isolation. Its hard to get out of but it can put a damper on everything. Did you guys get the ranch/land afterall? I don't remember an update on that.
I don't know if this helps, but I'm better at getting Jacob to bed than is my husband. J's more cooperative, less argumentative, more prone to lay in bed and talk to me for a few minutes before he gets his book and reads himself to sleep with me. Maybe you should change the routine and let J try putting A to bed. Perhaps that was the answer to your prayer, you just didn't recognize it. Everyone gets frustrated with their children and loses their temper; don't beat yourself up about it.
Did you see the pictures I posted of J from the first day of 4th grade to the first day of 5th grade? Let me know and I'll find it for you if you haven't. It was a startling change for me to see.
You definitely are not Mediterranean! LOL!
Okay, is it totally awful that this makes me chuckle? In the 21 years I've been parenting, I have lost my temper so many times I can't count! The children are all just fine.
It's okay for your child to see you lose it now and then. It might actually make them less startled one day when they see it in others out in the world (and they will!), but at least this is from someone they know loves them, so eases them into reality, ha ha.
I know my words are not theological, but it's my experience, and my kids are all fine, even the adults who watched me lose it all their lives, ha ha. Not saying it's good to lose it, but there are worse things… :)
God didn't leave you, he just made you see your own humanity… and that we all fall from time to time.
Hugs, sister!
I suffer from this problem. I've posted about it. Yeah for Honesty on beautiful Mommy blogs like yours! Thank you!
A little pick me up--there is an incredible about of pressure you have as an adoptive Mom and as an infertile Mom to never lose your temper. It's okay to be imperfect. It's okay to sin. If this is a rare thing for you--don't worry about it. Say your act of Contrition, apologize to Abigail and move on.
Being a Mom means making mistakes and even making "sinful acts."
Two, we bless our kids in our weaknesses as well as our strength. If this is an ongoing problem--demonstrate how to be a Holy Woman with a sinful habit. The just man keeps getting up after sin. Don't be stunned that you are acting "sinfully"--that's an act of secret pride. Just keep going on in Faith. Be gentle with yourself. Be accountable--but be gently accountable.
Finally, if you find yourself being too self- critical, instead of encouraging--take this habit I've started. I imagine myself in 30 years talking to my oldest daughter. I imagine Hannah having the same problem I'm having right now. Then I imagine what I'd say in response. I'm always WAY kinder if I picture my daughter having a problem instead of myself.
You can do it!
(Also, remember --you just had a Move. Your whole world is different---and hers. I'm not excusing your behavior--but maybe there's a deeper need for you to find rest and relaxation during the day and at night. Instead of being selfish, you're intense reaction might be a sign that you really NEED time to read a book by yourself. Pay attention to those feelings you are having rather than simply say "I'm a horrid Mom for choosing my novel over my kid's wish to stay awake at bedtime." Our reactions we need to control--but our feelings we should usually respect)
--A bigger problem is sinful pride.
sorry that last sentence "'a bigger problem is sinful pride" should have been deleted before I published this.
Oh sweetie! Don't beat yourself up. We all lose our temper from time to time. We are human and we have limits. It's not pretty, but it happens. Thank you for your honesty. I have had my fair share of flip outs in the past few weeks (ok, years). Motherhood is difficult and exhausting. The fact that you have been putting her to bed the way you have shows you patience and love for your daughter.
Okay wow, you have been on my heart lately! I had actually checked on your blog just over a week ago to see if you had updated and was planning to email you soon because I knew you had moved and such. Lo and behold, I checked again today and it's good to see you out here in blog-land!
Anyway, I was having a huge problem with my temper and getting Cora to sleep only a few weeksa go. All I can say is thank God for patient husbands. And maybe that is what God is doing here--showing you that sometimes you do need to ask for help and that is why he gave us our helpmates.
I had to smile when I read "is there anyone out there?" and saw that you already had 14 comments :) We're out here and we're all dealing with the same thing! I can't count how many times I had to put my sweet, wonderful, obedient terror in timeout yesterday. Or the time I actually said "I'm losing my mind! You have to stop!" Like others said, this doesn't mean that it's ok-it just means we're human. Today has been a much better day for me than yesterday. I'm hoping yours will be the same!
and-moving is HARD! I'm sure you know that already but this is the first time you've done it as a mom. It is so, so, so incredibly hard. Be very gentle on yourself and set your expectations low low low. You have the rest of your lives to settle in-take it one day at a time.
Thank you all for your encouragement and advice. Let me reassure you that I know I'm human and sin (frequently), but was surprised at the magnitude of my fall. And so upset that the grace didnt' prevent it.
Stacy- does the book deal with toddlers getting out of bed? We can't keep her in!
Girl, I feel your pain with the losing it and not showing or feeling any grace! Everyone above gave such beautiful advice that I don't feel I have wisdom that would even supplement them.
Except that I've been there on all of the mentioned difficulties: loss of patience, bedtime drama, and the BIG move. Some days I believe we are in an immoral, Godless wasteland out here and I feel myself falling into the desperation of all those around me. You will find friends in multitude just like you have everywhere you've lived so far. If I can find them here you will find them there. You are in the south again after all! ;)
Take comfort knowing you aren't the first to experience any of these feelings and you won't be the last. You will one day be offering words of wisdom for many who will follow in your mothering footsteps...once you get out of this phase that is. Everything is a phase when they're young, the good and the bad! Just keep swimming! (and praying!)
Love you my dear!!!
I have no advice, no solution.
Just want to say that I hear you. You wanted to feel God last night. You wanted to feel His grace...for Him to calm your child, and help you stay calm too. I am so sorry He was not there to help you through last night. I am so sorry that Satan heard your prayers and decided to "up his game" last night and give you even more of a struggle. It is hard.
I pray that Satan stays away and that the presence of Jesus is felt by all in your family...especially at bedtime.
You are an amazing mom. Don't stress about losing your temper. As Leila said...her kids are all fine! Abigail will be fine too.
I am sorry you are struggling with Abigail not staying in bed. HOW frustrating. Bella is in a big girl bed now and the fact that she can (and does) get out of bed many many times a night, is such a struggle for me. It really limits our freedom at night (not really going to be intimate if we know she going to walk in at any second). It is stressful. We are still in the thick of it, so I have NO advice on how to get a 2 year old to stay in their bed.
Hi Lauren, I don't think I've commented here before. I was really moved by your post and by Leila's comment. I'm like her: if I wrote a blog post for every time I lost my temper, I'd have a really long, really repetitive blog! But what she said confirmed a theory of mine: it's okay for kids to see you angry now and then. It's better for them to see you fall, ask forgiveness, and get back up, than for them to think perfection is expected. My eldest is only 4, though, so what do I know? That's why I was really happy to see Leila's comment.
Also, it's not _such_ a bad thing to learn that if you really p*ss Mommy off, she's gonna get mad--so don't p*ss off Mom! ;-)
My mom has apologized profusely to me for losing her temper and yelling at me when I was very young. But really, I don't remember it and it hasn't harmed me that I can tell. I really wish she had lost her temper a bit more and been easier on herself . . . and all of us. Anyway, hope this helps! Good luck!
I am walking this with you...
Thank you for posting this! you're not alone! I too lost temper so many times. Sometimes to a point that I felt so so bad that when the particular child asleep at night, I kissed the floor beside his/her bed.
No advice, and I've been there, and I just wanted to say that as Ive gotten farther along in my parenting journey, things just don't bother me as much. Several months ago M and JP were flat out disobeying me and I sent them upstairs and just cried downstairs until Ken got home. They did the same thing today and I just calmly gave them consequences for their actions. Did not bother me one bit. They say patience is like a muscle - it only gets stronger ;)
Oh we have been there! Still there! I think the Lord is using this to teach me patience...and grace. So while I learn, I had to keep our sweet girl safe (we've been blessed with a large house that's not so safe for a 2 year old to roam around at all hours of the night scaring the day lights out of her momma and daddy when she comes in their room at 1 am and stares at them...true story...plus, what if the house caught on fire! but i digress...) we've had to turn the door knob around and lock her in. her room is completely safe, with the dresser fixed to the wall, all outlets covered, etc. She has books and a few stuffed animals. it was tough hearing her crying when we left, but we had to have her safe! It's tough! And the first few nights, I tried sitting in the chair with her--fail! I also came out of the room yelling to the hubby - "YOUR TURN!" You're not alone :)
Ashley (Emily's friend, that now lives in Charleston! Y'all need to come visit!)
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