Still Bearing Scars

We had another adoption possibility come and go.  I guess it's not officially gone yet- but most likely.

Weeks ago I heard through Megan on facebook that there was a little boy due in July (actually August 4) here in Texas.  His expectant family was looking for a Catholic family for him.  They were having a difficult time finding a family because of his special need.  He has been diagnosed with Down syndrome and has a couple health complications.

I couldn't get him out of my mind, and after the last adoption didn't work out, I kept thinking about him.  Finally I decided to call- just to check on his status.  Surely they'd found a Catholic family by now.  Wrong.  The social worker was about to meet with the expectant mom for the first time and had ZERO Catholic families from Texas to tell her about.  ZERO!  She had one Protestant family in Texas and a few Catholic families from out of state, but that's it.  Needless to say she was very happy to hear from us.  This put J and me into high gear praying and researching.  We searched our hearts and examined our reasons why we backed out of the last adoption.  The last baby was due beginning of May, this one the beginning of August.  Those extra 3 months seemed crucial in helping us overcome some major obstacles.  So we agreed to let the social worker tell the expectant mom about our family, and she liked us most of all.  We arranged to have our first phone call introduction at the beginning of June.

We have used this time to really discern our family's current needs and challenges. We became more and more convinced that this is just a terrible time to grow our family- but how could we turn our back on this little guy?  I shuddered at the thought of the social worker telling this mother, "I'm sorry.  There are no Catholic families in Texas willing to adopt your baby."  What would that do to her faith?  To my faith?

So this weekend I sent out an email.  It was difficult to write because we were, in essence, giving up on this little guy for our family.  But I couldn't believe that there were no Catholics here in our great state who wanted this  special boy.  I emailed a Catholic group I belong to and have been so touched by the responses.  I think my email has gone viral all over the state!  I'm hoping she will have several families from which to choose and be overwhelmed with an appreciation for life.

I am so encouraged at the responses and have hope for this baby, his expectant mother, and our state!
But I am so disappointed that this is not our baby.


The last two days I have really examined my heart.  How did we get in this situation again?  So soon?!   What is the matter with me?  I've discerned a few things.

1. I love big families!  I so want to be part of one!  When I see big families in real life or read about them in blogs, it inspires me.  My Dad's family has six kids and get togethers were so fun.  One of my favorite childhood memories is hearing my Dad and uncles banter at the dining room table at my Grandparents' house.  I've always wanted that for my family.  Each adoption possibility has given us that hope of growing our family.  
2. We are still bearing the scars of infertility and adoption loss.  Each adoption possibility could be our last.  What if this is our last chance?  Are we blowing it?  There is a sense of desperation about it- don't blow this.  After so many years of aching, it is a shocking and unsettling feeling to realize you shouldn't grow your family right now.  It takes a while to sink in.  
3. The small gap in age between the kids is scary- but I want it like a badge of pride.  (Pride being the key word.)  To say I have "3 under 3?"   That is instant rock-star status, yes?  Look out, Duggers- I'm on my way!  I love the pro-life, pro-children message that sends to the world.  But after reflection (and confessing my pride), I realize how ridiculous this is.  If I gave birth to children, I'd likely practice extended nursing, which would probably space our children out more.  It's obviously not a contest or a race, so get over it, Lauren!  
4. I have a heart for these children and also for their birth mothers.  These last two situations have been such that we were the only family who met the birth mom's requests.  How can that be when I know there are so many waiting families!  I want to reward their bravery and openness to life by showing them how thankful we are and bending over backwards to help them!  How could I possibly say no to a woman and baby in need?  

So once again, as I have so many many times, we're placing our family in God's hands, trusting Him to grow it when the time is right.  It is a leap of faith to not pursue adoption at this time, but we will wait on the Lord, trusting Him always.

What a day!

WHAT A DAY!

They ganged up on me today.  It went about like this:

10:32  Mommy foolishly removes Gianna's diaper and lets her "air out" for a few minutes.  Continues playing.

10:33  Pretend not to see Gianna as she "hides" behind the curtain.  "Where's Gianna?!  Hmmm...is she under the bed?  Noooo..."

10:34  Give Gianna a huge hug and she comes out of hiding and runs to me. Pat her cute behind.  Notice my hand is suddenly covered in poop.  Look down and see poop all over the floor.

10:35  Clean up said poop.

10:40  Where are the girls?  Too quiet.  

10:41 They found a cassette tape recording of my high school piano graduation program.  Destroyed.

10:43 Abigail calls me to wipe her booty.  Discover Gianna's unraveled an entire roll of toilet paper.  

10:45 Bread timer goes off.  Go to kitchen to get it.

10:47  Where are the girls?  Too quiet.

10:48  Find them in my shower, water off, with Dr. Bronner's soap all over their hair.  

10:49 Throw Abigail in a cold shower thinking she'll hate the cold and water in her eyes.  She loves it.

10:50 Am stripping down Gianna when soap gets in her eyes.  She's hysterical.  Finally hold her under faucet in bath tub.  Her eyes are still red.  And it was just Dr. Bronner's baby mild!!!

TWENTY MINUTES, PEOPLE!!!!

11:30  Finally get Abigail out of shower.  Oy.  

And the entire time I'm receiving sensitive texts from the birth mom of the previous adoption.  Oy.  

Never mind these angelic faces.

Meanwhile the house has become a complete disaster.  Dishes everywhere.  Every square inch of space- both sides of the sink, the stove, the counters.  Breakfast, lunch and bread dishes.  I can handle toys everywhere.  I can handle laundry piled up.  But dirty dishes make me feel like my life is out of control.  So I just closed my eyes.  

We made it through lunch and I got the girls down for a nap.  Then instead of getting sucked into the internet for detox, I focused and got it cleaned up.  Here's the before and after shots. I lose points for cleaning up their toys- but what took me 2 minutes would take them 20 minutes and the entire time would be filled with nagging encouraging words of frustration positive reinforcement.  I was on a roll.  I just did it myself.    

When all was said and done I had a clean house, freshly baked bread, a chance to take a nap and catch up on facebook, I hadn't lost my temper and had set aside a lot of fun playtime with the kids.  Not such a bad day!  (But thank God for nap resets!)

Mother's Day Brunch

This was an emotional Mother's Day for me- fresh from disappointment of the adoption not working out and then finding out I'm not pregnant (again).  Then seven of our chickens disappeared without a trace Friday evening, leaving the eighth injured.  The birth mom texted me to tell me the baby was born Friday, and is expected to go home with the adoptive family Monday (today).

So it was with a heavy heart that I went into Mother's Day.  I hosted a brunch for my family and was expecting seventeen.  I was very excited about the menu, which came straight from my magazine Cuisine at Home.  Here was our menu:

• Caramelized onion and blue cheese quiche
• Arugula salad with toasted walnuts, shallots, edible flowers, and a lemon honey vinaigrette
• Beet-cured salmon and cream cheese canapes
• Radish & Avocado Toasts with basil butter
• Blueberry Shrub Punch 
• Berry icebox pie and fudge pie for desert

YUM!!!!  I was so excited about making it- especially the salmon.  I've never cured anything before, but it was very simple and SO delicious.  I shredded the beets, combined them with kosher salt, sugar, vodka and orange and lemon zest.  Then I packed that on top of the salmon, covered it with plastic wrap, and weighed it down with a few bricks.  After 24 hours, I drained the liquid, flipped it over and weighed it down again for another 24 hours.  Then I rinsed it, sliced it then, and wrapped each slice around a basil leaf.  I placed that on top of a cucumber with cream cheese mixed with capers, lemon zest and shallots.  It was amazing!

My quiche didn't turn out quite so perfect.  My first two were so hideous that I sent J to get pre-made pie crusts.  Even those turned out terribly ugly.  But they tasted delicious, so I served the 3 best anyway!  (It's just family, right?!)

Pretty appetizers...

UGLY quiche!  But yummy!

It turned out to be my best mother's day.  It was the first mother's day as a Mom that I got to spend with MY Mom and Grandma!  The girls were running and laughing and so precious.  The day was relaxed.  It was just a wonderful day!

FOUR GENERATIONS!!!

My Mom "Grammie" with girls

This is reality.  Gianna nursing with her hand in my mouth.  Abigail asleep on my lap.
Life is good.

I also received an email from Abigail's birth mom and a text from Gianna's birth mom, both wishing me a happy mother's day and expressing love.  Can you imagine?  These women MADE me a mother, and take the time on a difficult day to wish me a happy one.  They are my heroes.

I'm eternally grateful for my two daughters, but never stop thinking of and praying for those who suffer on Mother's Day.  Praying for the longings of our hearts!!!

Infertility Still Hurts

I always suspected we'd be those people.  You know.  The one in a million who adopts- and then gets pregnant.  I know it's rare, but we certainly have those ladies in our circle!  (And praise God for that!)

Our two big barriers to fertility are endometriosis and PolyCystic Ovary Syndrome.  When I began nursing Gianna, I took medicine for a year to stimulate my milk supply.  I didn't have a cycle for fourteen months, and the few cycles I've had, the pain has been much more tolerable and bearable.  I suspect nursing her cleared up my endo.

After the adoption fell through last week, I found myself really hoping and praying for a pregnancy.  Kind of like a consolation prize?  I haven't anticipated my period this way in a long time.  Definitely not since we found out about Gianna, and probably not since Abigail was born.  I am so content with my girls and am thankful for my infertility because it brought them to me.  But I was still really hoping that this month would be fruitful.

But I started today.

I didn't cry.  It didn't ruin my day.  It was just such a bummer!  I felt like MAN!  If it isn't happening now- it likely never will!  I'm okay with it never happening, it just surprises me.  Even after all this time, it still surprises me.

I've taken the girls to a chiropractor a couple times this last month.  (More on that later.)  I'm really impressed with the doctor and her abilities.  But I'm intrigued with the idea of accupuncture, and more specifically the high success rates she has with achieving pregnancy.  I'm totally new to all things outside of western medicine, so this is very foreign to me.  Have any of you done it?  What did you think?

And why do I feel funny- not quite guilty, but uneasy- about pursuing a pregnancy when we are so totally satisfied with adoption?  There's clearly nothing wrong with it, yet I wonder if we should even bother.  Perhaps adoption is the ministry we're really called to and I should just let pregnancy go?

Two Eventful Target Trips

A few weeks ago we received one of "those" emails.  The kind that makes your heart skip a beat and not care if it sounds like the girls are creating bedlam while you check your email "real quick".  It was from a girl who follows my blog asking if we were interested in adopting again.  We had this question come up a couple of months ago and decided no, but somehow even though this adoption was more expensive and the baby was coming sooner, we both discerned our hearts were saying YES!

Everything seemed to be moving in a positive direction.  God provided a couple of financial miracles that made the adoption possible.  We were in a frenzie of paperwork to get our Florida home study up to date.  I started cooking extra meals to freeze.  I even bought cute BOY outfits and swaddle blankets at Target.  Such a significant moment for me.  I wanted to tell everyone I passed, "There are boy clothes in my cart!  We're adopting a baby!!!"  I think I was hoping the cashier would see the boy items and look at me knowingly.   Alas, nobody knew, so I squeezed Abigail's hand as we left the store saying, "Mommy just did something very exciting!"

In the end, we had two significant things change for us, and we had to back out of the match.  We felt terrible doing so- both for the expectant mother's sake and our own, but we were flooded with peace.  Adoption is a tricky thing, and it has to be right for all parties.

I went back to Target on Friday and returned the boy outfits.  Abigail wanted to carry the bag inside and I wouldn't let her.  I needed to do it.  I had tears in my eyes as I fingered the outfits one last time. This time the cashier did look up questioningly as she was trying to take the returns, and I was holding on to them!  So I whisked the girls around the corner, knelt down and gave Abigail a giant bear hug.  I was flooded with heart-wrenching memories of Target- finding out we weren't adopting Isaiah while at shopping and having to return Caeden Michael's boy clothes.

But this time I had two precious girls to hold.  This time I had a little girl shopping for her first nail polish (bribery to stop biting her nails!).  This time I had my baby in the cart making adorable sounds with her lips and shooting me winning smiles every time we made eye contact.  This time I left the store, not in hysterical tears, but hand in hand with the two greatest gifts I've ever received.  Adoption loss is always difficult, but it makes all the difference when there's somebody to call you "Mommy".

Please join me in praying for this brave and loving expectant mother.  We are praying that she will find the right family for the baby, feel peace and wisdom in her decision and plan, and that all details will be worked out by the Lord.

A quarter of a decade!

Last month Abigail turned two and a half!  A quarter of a decade!  I cannot believe how quickly time is flying by.  She's growing up so much and it's really exciting to see her speech develop more and her play become more sophisticated.  I love knowing what she's thinking about and hearing her sing songs and make up games.

Abigail's favorite things:

• Books: Knuffle Bunny, Too and Going on a Bear Hunt  She's memorized both from beginning to end and quotes them incessantly!  She plays bear hunt with her teddy bear all day long and loves to watch the videos on youtube while I put Gianna down for a nap.  
• Dressing up!  She loves to wear princess dresses, princess shoes and any and all accessories!
• Mommy's shoes
• Checking the mail
• All tickling and wresting
• Playing chase
• The park!  Climbing, sliding, swinging, running!!!  
• Checking on our chicks (but not playing with them)
• Fruit and veggies
• "Helping me" in the kitchen.  Eating all the scraps as I chop veggies.  (esp. onions!)

Some funny quotes:

• "There's a baby in my tummy.  It's a boy" she says as she sticks out her tummy.   (WHAT?!)
• "You hold me?  I'm so precious to you."  
• "I want a peanut butter, avocado and tuna sandwich."  (all mixed together, that is!)
• When asked about the difference between boys and girls she responded, "Boys...don't do anything."

She hasn't slept well since we moved here.  She climbs in our bed every night!  For the first couple of months I diligently brought her back to her room, but then I got tired and just scooted over.  Now I'm enjoying our night time cuddles.  

She nurses her babies while I nurse Gianna.  She tells them, "Don't bite!"  and "This side's all done."  She looks to see if I'm using a bottle (SNS) to nurse Gianna and, if so, will run to get her baby's bottle and sticks it in her shirt.  She looks at me with such love and says, "We're both nursing our babies!"  

She's my big helper.  She brings in the groceries, pulls the clean clothes out of the drier, puts her dirty clothes away, unloads the dishwasher (with help), sets the table and lots of other odds and ends.  She does not like putting her toys away.  She's just learned how to completely undress and dress herself.  I love that I can tell her to take off her pjs and get dressed!  Wow!  Such a big girl!!!

Abigail has an infectious laugh that brings us all such joy.  She has a beautiful heart and sweet spirit.  She's full of spunk and very lively; she keeps me on my toes at all times.  She has a quick temper, and we're frequently quoting Ephesians 4:26, "In your anger do not sin!"

Loves to help in the kitchen! 

Loves playing with her kitchen and sister!

Got into my nail polish!

Sweet sisters!  (notice her hair!)

Happy Easter!

Loves her kitchen, animals and sister! 

OUR PRECIOUS GIRL!!!

Abigail, you're more precious than words can ever describe.  We love you with all our hearts and are so incredibly grateful for you!!!  

Easter Chicks!

As you know we moved recently and have been busy getting settled.  We didn't get the farm we were hoping for but have almost half an acre, which isn't bad for the middle of the city!   We're trying our hands at urban home-steading!  We got our raised beds in over the last couple of weeks and our garden is planted.  Today we got baby chicks!!!  I've been wanting my own chickens for years now!  I jokingly told friends that chickens were the real reason we were separating from the military- I wanted stability for chickens!  We were so excited for J to get home with the chicks.  Abigail ran to the car yelling, "Chicks!  Chicks!"

"Chicks!  Chicks!"

Wonder and awe!

Love!

Warm and toasty!

 We recruited our neighbors to help us name them, but couldn't tell them apart!  So we decided to paint their nails!  HAHAHAHAHA!!!!  Clearly these chickens have a life of laying eggs ahead of them; they're not for meat!

Abigail loved painting their nails!   

Poor little chick was terrified!  Look at her eyes squeezed shut!

This one's "Wendy".  We also have a "Sparkles" but those are the only names so far!

My girls are just terrified of animals and I'm hoping and praying they'll warm up to holding these baby chicks.   I want them to be in charge of them soon!  :)