Caeden Michael

I think about him so often.  He's just a bit older than Abigail, so he just turned one, too!  For a long time I've been wanting to reach out to his Mom to check on her and let her know how our family has grown.  I wanted to- but just didn't have the "oomph" to do it.  Around his first birthday, prompted by the Holy Spirit, I sent her the following email.  (Note- she changed the spelling of Caeden at birth.)

I'm sure this is totally out of the blue for you- but I think about you and Caiden all the time and wonder how you're doing.  I can't believe he is a YEAR!!!!  Can you believe it?  

Let me briefly update you on our situation.  Three days after I last talked to you, we found out about another match.  We were scared to try again so soon, but the Lord prompted our hearts to step out in faith.  Abigail Chiara was born September 12 and has been the absolute light of our lives.  She is pure joy and our hearts are bursting with love for her.  I've attached some pictures of our family.  She'll be a year next month and I can't believe how quickly it's flown by.  

I think of you and Caiden so often.  We light a candle for you at Church each week and pray for you daily.  I'd love to hear an update on how you and Caiden are doing.  I'm so grateful for the short time I had with you and that we got to be a part of his birth in some small way.  

I wasn't sure if she would respond, but she did.  Immediately and with enthusiasm!  She was so happy to hear that we hadn't been mad at her all this time and was so excited about Abigail.  She signed her email "With love and happiness."  Isn't that the sweetest?!

The email exchange was just what was needed to finish healing my heart.  I truly am glad I got to know her- and Caedin- and be a part of their lives.  And I'm filled with relief that both of us know there are no hard feelings- only love and prayers.  A year can bring a lot of healing...  Thanks be to the Divine Physician!!

Were we DESPERATE?

Today, We Are Grafted In published a past blog post of mine about open adoption.  From it, I received the following comment:

I saw your post on WAGI and just want to say why on earth would you do an open adoption? Are you that desperate? You will never really be that child's parent in an open adoption. Also, what happens when mom either decides she wants to have more time and involvement then you agreeded too or decided when the kid if 6 to just disappear? 

I think if you stay tuned for part two, you will find your questions are answered.  However, I wrote those two posts when we were still contemplating open adoption, and now we are living it.  While I believe part two will answer your questions, I will take this opportunity to share what we have learned from experiencing an open adoption.


"ARE YOU THAT DESPERATE?"
Well, in the beginning, yes we were!  It was made abundantly clear to us that birth moms hold all the cards when deciding upon a family and that the vast majority of them chose an open adoption.  If we were to close ourselves off to that possibility, we would severely limit potential matches.


When I wrote that post, we were matched with a young woman, M, and her boyfriend.  The social worker was clear that they wanted an open adoption, complete with visits.  We were skeptical and scared, but decided to meet her.  We hit it off and really liked M.  We exchanged information and decided to keep in touch.  As I spent time with M, I was able to read her intentions and judge for myself how committed to adoption she was.  This brought me great peace.  Later, M was confined to bed rest and needed assistance.  I brought her some books and meals and took her to her doctors' appointments.  This was an amazing blessing for me as I got to know M and see the baby on the ultrasound multiple times.


Seeing that sweet baby on the ultrasound brought home the phrase I discussed in part 1: "Adoption begins in pain."  There were such mixed emotions as we watched that little guy on the screen.  There was joy at seeing a precious new life that was potentially my baby, but there was also great pain as I watched M's face.  Her eyes were glued to the screen- eager to soak up any time with him and capture every image.  Her enormous sacrifice and the pain it brought her cut deep into my soul.


While watching that ultrasound, I learned that the relationship between a baby and their birth mother is God-ordained and therefore sacred.  The reality is that the baby exists only because of that birth mother, in a similar way that Jesus's humanity exists only because of Mary's fiat.  She deserves the right to know if she is cared for, loved, and happy and to see that for herself through pictures or visits.  And the child ideally deserves to know where they came from and why adoption was chosen for them.  Through open adoption, both of these are achieved.


When the baby was born, we went to the hospital multiple times.  We loved on M, brought her gifts, flowers and food.  We respected the precious little time she had with the baby.  She respected our anxiousness to meet the sweet baby and allowed us to hold him and even feed him. My heart is filled with joy at the memory.  


The day we were supposed to bring him home, M called.  Her parents had begun to call her and greatly pressure her to keep the baby.  She didn't know what to do and hated what this would mean for us.  (Go here for more details on that phone call.)  Ultimately she decided to parent.  We were devastated, but looking back I am so grateful that we had those couple months to love on her and bless her.  I don't believe it was God's will to cause us both such pain, but I trust that He has and will use the relationship we had to bring her closer to Him.  


THREE DAYS LATER (this still boggles my mind) we received word of another match.  But this time the birth mom wanted a closed adoption.  We agreed, but when the baby was born, she wanted to meet us.  We really hit it off and bonded over the amazing beauty and preciousness of that baby girl.  That baby girl is now our daughter and will be forever!


While in the hospital, we exchanged information with Abigail's birth mom and have kept in touch.  We send her pictures via snail mail and email.  She has texted us on occasion, such as Thanksgiving to tell us how thankful she is for us.  (I almost fell over.  If only we could express to her how thankful we are for HER!)  In February we got together for the first time.  I was nervous, but had an overwhelming sense of peace about the opportunity.  


IT. WAS. AMAZING.  It was an enormous blessing for both of us.  Abigail's birth mom was able to see for herself how happy and healthy Abigail is.  She laughed as Abigail kept her little tongue hanging out, and showed us a picture of her as a little girl with her tongue hanging out!  We learned more about Abigail as we spent time with her birth mom.  


The biggest surprise was how much peace the experience brought me.  I had hoped that our get together would bring her birth mom healing.  I was not prepared for how much healing it would bring me.  She told us multiple times how happy she was for us- how satisfied she was with how we loved and cared for Abigail.  She single-handedly wiped out any fear that remained in my heart as she gave her blessing on our family.  

So, were we desperate enough to consider open adoption?  Yes.  But praise God for working through our desperation, because I am no longer desperate, I am thankful for our open adoption.  

"YOU WILL NEVER REALLY BE THAT CHILD'S PARENT IN AN OPEN ADOPTION."

This was a real fear that was present regardless of the type of adoption.  Would I really feel like her Mom?  Would I know she was mine despite the fact that she suddenly appeared in our home and family?   The answer?

YES.  100%, without a doubt, absolutely YES.  I am Abigail's Mom.  She is my daughter.  I didn't need the piece of paper to tell me (though it's nice to have!), I became Abigail's Mom the first time I held her.  How do I know?

• Knowing every facial expression, move and noise she makes.
• The sleepless nights as we battled colic.
• Being the only one who could soothe her those nights.
• Seeing her face light up when she sees me.
• The way she looks to me for approval and smiles.
• Knowing that everything I have is hers.  I would give anything and everything for her.
• Holding her all night long and breathing her in.
• Making decisions for her.
• Knowing that my heart has grown a million times over and could absolutely explode at any moment!  LOOK OUT!  
• AND SO MUCH MORE.

Abigail's relationship with her birth mom does not take away from our relationship as parents.  It enhances it.  She has the chance to see how loved she is, both by her birth mom who made an extraordinarily sacrificial and loving choice, and by us who do not cling to her with jealousy and fear, but give her the freedom to know her roots.

But there's more.  

If I'm not Abigail's Mom, then God isn't really my Father.  We have been adopted by the Father through our Lord Jesus Christ.  We are TRULY His sons and daughters.  Everything He has is ours.  He holds nothing back, but makes us co-heirs with Christ.   We are partakers of His divine nature and are blessed with every spiritual blessing in the heavens.  

So yes, we are truly her parents.  

"What happens when mom either decides she wants to have more time and involvement then you agreeded too?"

As I mentioned earlier, in the matching process, the birth parents hold all the cards.  They have the ability to end the relationship if their expectations are not met.  As adoptive parents, this is a frightening and vulnerable place to be.  But what's more frightening is the place the birth parents know they'll soon be in for the rest of the child's life.  It is a short period (relatively speaking) that we, as adoptive parents, are in that vulnerable position.  But as soon as their parental rights are terminated, WE hold all the cards.  Birth parents do not know if we will be true to our word and stay in contact or truly take good care of their precious gift.  We, as adopted parents, have the right to limit, or even terminate, contact if the relationship becomes unhealthy or dangerous.  And because all parties know this, the relationship is respected and honored.  

Are there some horror stories out there about open adoption?  Without a doubt.  The toxic two percent are usually publicized and sensationalized so as to drive fear into everyone's hearts.  And yet the potential for a beautiful and healing relationship is worth the risk.  

Thank you, Jesus, for leading us to an open adoption.  We love our birth moms!!!

An Angel Strengthened Him

When M called with the devestating announcement that she was considering parenting, I answered the phone with joy.  She had texted me earlier saying she'd be released that evening, and we were making plans to bring home our son that day.  When I heard the trembling in her voice, I sank to the kitchen floor.  I listened to her explain her crisis.  And then I heard myself say,

"M-, you don't have to do this.  I don't want you to be unsure about your decision." 

I had told her this a few times over the course of the last few weeks, but that day- in that context- was the hardest thing I've ever done. 

I didn't break down.  I didn't cry.  I didn't beg.  I didn't- couldn't- even cry out for help from my husband.   I remained calm, though the world was spinning around me.

When she told me that her mom was scared we were saying it was an open adoption, but would disappear as soon as it was final, I was able to acknowledge her fear.  "Legally that could happen, M.  But you KNOW us.  You know we would never do that." 

We talked for 25 minutes.  And in the end, I convinced her to call her social worker as an objective third party who was looking out for M's best interest.

Then I hung up the phone and stared at the cabinet.  In the middle of the phone call, J had realized what was going on and sat down beside me, strengthening me. 



Tuesday after it happened, we prayed the Sorrowful Mysteries of the Rosary. As I reflected on Luke's account of the Agony in the Garden I read, "And to strengthen Him, an angel from Heaven appeared to Him."  Luke 22:43

I cried.  I praised God for sending an angel to strengthen me.  There is not a single doubt in my mind that God was with me that morning.  There was a strength that I do not have- a courage that only could have been given to me at that moment. 

The moment I understood what was happening, I heard the Lord saying to me again and again,

"I will not, I will not, I will not in ANY degree leave you helpless, nor forsake you, nor relax my hold on you, most assuredly not."  Hebrews 13:5- Amplified version

He did not.  He has not.  And I know that He will not. 

He is faithful.

I Can't Stop Crying

My best friend and her kids left today.  She had company coming in town today- though she offered to have them reschedule their plane tickets- and I thought I'd be okay.

But my house is so. dang. empty.

J and I took about 5 seconds inside the empty, silent house before deciding to get out of dodge.  He suggested a movie so we went to see the new Steve Carell flick.  It turned out to be perfect- very very funny- but so not PG-13. 

We came home and took a nap. We talked and I cried before and after the nap.  He's been so strong for me, and I was so glad to be able to really see what was in his heart.  There's just this deep, deep sadness.  It's not a sharp pain, but this dull and enormous ache. 

He had a class from 5-7 and heated up some left-overs for a snack before he left.  Upon taking the corelle bowl out of the microwave, he dropped or bumped it or something, but it shattered into millions of pieces.  We both stared at it.  As I went to get the broom I burst into tears saying, "This is our life!  We're shattered!  There are pieces of us everywhere."  It was so pathetic that we both started laughing. 

After he left, it REALLY got quiet.  Monday's my grocery store day, so I decided to head out.  But while I was getting my coupons and list ready, I came across a coupon.  Let me explain.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

I am an eternal optimist, and if I came across a good baby coupon that didn't expire in month, I'd keep it.  When we found about about this baby and I realized I would be able to use this coupon, I cried with joy.  This coupon has been so symbolic for me and I left it on the counter top (which I don't do) for the longest time. 

So when I saw the coupon again, I just burst into tears.  I called my Mom and gathered encouragement.  Then I crumbled up the coupon and tried to throw it away.  But I couldn't.  It expires March 2011.  Surely...SURELY.... 

So now it sits, crumbled up on my counter top.  So symbolic of everything I'm feeling. 

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

I did make it to the grocery store.  And ran into a friend with a new (7 week) baby.  I immediately started to cry and she just loved on me.  I hardly know this girl.  We're in the same Church circle, but she and I haven't crossed paths very often.  But she told me she's been pumping breast milk for me.  That set me off all over again.  Can you believe it?  What a generous, amazing gift.  I'm stunned. 

And now...I'm just sad and heavy hearted.  I'm so thankful for your encouragement, comments, emails and prayers.  It's helpful.  I know the Lord is loving me through you all.

We've made an appointment to talk to our social worker tomorrow- to try to talk through some of this and figure out where or how to go from here. 

Surviving...

Saint Paul said it best,

We are Hard Pressed on every side, BUT NOT Crushed;
Perplexed, BUT NOT in Despair;
Persecuted, BUT NOT Abandoned
Struck Down, BUT NOT Destroyed.
(2 Corinthians 4:8-9)

I am surviving.  At times I have to verbally attest to the present moment, but I am surviving.  I will literally say out loud, "I am washing my hair.  I am drying my face.  I am getting out a plate."  God is the great "I AM" and meets me in those moments. 

And I am angry.  How could they do this to her?  All this time, they did not provide support. When she looked for a plan to parent, they were no where.  When she went into labor and desperately wanted her Mom there, she was not there.  In the pain after the operation, no family came. 

But when it came time to sign the papers, they came.  And they threatened.  And they manipulated and bullied.  How could they do that?  How could they see that as love?

And this is the SECOND TIME this has happened to us!  That the GRANDPARENTS bullied their daughter!  I don't understand.

When I got to hold him in the hospital, the nurse came in and asked M if she had fed him.  When she answered no, the nurse responded with playful chastisement, "Girl!  What are we going to do with you?  You HAVE to feed him every two hours!"  It broke my heart and made me SO glad we would be able to care for him.

And now we're not. 

And I wonder if he's fed.  And dry.  And snuggled. 

Or is he hungry?  Crying?  Scared?

I know my heart will heal.  I know the Lord has me in His grip.  I know I"ll laugh again and be able to move on. 

But what of him? 

This is the fourth child we've lost to a dysfunctional family.  The fourth child we will worry and wonder about.  The fourth child we could have loved and provided for.  The fourth child we would have raised to know Christ.   The fourth child to break our hearts. 

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

I'm so grateful that my best friend and her two children are here.  They are such a blessed distraction.  It is so comforting to hold their youngest (our Godson), to bury my nose in his neck and love on him.  You can't help but smile when he locks eyes with you and grins with his whole body.  You can't help but move on when their beautiful daughter climbs in your lap and asks for a story.  You can't help but giggle at her facial expressions and dramatic flair.  And that is to say nothing of my best friend- who has a sixth sense- a special gift- for know when you need space and when you need to talk; when just a look would set you over the edge, and when you need to break down in a hug.  She's taken and made phone calls for me so that my family and friends would not be sick with worry and sat on the floor and cried with us.  I am so grateful for her presence here with us.  (We may never let her leave!)

I have not wanted to talk on the phone.  But the comments you have left me have been amazing for my spirit.  As your prayers roll in, I've continued to be amazed.  Amazed at the Rosaries and Mass intentions.  Amazed at the offer to take some of our pain.  Amazed at the tears shed on our behalf. 

Thank you, sweet friends. 

It's over.

They've decided to parent. 

URGENT PRAYER NEEDED

M texted me at 8 saying she would be released today. 

But...then she called at 9:20 saying her parents have been calling her all morning and threatening her.  They're telling her she's a horrible person if she does this.  Apparently M's mom almost "gave her up" for adoption but chose to see her as a blessing instead.  Everyone's saying they''ll take care of him.  M is furious that they were no where for the last 9 months but now that it's crunch time they're making her feel like the bad guy.  Her Dad wanted to talk to her and C on speaker phone and apparently gave them hell.  Afterwards, C said he wouldn't sign the papers.  Apparently he has a foster mom (???????) and he left to go talk to her and see if she would raise baby boy. 

Please pray.

WE GOT TO HOLD HIM!!!

We texted her to tell her we're thinking of her and would love to bring her dinner, but want to give her time to rest and she wrote back that dinner would be great.  We planned to just stop in, visit for a few minutes and leave.  But baby boy was in the room!!!!  At first it was SOOOOOOOOOOOOO hard because, of course, all I wanted to do was stare at the baby, but I forced myself to focus on M.  But then, I didn't want to IGNORE baby boy in front of her, so I'd glance here and there...

Anyway, they offered for me to hold him and after being SURE it was okay with M, I took him. 

HE IS SO SMALL!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

J held him, too.  Then I took him back.  I'm greedy.  :)  Then the nurse came in and asked if I wanted to give him a bottle, to learn how.  Again,- I deferred to M, but she said go ahead.  I made sure it was okay with her but felt comfortable with her agreement. 

He is so sleepy and hard to feed.   The nurse said the nurses are doing well if they get 10 mLs in him. 

BUT I GOT 20!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

We didn't take pictures- J thought it would be too pushy to ask her.  We already got WAY more than expected.  But her friends were really happy to meet us- especially her best friend.  She jumped off the bed and threw her arms around me when she realized who we were!!  WOW!

I think it was really good for M to see us in the nurturing role. 

I'm feeling good.  Scared to death, but feeling good. 

This is a lot to take in...

And for all you sweet peas telling us to take care of ourselves, we are!  My best friend and I got a pedicure today.  :)  We might go see a movie tomorrow.  Thanks for looking out for us!

Waiting is SO hard...

Your prayers and thoughts are so encouraging and carrying me through this.  THANK YOU.  I'm so blessed.

After cruising through yesterday, I thought I was in the clear and going to be able to handle this time of waiting easily.

NOPE!!!!

We went to see M and she is in a ton of pain and hasn't slept since Wednesday- plus had the hardest physical activity of her life AND a major operation.  Poor, poor thing.  She was remarkably positive, but not making total sense.  Baby boy was not in the room; she thought he was with the pediatrician and would be coming back any moment.  He didn't.  Our social worker was with us and indicated after a while that we should let her be. 

We tried to peek into the nursery, but he wasn't in there.  Our social worker asked the nurses when he'd be back and they said they had him back there.  They talked for a bit and we were off to the side preparing ourselves to NOT see him at all.  But then the head nurse announced loudly that she would be wheeling him over to the nurse at the desk because "she needed to check on him." 

Then they held him up.  I nearly collapsed into J's arms and started to sob.  He was so beautiful and tiny.  (5 lbs 13 ounces by the way)  I glanced up to ask J if he could take a picture and when I looked back, they had lowered him down and were shaking their heads no and apologizing.  We're not legal yet.  It was that fast, and all I could do to remain standing. 

(But now I'm not worried about attaching...ha ha...)

We're going to bring M and her friends some pizza.  Our focus is on her right now and we're trying not to expect to see baby boy at all, but just love on her.  Because of the c-section, the plan is to have the signing on Sunday.  A long 48 hours from now. 

This. is. so. hard.  So so so so hard.  Please pray for us.

P.S. I didn't notice the "more son" but loved it, too.  :)

He's HERE!!!!

M called me at 3:30 this morning.  I've never jumped out of bed so fast in my life!!!

He was born at 8:30 last night.  (I don't understand why so late, when they said at five the c-section was coming.)  She said he was 5 lbs 18 ounces.  (I'm not sure if I heard her wrong- maybe 8 ounces?  6 lbs 2 ounces?  I was baffled....) and she thought he was 18 inches.  She said he was gorgeous.

She said we could come up any time.  I joked, "How about now?" and she was in total agreement!  I laughed and told her to go to sleep and that we'd come in the morning. 

She confessed how terrible the pain was and how scared she was.  She told me she was terrified of the c-section and wanted me and the birth dad in the room with her.  (If I'd know that, I'd have FLOWN up there!!!) but that you can only have one person in the room.  She said she cried through the whole thing- due to the pain and fear, but also happy tears and that she held on to us as her happy thought.  She said we got her through it. 

Wow. 

This is really going to happen.

I'm not sure about when yet- 48 hours from last night puts us at Saturday night- and the birth dad is a waiter at a very popular restaurant.  So he may not be available to sign then. Maybe Sunday morning????  I'll have to talk to the case worker this morning and see. 

We're feeling a million emotions on a crazy level- yet are quite calm and peaceful.  God is good!!!!!

More son!

NO NEWS YET!!!

Can you believe it?  Mrs. Mike's baby came at the crack of dawn, and ours STILL hasn't come!!!  (Congrats, Mrs. Mike!!!  We're SO happy for you!  Even if you did beat us...)

She called me at 10:30 and was 3-4 cm dilated.  I was shocked that she called me.  I did not expect that at all.  (Good sign, right?) 

The case worker called five and said she was going in for a c-section.  That completely breaks my heart.  I was praying so hard and specifically that she would NOT have to have a c-section.  Sigh...

We're still waiting for news...  I'll let you know!!!

He's Coming...

I took our beautiful birth mom to the doctor today and she came out with a bright smile! 

HE'S COMING TOMORROW!!!!!

They start her on pitocin at five am!!!

The plan is for her to

1. have him tomorrow.  :)
2. Spend the day with him on her own and cherish that time.

Then we'll come up on Friday to meet him and see her.  Saturday we'll sign the papers and bring him home!!!

All plans are obviously subject to change...which is absolutely terrifying.

This is the time I've been dreading.  This is my emotional and spiritual labor.  Please pray for us.  Please, please, please pray for us and for her and that she is surrounded by supportive and loving friends and family. 

Our sweet little guy's middle name is Michael, and we're invoking Saint Michael to protect us all!!!

We can't wait to meet him!!!

AUGH!!!!

When Will I Get It?- and an update

When will I get it? 


A couple of weeks ago, I wrote a post on FEAR.  I was over-analyzing our circumstances in this adoption and getting caught up in how "safe" we were.  The Lord caught me as I was falling, and spoke straight to my heart.  I "got" it.  And I lived it...for a while.

Thursday I found myself falling again.  Nothing happened- just once again over-analyzing how likely this is to actually go through for us.  And again...I found myself falling. 

I imagined being in the hospital and having our case worker come out to tell us that they'd changed their minds.  And the panic-stricken shock and grief in that imagined scenario began to cripple me.  How could I survive that?  For two days I was sinking- KNOWING I needed to keep my eyes on Christ and telling myself, "Look up!!!!  You MUST look up!!!" but sinking still. 

At one point I thought there was no way I could look ahead and trust Him through finalization.  And our sweet, merciful Savior did not condemn me, but met me where I was.  "Can you trust me for the next hour?"  "Yes, Lord, I can trust you with this hour."  And so we went through the day in this manner- one hour at a time.

I poured out my heart and fears to the Lord...and a couple close friends (it's always nice to have the Lord "with skin on"!) and that helped me.  My sweet friend Emily prayed over me and brought a glimpse of peace. 

Then I put on my "Songs of Hope" playlist softly and got out my verse cards.  For the last ten years, when I was dealing with something difficult, I would write Scripture verses on index cards.  I would either carry them around with me or hang them all over the house and car where I could see them and be strengthened by them.  So I opened my treasured cards and began to pray over our Lord's words.  And slowly, but surely, I felt Him speaking to me and healing my soul.  He told me to "Take courage!" in John 16:33, and then gave it to me as I opened my hands.  Here are some more of my favorites.

"My soul be at rest IN GOD ALONE, from whom comes my hope."  Psalm 62:6.  ONLY in Him will I find rest and hope. 

"Jesus Christ is the same yesterday, today and forever."  Hebrews 13:8.  No matter what happens, God is God and He is who He says He is.  He is our Savior- mighty to save and has conquered the world.  In Him alone is my hope.

"Immediately Jesus stretched out His hand and CAUGHT him, and said to him, 'O you of little faith, why did you doubt?'"  Matthew 14:31  This picture of Peter walking on water has struck a chord with me during this journey.  I need the Lord's discipline in this question.  Why AM I doubting? 

"Have NO ANXIETY AT ALL, but in everything, by prayer and petition, WITH THANKSGIVING, make your requests known to God.  Then the PEACE OF GOD that surpasses ALL UNDERSTANDING will GUARD YOUR HEARTS AND MINDS in CHRIST JESUS."  Phil 4:6-7

Saturday morning, I spent some quiet time with the Lord- and He was RELENTLESS!!  After the last bout of fear, Emily had reminded me of Beth Moore's Bible study on Esther.  As Esther decides whether to risk her life to approach the King and plead for her people, she considers the worst case scenario.  She decides to fast and pray as a method of preparation, and asks her friends to do the same, then announces, "If I perish, I perish."  She has considered the worst case scenario and chosen to accept it. 

Beth Moore encourages us to consider the worst case scenario (as I mentioned Linda Dillow did in the FEAR post) and to ask yourself, "THEN WHAT?"  And this is how the Lord dealt with me this morning.  That mental picture is my worst case scenario. 

"THEN WHAT?"  Well, I'd collapse on the hospital floor.
"THEN WHAT?"  Well, I'd sob, beg and plead.
"THEN WHAT?"  Well, I guess they'd make me go home.
"THEN WHAT?"  I'd never want to get out of bed.
"THEN WHAT?"  I'd eventually get out of bed.

"THEN WHAT?"  I'd feel like I could never smile or laugh again.

"THEN WHAT?" I'd be terrified to ever try to adopt again.

"THEN WHAT?"  I guess you'd heal my heart.  Life would go on.  I'd cling to you. 

He then pointed me to Hebrews 13:5.  Now in the Hebrew and Greek, the word "very" does not exist, so to emphasize something, they repeat the word.  If they want to say something is very beautiful, they say it is "beautiful beautiful".  Only one word is ever repeated THREE times in Scripture and it is in Isaiah and again in Revelation.  The word is "HOLY".  "Holy, holy, holy is the Lord of hosts"!  All the angels are crying out in worship! 

And (to my knowledge) there is likewise only one triple negative, which is found in Hebrews 5:13.  Three negatives precede the verb.  So my NAB edition states the verse as this:

"I will never forsake you or abandon you." 

But the Amplified Bible writes it like this:

"I WILL NOT, I WILL NOT, I WILL NOT in ANY degree leave you helpless, nor forsake you, nor relax my hold on you, ASSUREDLY not." 

And so once again, I'm relaxing in His grip of grace.  I can relax and proceed knowing that God is God- and He can use me whether it's through my joy or pain.  He will not let me go- and that's ultimately what matters.

UPDATE!  Our birth mom is dilated, contracting and doing great!  Baby boy has DOUBLED his weight since bed rest began and is a great size now!  This little boy might come any day now!

And...I bought diapers, wipes and formula.  This was huge for me.  This was the first thing I've actually bought- though people have given me things.  Since the last time I attempted to buy things, it didn't go to well, this was a huge step for me and it felt good to get out of the store without a phone call with terrible news.

Pictures...

...OF THE BABY!!!!

The profile picture here isn't the greatest (okay, it's terrible), but it's the best we could get.  He has his little fist up by his mouth. 

LOOK AT THIS FOOT!!!  Imagine where it will go...

He's giving us the PEACE sign!!!!  I LOVE IT!

So I obviously got to go with M to another ultrasound today!  Baby boy is doing GREAT.  He has a strong heart beat and lungs look fabulous.  He's still small, but M is okay with that!  We had a good time and I'm more convinced than ever that she is in this for good.  And GET THIS- I told her the middle name that we picked out and she just stared at me.  THEY HAD PICKED THE SAME NAME.  Oh Lord, you are so gracious!!!  THANK YOU!

I cannot believe I have ultra-sound pictures to brag about!

Update

We are THREE WEEKS away from the due date! 

(Hopefully really this time.  Last time I thought we were three weeks away, they added ten days to the due date!)

This week was really cool because I took our birth mom (M) to TWO doctors appointments!

On Tuesday I brought over some food and a couple of books to help pass the time while on bed rest.  We talked for a while at her apartment and I marveled at how incredibly strong and dedicated she is.  Again, I cannot imagine anyone more positive and peaceful about her decision to make an adoption plan.  We headed over to the doctor and it was just an ob exam, so I waited in the lobby area.  We talked about a lot of thing; she's very open and forth-coming.  My only concern is that I think she might be too positive about the adoption.  I wonder if she's in for a rude awakening when suddenly it's super-hard.  She says things like, "I guess I'll cry, but I think they'll be tears of joy for what I'm giving him."  WOW.  Amazing- but is it realistic?  I brought this up with our case worker though, and she said that often girls will focus on the positive and use that as their strength to make it through the toughness. 

We emailed back and forth a little this week.  My parents bought us a crib, and I asked her if she wanted to see it.  She did and thought it was gorgeous.  She sent it to her Mom, too, who thought it was so exciting that baby boy had a crib.  :)  Most of our email was pretty surface-level, but out-of-the-blue she sent me a lengthy email pouring out her heart.  She didn't talk about the baby at all, but other things in her life that were stressful.  She seems to really trust me and even said I was like a second mother to her.  I think that's a very positive thing in seeing me as a mother.  I'm sure it helps her in placing the baby in my care. 

Yesterday I took her to the ultra-sound.  In a previous e-mail, I expressed my desire to attend, but told her I completely understand if she's not comfortable with that at all.  She never responded, and I wasn't sure what she was going to do, but when they called her back, I stayed seated and she then insisted that I come with her.  She introduced me as the adoptive Mom to all three nurses we encountered.

The first nurse had clearly worked with her before and was just zooming over everything.  This was my first sonogram and I was on the edge of my seat trying to figure out what was what.  I asked him if he could point some things out, but he kind of blew me off saying he's not focused on that but on measurements and movement.  I was incredibly disappointed, but didn't push it any further because it was already a little awkward.   He did finally zoom in on baby boy's face, but it wasn't very clear.  I asked if he could print it for my husband and he replied, "I don't print pictures if they're not great."  Great.  Thanks.

So he left and birth-mom (M) and I chatted a little about how precious he is and how amazing that technology is.  Then ANOTHER nurse came in and she was totally upbeat.  She said the previous nurse said we wanted a better look at the baby and that we hadn't gotten any great shots.  So she hooked the machine back up and took her time showing us his face and zooming in.  This time I could totally see and, of course, got all teary eyed. 

I was elated, but then I looked down and saw M's face.  This chatty, positive girl, was silent and staring at the screen.  It completely broke my heart.  It made it hard to be excited. 

There are so many difficult, complicated, complex emotions here.  I never expected to hurt so badly for our birth mom- whoever she turned out to be.  I wonder if it would be harder or easier if she admitted how hard this is and will continue to be.  I just love her to pieces already and hate to see her hurting silently.

On a happier note- check out the incredibly beautiful crib my parents bought us!   Yes, we had a crib from a friend, but my Grandmother bought my Mom a crib for me, and my Mom really wanted to carry on the tradition.  I resisted for a while, but the current crib's side rail that goes up and down wasn't working right, and after reading that those types of cribs have been recalled, I decided to get the new one.  And I'm SOOOOOOOOOO excited that they bought us this one.  I think it's incredibly beautiful!!!!

God Speaks Through CATALOGS???

When I checked the mail today, I had a fun surprise waiting for me.



Pottery Barn KIDS Catalog!!!!!!!!!

OK- now I do periodically check their website, but I've never gotten their catalog. Now the KIDS catalog shows up in the mail???

HOW DO THEY KNOW????

Of course I sat right down and looked through it gleefully. (A girl can dream!) But then I saw it... One of the new collections is the same name as our (hopeful) little one!!! It's the same name the birth mom picked! It's spelled slightly different, but otherwise the same!

My reaction? I wanted to pick up the phone and call her! I knew she'd be excited about it, too.

And then it hit me. That's the opportunity the open adoption offers. When baby boy does something precious or cute, she'll think it's just as precious or cute! She'll *get* it and it won't get old! And that made me really happy and excited.

Who knew God could speak to my heart through Pottery Barn.

This just means I need to receive this catalog regularly now!

And since we're on the subject of catalogs, have y'all seen THIS? My friend Lisa over at Cheerfully Chaotic sent me the link and I've been hooked ever since! The writer takes pictures from catalogs and creates captions for them. She has two characters: Elaine and Gary who live in the picture and through their voices she makes fun of the random things they place in the staged pictures. It is hilarious. They post a new one every day. Enjoy!

FEAR

Over the course of last week, I took my eye off the ball.  More precisely, I took my eyes off of Christ.  I was like Peter, stepping out of the boat in faith, only to get distracted by my circumstances and fall into the raging waters of FEAR.

• What if she changes her mind? 
• What if we buy things and they decide to parent?
• What if I don't make it out of Target again?
• What if my heart is crushed? 

I found myself grasping for straws- looking for reasons to believe.  I'd hear a positive story or would just "feel" good about our situation and would have a moment of peace, only to fall back into fear.  At the same time, I didn't know how to pray- not that I was making time to really pray.  I don't want to pray that a woman has to part with her child!  But I DO want this to work out for us!  I know I can pray the perfect prayer, "Thy Will be done", but I like to pray specifically and didn't know what that looked like.

Friday, I went to my old trusted book, Calm My Anxious Heart.  Linda Dillow writes a whole chapter called "Trusting God with the What Ifs".  It was this chapter that made me realize how severe the consequences are when we take our eyes off of Christ.  She notes Jeremiah 17:5-8 (NASB):

Thus says the Lord, "Cursed is the man who trusts in mankind and makes flesh his strength, and whose heart turns away from the Lord.  For he will be like a bush in the desert and will not see when prosperity comes, but will live in stony wastes in the wilderness, a land of salt without inhabitant.

Blessed is the man who trusts in the Lord and whose trust is the Lord.  For he will be like a tree planted by the water that extends its roots by a stream and will not fear when the heat comes; but its leaves will be green, and it will not be anxious in a year of drought nor cease to yield fruit.

Am I to be a woman who trusts myself and my circumstances?  Am I going to try to handle the What ifs of life by making flesh my strength?  NO!  I'm going to make the LORD my trust.  A woman who does that will continue to bear the fruit of the Spirit- love, patience, gentleness, joy- even in a year of drought.  If I keep my eyes on Christ, it will not kill me to lose this baby.  I will continue to be the work of His hand.

As a result of dealing with infertility, our hearts have been conditioned to loss.  Each month we eagerly anticipate a positive pregnancy test.  As the end of my cycle approaches, I note every pregnancy symptom and become convinced that I am pregnant.  THIS time is different.  THIS time it's really going to happen.  I calculate due dates and plan how to reveal the big news to my parents, only to start the next day.  My husband and I have also had two unsuccessful adoptions of three children that will always be in our hearts.  We were crushed by those losses and still hurt from them. 

So it only seems natural to fear.  Yes, this time DOES seem different- but what if it's not?  How can I get my hopes up?  How can I not?

Dillow notes, "Perhaps because waiting for an inevitable disaster is worse than the disaster itself" (Calm My Anxious Heart, pg. 151).  May I add a resounding, "AMEN!!"  Waiting for our birth mom to changer her mind is much worse than if she just changed her mind!  Isn't this true in most circumstances?  She describes three steps to handle worrying. 

1. "Ask yourself what is the worst that can possibly happen.
2. Prepare to accept it if you have to.
3. Then calmly proceed to improve on the worst" (Calm My Anxious Heart, pg. 155).

In my mind right now, the worst that can possibly happen is that I'll either get a dreaded phone call at Target again or we'll have bought and prepared everything, only to have him not come home with us.  The first I've survived before.  The second?  My purpose here on Earth is to glorify the Lord.  If that's how the Lord will use me to bring Him glory, then I accept His will for me. 

And if all of this was not enough to reflect on over the last two days, the Lord really drove it home in the Adoration Chapel today.  As I asked Him how to pray for our birth mom and her child, He told me to pray that WE would be strong enough to give him up.  If we already love him so much and would do anything for him, she must love him that much more.  If she can love him enough to make an adoption plan, than we can love him enough to bow out gracefully if she decides to parent. 

Jesus, I trust you with our family.

An Update

RATS!

The due date has moved from August 12 to August 22!  And the countdown had JUST dropped below 20.  Now it's back up to 29!  RATS!!

Our birth mom is one active girl!  She runs, swims and does yoga regularly- not to mention the activity of a young life!  She's been put on bed-rest for three weeks to give him more calories.  I'm going to bring her some food next week and am making a list of calorie-rich food.  Any good suggestions? 

We weren't able to meet the birth dad this week, but are hoping to soon.  It probably won't be this week, either, but perhaps the next week? 

The good news is I just had my first phone conversation with this beautiful young woman and it felt very natural and easy!  (Except she called me "ma'am".  Twice!  :))  I'm hoping bringing her food and hanging out a little bit will give us the opportunity to get to know each other better. 

I've also read in my book the Open Adoption Experience to make sure you only do things for the birth mom that you would do for any friend or that you stipulate why you are doing them.  It warns that sometimes if you're caring for her while she's pregnant and then stop when the baby's born, it can seem like you were just trying to get something or manipulating her.  With that in mind, I will be sure to mention that the food is because she is on bed rest. 

My family was in town all week and we had such a great time.  I hated to see them go, but am hoping and praying they'll have a reason to come back soon!!  It was a busy week, and I didn't get (make time for) as much prayer time as I need.  I found myself taking my eyes off of Christ and onto our circumstances.   Fear comes rushing in at those moments.  We're headed to Adoration and Confession in an hour.  I can hardly wait!  I need some Jesus time!!

UPDATE!!!!  I posted this and then saw THIS!!!!!!!!  WOW!!!!!  Praise the LORD!!  Thank you, Father!!

An OPEN Adoption? Part 2

Part 1 is here.

The phrase, "Adoption begins in pain" kept echoing in my mind and heart.  Yes, but how does it end?  What is the best way to bring healing?  Open?  Closed?  Semi-open?  And if it's open, what does it look like??? 

Enter bloggers!  Grace in My Heart informed me that Small Treasures had experienced both open and closed adoptions and could talk about both perspectives!  After reading her story I was amazed at her experience and stunned by how positive it was.  I emailed Kristen, and she wrote back right away.  Her email was like an IV of Peace.  It flooded my system and instantly relaxed my fears.  She explained that having experienced both, she actually preferred open, and NEVER would have guessed that she would feel that way!  She told me how she loves knowing where her daughter gets this or that trait and that she'll be able to share that with her daughter.  She also informed me that birth-moms need to move on with their life and that contact may not continue in such a regular manner. 

Another blogger gave me her phone number and we talked for almost an hour.  She said a few things that really struck me, the most profound was, "There is a God-given relationship between a birth-mom and baby, and I respect that relationship."  Huh...  True.  Another statement to get tossed around in my heart and mind!  She also spoke of the joy of developing a relationship with the birth-mom during her pregnancy.  In her case, they talked on the phone every day.  This, she pointed out, would greatly help my fear that the adoption would not work out, because you get a direct feel for how she is feeling about the situation.  Is she wavering?  Dead-set?  Does she have the support of friends and family? 

She also gave advice that put my husband's fears at bay.  Right now, the birth mom is totally in the driver's seat.  She's calling the shots and saying what she wants this to look like.  But after the adoption is final, we're in the driver's seat.  And if the relationship was no longer healthy, we could cut off contact.  Now I would never ever ever promise to do one thing (contact) while planning on doing another.  That would be evil.  But as the Daddy wanting to protect his family and baby, it brought my husband (and me) peace knowing that we COULD take action if it was absolutely necessary.  Furthermore, the birth-mother realizes this, too, and as a result, respects the relationship. 

***Please read that last paragraph in the spirit it is meant.  Again- I would NEVER promise something without intending to do it.  And anyone planning on such action would be dead wrong and guilty of moral sin- in my opinion.***

I also spoke with a friend who was adopted about her experience.  Her adoption was closed and she has no knowledge of her birth mother.  She doesn't know her medical history, what her birth parents look like, or the reasons for the adoption, and she has hurt as a result.  She speculated that openness would have helped heal these wounds. 

And what of Scripture?  One of the special things about adoption is that WE have been adopted.  Adopted children have a very real experience of what that means.  As I wrote in my book review of Adopted for Life by Russell Moore, adoption is identity.  It tells us who we are in the Lord.  “For you did not receive a spirit of slavery to fall back into fear, but you received a spirit of adoption, through which we cry, Abba, Father!” (Romans 8:15)  So what kind of adoption do we have? 

Biblically, we have an open adoption.  We know our birth parents.  In fact, it is SO open, that He allows us to be raised by our birth parents, and to keep returning to our old ways.  The parallel is not exact, but you get the idea.  We, as parents, are entrusted with these children while they are on earth, but they are not ours.  They belong to the Father.  Whether we are birth parents or adoptive parents, our children are His- made in His image and given His name.  In fact, in the Catholic Church, His body and blood even run through their veins through the Eucharist. 

Finally, we watched Catelynn's story on 16 and Pregnant.  I had blogged about it here in the past.  My husband had not seen it yet, so I suggested we watch it together.  It was an incredible experience- even the second time- to see what Catelynn went through and to see her perspective. As we connected with her story, we completely understood her desire to stay connected to the baby- and we saw how healing that could be.

As we continued to pray about this option and speak to friends, we felt confident that this was the direction the Lord was leading us. In fact, we went from being terrified about open adoption, to okay, to excited about it!  There are still major question marks in our head as we begin to discover what THIS open adoption will look like, but we know that He gives us "just enough light for the step we're on."  We may not know what this will look like in six months or six years, but we know that He will guide us and provide as abundantly as He has in the past!

An OPEN Adoption?? Part 1

So here we are... moving towards a baby and an open adoption.  We're going to be PARENTS!!!  The reality has not sunk in at all!  There are so many unknowns in adoption.   Should we start buying things?  How can we not?  How can we?  But there are even more questions about what an open adoption is and what it looks like.  The Lord has opened my heart beyond belief in this and I want to share the process with you here. 


As I freaked out prayed about the reality of an open adoption, I did what any other rational woman would do.  I Googled it.  (Turns out the birth mother did, too!)  As I browsed through blogs and websites, I found four words that struck me to my core: "Adoption begins in pain." 

"Adoption begins in pain." 

"Adoption begins in pain."  I kept turning the words over and over in my mind.  I thought about them while I showered, cooked, cleaned and folded laundry.  I kept mulling them over pondering their truth, significance and implications.  Then as I was drying my hair one morning I felt God calling me to my old faithful journal. 

I wiped the dust off and cracked my old friend open only to find the last words I had written six months ago.  "Your fears are a passport to a new state, to a higher level, to a greater joy."  (A Call to Joy by Matthew Kelly)  Could that have significance here, I wondered? 

I began to write about the pain involved for the birth mother, adoptive parents, and adoptee. 

Birth mother: to lose a child, to place him in the hands of another, to trust a stranger with your most precious gift- your own flesh and blood, to relinquish all control and possibly knowledge.  Oh...my heart broke as I truly pondered her pain.

Adoptive Parents: adoption usually begins with the pain of infertility- the emotional roller coaster each month now compounded with that of adoption, to want to be a "normal" family, to fear the questions, hurt and anger the child will have as he grows.  Would he shout at me as a teenager, "You're not my real Mom?"  Would others ask if he knows his real mom?  Am I his fake mom?  In an open adoption- to fear unclear or overstepped boundaries, judgement or regret by the birth mother, to feel like you're sharing a child, or worse, co-parenting. 

Baby: and what of the child?  Research shows that a newborn can identify their biological Mom.  Do they suffer emotional pain as they are torn away?  Will they suffer from attachment issues?  Later in life will they hurt with unanswered questions of origin and the reason for the adoption? 

The statement, "Adoption begins in pain" seems to be true.  But does it heal?  How?  In closed adoptions, are adoptive parents able to pretend?  Can they imitate a "normal" family?  Does that bring them healing?  And what does it bring the child and birth mother?  Would an open adoption bring healing to all?  At what price? 

To be continued...