Were we DESPERATE?

Today, We Are Grafted In published a past blog post of mine about open adoption.  From it, I received the following comment:

I saw your post on WAGI and just want to say why on earth would you do an open adoption? Are you that desperate? You will never really be that child's parent in an open adoption. Also, what happens when mom either decides she wants to have more time and involvement then you agreeded too or decided when the kid if 6 to just disappear? 

I think if you stay tuned for part two, you will find your questions are answered.  However, I wrote those two posts when we were still contemplating open adoption, and now we are living it.  While I believe part two will answer your questions, I will take this opportunity to share what we have learned from experiencing an open adoption.


"ARE YOU THAT DESPERATE?"
Well, in the beginning, yes we were!  It was made abundantly clear to us that birth moms hold all the cards when deciding upon a family and that the vast majority of them chose an open adoption.  If we were to close ourselves off to that possibility, we would severely limit potential matches.


When I wrote that post, we were matched with a young woman, M, and her boyfriend.  The social worker was clear that they wanted an open adoption, complete with visits.  We were skeptical and scared, but decided to meet her.  We hit it off and really liked M.  We exchanged information and decided to keep in touch.  As I spent time with M, I was able to read her intentions and judge for myself how committed to adoption she was.  This brought me great peace.  Later, M was confined to bed rest and needed assistance.  I brought her some books and meals and took her to her doctors' appointments.  This was an amazing blessing for me as I got to know M and see the baby on the ultrasound multiple times.


Seeing that sweet baby on the ultrasound brought home the phrase I discussed in part 1: "Adoption begins in pain."  There were such mixed emotions as we watched that little guy on the screen.  There was joy at seeing a precious new life that was potentially my baby, but there was also great pain as I watched M's face.  Her eyes were glued to the screen- eager to soak up any time with him and capture every image.  Her enormous sacrifice and the pain it brought her cut deep into my soul.


While watching that ultrasound, I learned that the relationship between a baby and their birth mother is God-ordained and therefore sacred.  The reality is that the baby exists only because of that birth mother, in a similar way that Jesus's humanity exists only because of Mary's fiat.  She deserves the right to know if she is cared for, loved, and happy and to see that for herself through pictures or visits.  And the child ideally deserves to know where they came from and why adoption was chosen for them.  Through open adoption, both of these are achieved.


When the baby was born, we went to the hospital multiple times.  We loved on M, brought her gifts, flowers and food.  We respected the precious little time she had with the baby.  She respected our anxiousness to meet the sweet baby and allowed us to hold him and even feed him. My heart is filled with joy at the memory.  


The day we were supposed to bring him home, M called.  Her parents had begun to call her and greatly pressure her to keep the baby.  She didn't know what to do and hated what this would mean for us.  (Go here for more details on that phone call.)  Ultimately she decided to parent.  We were devastated, but looking back I am so grateful that we had those couple months to love on her and bless her.  I don't believe it was God's will to cause us both such pain, but I trust that He has and will use the relationship we had to bring her closer to Him.  


THREE DAYS LATER (this still boggles my mind) we received word of another match.  But this time the birth mom wanted a closed adoption.  We agreed, but when the baby was born, she wanted to meet us.  We really hit it off and bonded over the amazing beauty and preciousness of that baby girl.  That baby girl is now our daughter and will be forever!


While in the hospital, we exchanged information with Abigail's birth mom and have kept in touch.  We send her pictures via snail mail and email.  She has texted us on occasion, such as Thanksgiving to tell us how thankful she is for us.  (I almost fell over.  If only we could express to her how thankful we are for HER!)  In February we got together for the first time.  I was nervous, but had an overwhelming sense of peace about the opportunity.  


IT. WAS. AMAZING.  It was an enormous blessing for both of us.  Abigail's birth mom was able to see for herself how happy and healthy Abigail is.  She laughed as Abigail kept her little tongue hanging out, and showed us a picture of her as a little girl with her tongue hanging out!  We learned more about Abigail as we spent time with her birth mom.  


The biggest surprise was how much peace the experience brought me.  I had hoped that our get together would bring her birth mom healing.  I was not prepared for how much healing it would bring me.  She told us multiple times how happy she was for us- how satisfied she was with how we loved and cared for Abigail.  She single-handedly wiped out any fear that remained in my heart as she gave her blessing on our family.  

So, were we desperate enough to consider open adoption?  Yes.  But praise God for working through our desperation, because I am no longer desperate, I am thankful for our open adoption.  

"YOU WILL NEVER REALLY BE THAT CHILD'S PARENT IN AN OPEN ADOPTION."

This was a real fear that was present regardless of the type of adoption.  Would I really feel like her Mom?  Would I know she was mine despite the fact that she suddenly appeared in our home and family?   The answer?

YES.  100%, without a doubt, absolutely YES.  I am Abigail's Mom.  She is my daughter.  I didn't need the piece of paper to tell me (though it's nice to have!), I became Abigail's Mom the first time I held her.  How do I know?

• Knowing every facial expression, move and noise she makes.
• The sleepless nights as we battled colic.
• Being the only one who could soothe her those nights.
• Seeing her face light up when she sees me.
• The way she looks to me for approval and smiles.
• Knowing that everything I have is hers.  I would give anything and everything for her.
• Holding her all night long and breathing her in.
• Making decisions for her.
• Knowing that my heart has grown a million times over and could absolutely explode at any moment!  LOOK OUT!  
• AND SO MUCH MORE.

Abigail's relationship with her birth mom does not take away from our relationship as parents.  It enhances it.  She has the chance to see how loved she is, both by her birth mom who made an extraordinarily sacrificial and loving choice, and by us who do not cling to her with jealousy and fear, but give her the freedom to know her roots.

But there's more.  

If I'm not Abigail's Mom, then God isn't really my Father.  We have been adopted by the Father through our Lord Jesus Christ.  We are TRULY His sons and daughters.  Everything He has is ours.  He holds nothing back, but makes us co-heirs with Christ.   We are partakers of His divine nature and are blessed with every spiritual blessing in the heavens.  

So yes, we are truly her parents.  

"What happens when mom either decides she wants to have more time and involvement then you agreeded too?"

As I mentioned earlier, in the matching process, the birth parents hold all the cards.  They have the ability to end the relationship if their expectations are not met.  As adoptive parents, this is a frightening and vulnerable place to be.  But what's more frightening is the place the birth parents know they'll soon be in for the rest of the child's life.  It is a short period (relatively speaking) that we, as adoptive parents, are in that vulnerable position.  But as soon as their parental rights are terminated, WE hold all the cards.  Birth parents do not know if we will be true to our word and stay in contact or truly take good care of their precious gift.  We, as adopted parents, have the right to limit, or even terminate, contact if the relationship becomes unhealthy or dangerous.  And because all parties know this, the relationship is respected and honored.  

Are there some horror stories out there about open adoption?  Without a doubt.  The toxic two percent are usually publicized and sensationalized so as to drive fear into everyone's hearts.  And yet the potential for a beautiful and healing relationship is worth the risk.  

Thank you, Jesus, for leading us to an open adoption.  We love our birth moms!!!

Worth the Wait

How I have longed to write this post!  So many times I have stared at my side bar where "Introduction" posts are listed.  1st, 2nd and 3rd unsuccessful adoptions.  Dare I write a "1st successful adoption" post, or would there be a 4th?  I decided to wait.

Here I sit one day after finalization, and the world is such a lovelier place!  It is with such peace and joy that I am writing!  Sometimes you don't realize how heavy your heart has been until you can finally sigh in relief.  I truly thought finalization would just make the legal reality match the reality of our hearts- that we are, indeed, a family. But I have such relief and feel so much lighter today!  Such sweet joy!

Last night I couldn't fall asleep.  My usual practice at this point is to picture Christ on the cross while I say my prayers.  But when I summoned the mental image, what appeared was different.  Christ was resurrected.  I almost cried right there in bed lying next to my husband and baby.

Thank you, Jesus- my Lord, my Redeemer, and my Savior, for resurrecting my cross.  Thank you for bringing our hopes and dreams to a reality.  Thank you for bringing new life from our wounds and for not sending our love back void.  Thank you for this precious, beautiful, sweet baby girl.  I am so not worthy, but I will rejoice in this precious gift with all my heart.

It's difficult to know where to begin Abigail's story.  Is it with infertility?  The previous adoption that she came on the heels of?  Or just the moment we laid eyes on her at the hospital?  I've come to understand that it's all of the above and more.  It began with loving my brothers and seeing my parents openness to life.  It's baby-sitting and learning to nurture.  It's loving my husband and seeing our babies in his eyes.  It's in the Lord who "chose us in Him before the foundation of the world" (Ephesians 1:4).  It's in love!

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

 Precious Abigail,

I have longed for you for as long as I can remember!  Your Daddy and I dreamed of holding you, loving you, teaching you and being with you since we knew we were going to get married!  You have always been a part of our lives, before we even knew your name.  It took us a long time to get to you, and parts of the journey were very hard, but you were so worth the wait.


Daddy and I wanted our family to grow, and we were hoping to adopt a special baby.  Three different times we thought we'd found our baby, but it did not work out.  Each time we were heart-broken and prayed for the strength to trust the Lord and try again.  A few days after our third heartache, we went to our social worker for help.  "How can we get through this?" we asked.  "How can we try again?  It is so painful when your hopes and dreams end so abruptly."  Ms. Anne listened to the Lord and asked us to be very brave.  She told us that even though we were sad about Caeden Michael, there was another Tummy Mama who wanted us to be the baby's family.

We left that day knowing that a baby girl was going to be born in a month and that we were hoping to be her parents.   We were so scared, but the Lord gave us the courage we needed to try again.  "Take courage!" Jesus whispered to my heart again and again.  I kept picturing a beautiful curly haired girl, and my heart would dare to hope again.  I begged the Lord that this time we could be the baby's parents.

On September 12, 2010, Ms. Anne called us.  "The baby girl was born!  Can you come to the hospital?"  We jumped in the car and started driving before we realized we had forgotten our camera!  Quick!  Back to the house and out again to see YOU!

 You were SO BEAUTIFUL.  You were so AWAKE!  You didn't want to miss ANYTHING!  You were looking all around and stared at your Daddy.  He stared right back at you- totally in love!  We held you and loved you as long as we could before we had to go back home.  The whole way home I looked at all the pictures and show them to your Daddy.  We could not get enough of you!!!  When we got home I dared to cut the tags off the girl clothes that we bought and washed them!  I packed the diaper bag and moved the cradle from the guest bedroom closet into our room.  Would there REALLY be a baby there soon?  We were still so scared!

The next day we picked up breakfast and drove to the hospital.  Daddy and your tummy mama's friend went to get coffee in the hospital and your tummy mama and I got to talk and stare at you.  She loves you SO much, Abigail.  She was one hundred percent convinced she had the perfect family for you.  She held you and cuddled you and kissed you- and then she handed you to me.  We drove her home, and then we had you all to ourselves!

Ms. Leslie and Ms. Robin came to see you and we proudly showed off our new daughter!

The next morning, your Daddy had to do a few things, so I had you ALL TO MYSELF!  I savored every moment and could not get enough of you.  I stared and stared and stared at you.  I could not believe I was in charge of feeding you and changing your diapers.  I was in complete awe.  This was the day we would take you HOME!!!!

But not before we got some bad news.  Right before you were released from the hospital, we found out there was a legal technicality, and that you may not get to stay with us.  I wanted to die.  Never before have I been SO SCARED in my whole life.  You were our daughter.  We were totally and completely in love with you.  It was with joyful and heavy hearts that we signed our papers and brought you home.  It was the best and the worst week of my entire life.  The best because YOU were HOME!  OUR home!!!  And we were MADE to be your parents!  But it was the worst because we were TERRIFIED of losing you.

Grammie and Gabbie came to visit and they fell in love, too!!  They stayed until Monday when Ms. Anne came.  She knew more about our situation and we were able to breath more easily.

Months have gone by.  You were Baptized into God's family and adopted by the Lord!  And now you're officially ours!  We are overwhelmed with gratitude to the Lord for trusting us with your care.  We are in awe of the sacrifice it took to bring you to us.  You are our living miracle.  You are our tangible reality of hope.  You are our daughter, and we love you with all our hearts.

With all our love
Mommy and Daddy


P.S.  To anyone who's been hurt and is afraid to try again:
DON'T MISS OUT ON AN ABIGAIL!

We almost missed the court summons...

...no joke.


It was a perfect day.  My family was here.  Abigail decided to take a LONG nap in the morning for the first time EVER, which was great since our summons was in the middle of her afternoon nap!  We had champagne on ice and her Godparents had flowers delivered!  Aren't they gorgeous!!!  After lunch, Grandma got some Abigail time to herself and my brother, his girlfriend and I went exploring.  We got back with plenty of time to freshen up and head out the door.  


Except that I left the actual summons on the kitchen table. 


No problem!  We knew where it was and drove past that court house all the time!  We got FRONT row parking upon arrival, and our friends pulled up at the same time!  We were almost half an hour early, so stood out front chatting and making introductions before we mosied on over to the front door.


Which was locked.  


No problem... must be a side door.  I called our social worker to see, but there was no answer.  A bit panicked, I texted her.  No answer.  I called the office.  No answer.  J thought the building across the street might be part of the court house, so my brother ran over.  Nope.  And the clock was ticking. 


What could we do?  Out of desperation, I called my neighbor who, God bless her, didn't ask any questions, but followed my panicked pleas.  "We're having an emergency.  Can you see if our back door is unlocked?"  IT WAS.  She found the paper on the table and read us the address.  All the guys immediately pulled out their phones and were typing away.  (OK, J.  I'll admit it now- your iPh.one is worth it!!!)  It was a few blocks further and we'd already walked a couple of blocks, so we high-tailed it over, but my brother ran back to get the car.  He picked up J, A and me and dropped us off at the real court house, then turned back to get the others.


But that wasn't the right one either.  


In tears, we turned back AGAIN to the building they pointed us to- another two blocks away.  We rushed through security and up to the correct floor, bursting through the elevator in a panic.  


We had made it.  


A minute later, my Mom and our friends joined us- as we'd told them which building was the correct one!  My brother and his girlfriend were parking, but the rest of us hurried into the judges chambers. 


We'd made it.

We all got settled, and the attorney turned to me first.  "State your name for the judge."


"Lauren M...M...M.... M______"  Oh geez.  I don't even know my name?


"Tell the Judge when you were married."  


"June 6.  I MEAN TENTH!  June 10, 2006!"  Oh...this is going well.  


"Is it your desire to adopt Abigail?"


Here come the tears!  "With (sniff, sniff) all my heart. (sniff, sniff)"


And the rest is history!  We are DONE.  AN OFFICIAL family that NO ONE can change!!!

Thank you, Judge!!!

She held our her arms to the Judge and went right to him! 

Our incredible social worker!

He was SO happy!

Grammie and Abigail!

   

Kisses!

Sweet friends and a BFF!

My angel!

TPR is DONE!!!!!!

I've been on pins and needles all morning- heightened by the dreary rainstorm.  The phone rang and I froze as our agency's name appeared on the caller id.  This could be very good....or very, very bad.  Right away, our social worker cleared that up!  

TPR WAS SIGNED!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I've been praying and praying that Abigail's birth parents would have such a peace about their decision.  I wonder if they're conscious of what happened today.  I know they were both notified, but I wonder if it was weighing on them, as it was me.  Once again I have such mixed emotions- rejoicing for our family, while grieving their loss.  


But suddenly this dreary day seems to fit perfectly.  Tears for the loss and fears while at the same time creating new life.  Hope for our daughter.  Hope for a forever family.  We're almost there! Thank you for your prayers!  Today is a day for rejoicing!!!


NOTE: I'm double checking to make sure I can post pictures now.  I've got a post and a new header ready to go!

Tentatively OK...for now...

Our social worker came this morning for the one week post-placement visit.  I begged J call her this morning to ask if she was going to take the baby.  :(  She said, "NO!" 

They're filing paperwork with the court, but thinks seem like they're going in our favor.  It's all very speculative, of course, but what we know is in our favor. 

Thank you so much for your prayers.  Thank you, thank you, thank you!! 

I hope to write about Abigail's name and name-sake tomorrow. 

I Thought I'd Feel Better

...when our wonderful birth mother signed. 

I thought it would be a huge weight lifted off of our shoulders and that we would be able to rejoice purely.   But my heart broke for her.  She (birth mother) was so strong, so courageous, and so happy for us.  I cannot stop thinking of her sacrifice and her amazing love for her daughter.  My heart broke for her as she kissed sweet Abigail good bye and told her how much she loved her.  We continue to kiss her for her birth mom and tell her of birth mom's love many times a day. 

I thought I'd feel better the next day.  But I was plagued with fear of the birth dad suddenly seeing a picture and discovering how stunningly beautiful Abigail is and wanting her.  All day long it haunted me.

And then I found out about this new situation that might destroy our family.  And I'm absolutely terrified.  Waiting, waiting, waiting for news.   I'm terrified when our social worker calls and terrified when she doesn't.  I have never been so scared in my whole life. 

And that makes me. so. mad.  I'm furious that I have these fears when I should just be rejoicing!  Whether or not she's ultimately ours, I want to treasure and savor these days with her.  I am trying so hard to live in the moment, but I'm often failing. 

I'm sorry to be so secretive. You must understand.  But please, please pray for us.  We are desperate for your prayer.  We're praying the Lord hides us in the shadow of His wings.  We are so grateful for you. 

Abigail's 1st Bath!

No...no pictures!  Well...one, but not of Abigail!!!  I'm sorry!!

Last night we gave Abigail her first bath. I was terrified. J was a pro. :) He did the washing and I took the pictures. Abigail was NOT a fan! Maggie came running to see what was going on. She decided I was hurting Abigail (shock!!!) and started to attack me!!! She body slammed me, stood on her legs and tried to hit me with her paws and then bit my bottom!!! It was so funny and sweet!!!

Please, please, please keep praying.  We are not out of the woods yet and we are desperate for your prayers.  Ask Blessed Chiara to intercede for our Abigail Chiara.  I am so scared and trying to let Jesus guard my heart, protect me from fear, and help me be in this moment right now with the great I AM. 

PLEASE pray for us. 

SORRY!!!!

Your commetns and even your *threats* :) have been fun to read!!! 

It has been a very, very long day with some major ups and down. 

Biggest up?  We SIGNED OUR PAPERS and are HOME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Biggest down?  We're not out of the woods yet.  I can't get specific, but prayers are desperately needed.  Just pray.

And your biggest down?  I'm not allowed to post pictures on the blog until TPR. (Termination of Parental Rights)  That could be 4-6 months- my best guess. 

BUT...if you email me at psalm34.3_magnifythelord@yahoo.com than I will email you a picture!  At least...if you leave lots of comment love! 
I promise more soon.  We're going to wake her up and feed her and GO TO BED!!!!

Picture note

We had to take the pics down until paperwork is done. Nothing is wrong! More later!

SHE'S HERE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

OH MY GOSH!!!

The social worker just called and told us she was born today at 3:30pm (ish) and is 6 lbs 13 ozs and totally healthy!!  Birth Mom is going to spend this evening with the baby, then DISCHARGE IN THE MORNING AND SIGN THE PAPERS!!!!  Translation- she'll be ours tomorrow!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

More to follow soon!!! 

Small Update- Nothing Major

no labor yet

RATS!!!!  So much for September 8.

But two good pieces of information:

1) The social worker finally made contact with the baby's grandma today. They've been playing phone tag back and forth. She is supportive and has NO plans or desire to interfere or suggest a different plan.



2) The social worker talked to birth mom today and she's still very confident and positive in her adoption plan. She does not seem to be wavering in any way.

No news on the birth dad. 

J is super busy at work, so he's hoping the baby's late. I told him he doesn't get a vote. :) I'm busy as well, so the waiting hasn't been too hard. I went to L.owes today and rented a steam cleaner for the couches and rugs, steel wool and wax to buff some place on the floors, light sockets and wire to fix two lamps that broke in the move, and screws to replace some that are missing in our chairs.  Is this what they call NESTING???  :)  Whatever it's called, it's distracting me!  Please pray that we can keep our focus on this moment and meet the Lord here.

Not much else to say.  Just praying very hard for a friend who's in the drama of signing right now with a birth mom who is wavering. 
 

September 8

Today is my half-birthday!

 Happy half birthday to me!! 

Do I sound like a 4 year old?  :)

Here's the thing.  When I was a little girl, I would start anticipated my half-birthday starting from about August 1.  Then I'd suddenly realize it was September 10 (or so) and I had completely missed it!  Year after year, I'd look forward to, and then completely miss, my half-birthday.  So as an adult, I still smile on the day- hoping to sort of retroactively celebrate.  It's the kid in me.  :)  (And no- I didn't myself a cake.  Clever cake, though, huh?  Thanks Google Images!  If you look closely, you'll see it says Happy 1/2 Birthday, Blake.  Huh.  Happy 1/2  birthday, Blake!)

Last night, I was laying in bed and hoping baby girl will be born tomorrow.  Ever since Ashley pointed out in a comment that September 8 is the birthday of our blessed Mother, I've been hoping for September 8.  (Side note- how did I not know that about Mary!  It makes sense- 9 months after her conception.  Can anyone tell me more about this?)

Then suddenly I realized, WOAH!  My half birthday is the Blessed Mother's real birthday! And HER half-birthday :) is MY real birthday! 

And that made me smile. 

So COME on baby girl!  Today's a neat link with two of your Mamas!!  :)

Pictures!

A surprise!  I NEVER expected to see these, but our social worker surprised us with them today!  They're from a couple of months ago- July 2- and to be honest, I really can't see her face in the face shot!  (I feel like Rachel in "Friends"!)  No real update otherwise.  Everything looks/sounds good.  

Praying for grace!!

Adoption Attempt #4

Yes, you read that correctly.

I've been holding back.

Two weeks ago, that's just three days after we lost Caeden Michael, we went to talk to our social worker.  We discussed all of the expected topics, such as what happened and how we were working through the grief.  Then, as we were wrapping things up, our wonderful social worker asked us how we felt about moving forward.  I exclaimed, "I don't know!  Part of me is thinking, 'Why are you still sitting there!  Come on!  Go show our profile!'" 

Her face changed drastically.  "Are you serious?" she asked. 

How those words have echoed in my heart ever since.  Are we serious? 

While we were still matched with M, M's case worker began to get nervous.  M was not communicating with her, so the social worker was wondering what was going on with her.  Meanwhile she was working with another expectant Mom who was having a difficult time picking a couple.  The social worker kept thinking of us, but knew that was crazy since we were matched with M.  But something (Holy Spirit?) kept nudging her, so she slipped our profile in the next batch. 

You know where this is going.

She picked us immediately.  I can just imagine the social worker sighing and looking up to Heaven, as if to say, "I was afraid of this."  She explained that we were matched, and this expectant Mom declared that she didn't care.  She was done looking at profiles.  We're the ones she wanted.  If our adoption went through, then she'd look at more, but until then- it was us. 

Deep breath. 

Here are the facts:

• She's due SEPTEMBER 9.  Woah.
• It's a GIRL!  :)
• Closed adoption. 
• She's very committed to adoption.
• She wants a few hours at the hospital with the baby to say hello and goodbye.  The rest of the time the baby will be with us.
• She knows our past situations, and gave permission for the social worker to contact her Mother, so that we would feel at ease about her support. 
• BUT...the father is not cooperating.  He's not responding to the agency's attempts to contact him.  He could never respond.  OR...

Needless to say, we walked out of the office dazed and wondering which way was up.  We felt numb for days.  I remember as we walked to the car saying, "I never expected to leave today with hope."  And yet, hope is what I have. 

We've kept quiet.  We wanted to deal with the grief of losing Caeden Michael.  We didn't want to jump into the next attempt acting like nothing ever happened- to let this possibility be a band-aid on our hearts. 

I desperately do not want to treat this as the reason we lost Caeden Michael.  This new baby is NOT why Caeden Michael is not ours.  The Lord was NOT holding out on us or making us jump through hoops to get to our real baby.  When we finally get a baby in our arms, I know we won't be able to imagine life any other way, but that doesn't mean a certain baby is destined to be ours.  I would compare it to dating and marriage.  I do not believe in a single soul-mate for a person.  I could "work" with many different men.  THE man for me ended up being the man I married.  He's the one.  I could have married another "one".  The same is true with these babies.  Sam and Grace could have been ours.  Isaiah could have been ours.  Caeden Michael could have been ours.  This one might be ours. 

She's due in just ten days. 

God has been SO gracious in helping me to stay in this moment.  I'm not getting ahead of myself- for once.  Perhaps because I feel so whipped around like a rag doll, but I'm really not looking forward or backward, but simply focused on this moment.  Every morning I do a quick countdown, and then I move on.  I'm praying- especially for this birth father- but I'm not obsessed.  It also helps that I already have what we would need, so I'm not constantly wondering whether I should or shouldn't buy anything. 

This is where we're at.  We've taken a deep breath and are diving in.  How could we say no? 

praying for grace