Adoption Attempt #4

Yes, you read that correctly.

I've been holding back.

Two weeks ago, that's just three days after we lost Caeden Michael, we went to talk to our social worker.  We discussed all of the expected topics, such as what happened and how we were working through the grief.  Then, as we were wrapping things up, our wonderful social worker asked us how we felt about moving forward.  I exclaimed, "I don't know!  Part of me is thinking, 'Why are you still sitting there!  Come on!  Go show our profile!'" 

Her face changed drastically.  "Are you serious?" she asked. 

How those words have echoed in my heart ever since.  Are we serious? 

While we were still matched with M, M's case worker began to get nervous.  M was not communicating with her, so the social worker was wondering what was going on with her.  Meanwhile she was working with another expectant Mom who was having a difficult time picking a couple.  The social worker kept thinking of us, but knew that was crazy since we were matched with M.  But something (Holy Spirit?) kept nudging her, so she slipped our profile in the next batch. 

You know where this is going.

She picked us immediately.  I can just imagine the social worker sighing and looking up to Heaven, as if to say, "I was afraid of this."  She explained that we were matched, and this expectant Mom declared that she didn't care.  She was done looking at profiles.  We're the ones she wanted.  If our adoption went through, then she'd look at more, but until then- it was us. 

Deep breath. 

Here are the facts:

• She's due SEPTEMBER 9.  Woah.
• It's a GIRL!  :)
• Closed adoption. 
• She's very committed to adoption.
• She wants a few hours at the hospital with the baby to say hello and goodbye.  The rest of the time the baby will be with us.
• She knows our past situations, and gave permission for the social worker to contact her Mother, so that we would feel at ease about her support. 
• BUT...the father is not cooperating.  He's not responding to the agency's attempts to contact him.  He could never respond.  OR...

Needless to say, we walked out of the office dazed and wondering which way was up.  We felt numb for days.  I remember as we walked to the car saying, "I never expected to leave today with hope."  And yet, hope is what I have. 

We've kept quiet.  We wanted to deal with the grief of losing Caeden Michael.  We didn't want to jump into the next attempt acting like nothing ever happened- to let this possibility be a band-aid on our hearts. 

I desperately do not want to treat this as the reason we lost Caeden Michael.  This new baby is NOT why Caeden Michael is not ours.  The Lord was NOT holding out on us or making us jump through hoops to get to our real baby.  When we finally get a baby in our arms, I know we won't be able to imagine life any other way, but that doesn't mean a certain baby is destined to be ours.  I would compare it to dating and marriage.  I do not believe in a single soul-mate for a person.  I could "work" with many different men.  THE man for me ended up being the man I married.  He's the one.  I could have married another "one".  The same is true with these babies.  Sam and Grace could have been ours.  Isaiah could have been ours.  Caeden Michael could have been ours.  This one might be ours. 

She's due in just ten days. 

God has been SO gracious in helping me to stay in this moment.  I'm not getting ahead of myself- for once.  Perhaps because I feel so whipped around like a rag doll, but I'm really not looking forward or backward, but simply focused on this moment.  Every morning I do a quick countdown, and then I move on.  I'm praying- especially for this birth father- but I'm not obsessed.  It also helps that I already have what we would need, so I'm not constantly wondering whether I should or shouldn't buy anything. 

This is where we're at.  We've taken a deep breath and are diving in.  How could we say no? 

praying for grace