Were we DESPERATE?

Today, We Are Grafted In published a past blog post of mine about open adoption.  From it, I received the following comment:

I saw your post on WAGI and just want to say why on earth would you do an open adoption? Are you that desperate? You will never really be that child's parent in an open adoption. Also, what happens when mom either decides she wants to have more time and involvement then you agreeded too or decided when the kid if 6 to just disappear? 

I think if you stay tuned for part two, you will find your questions are answered.  However, I wrote those two posts when we were still contemplating open adoption, and now we are living it.  While I believe part two will answer your questions, I will take this opportunity to share what we have learned from experiencing an open adoption.


"ARE YOU THAT DESPERATE?"
Well, in the beginning, yes we were!  It was made abundantly clear to us that birth moms hold all the cards when deciding upon a family and that the vast majority of them chose an open adoption.  If we were to close ourselves off to that possibility, we would severely limit potential matches.


When I wrote that post, we were matched with a young woman, M, and her boyfriend.  The social worker was clear that they wanted an open adoption, complete with visits.  We were skeptical and scared, but decided to meet her.  We hit it off and really liked M.  We exchanged information and decided to keep in touch.  As I spent time with M, I was able to read her intentions and judge for myself how committed to adoption she was.  This brought me great peace.  Later, M was confined to bed rest and needed assistance.  I brought her some books and meals and took her to her doctors' appointments.  This was an amazing blessing for me as I got to know M and see the baby on the ultrasound multiple times.


Seeing that sweet baby on the ultrasound brought home the phrase I discussed in part 1: "Adoption begins in pain."  There were such mixed emotions as we watched that little guy on the screen.  There was joy at seeing a precious new life that was potentially my baby, but there was also great pain as I watched M's face.  Her eyes were glued to the screen- eager to soak up any time with him and capture every image.  Her enormous sacrifice and the pain it brought her cut deep into my soul.


While watching that ultrasound, I learned that the relationship between a baby and their birth mother is God-ordained and therefore sacred.  The reality is that the baby exists only because of that birth mother, in a similar way that Jesus's humanity exists only because of Mary's fiat.  She deserves the right to know if she is cared for, loved, and happy and to see that for herself through pictures or visits.  And the child ideally deserves to know where they came from and why adoption was chosen for them.  Through open adoption, both of these are achieved.


When the baby was born, we went to the hospital multiple times.  We loved on M, brought her gifts, flowers and food.  We respected the precious little time she had with the baby.  She respected our anxiousness to meet the sweet baby and allowed us to hold him and even feed him. My heart is filled with joy at the memory.  


The day we were supposed to bring him home, M called.  Her parents had begun to call her and greatly pressure her to keep the baby.  She didn't know what to do and hated what this would mean for us.  (Go here for more details on that phone call.)  Ultimately she decided to parent.  We were devastated, but looking back I am so grateful that we had those couple months to love on her and bless her.  I don't believe it was God's will to cause us both such pain, but I trust that He has and will use the relationship we had to bring her closer to Him.  


THREE DAYS LATER (this still boggles my mind) we received word of another match.  But this time the birth mom wanted a closed adoption.  We agreed, but when the baby was born, she wanted to meet us.  We really hit it off and bonded over the amazing beauty and preciousness of that baby girl.  That baby girl is now our daughter and will be forever!


While in the hospital, we exchanged information with Abigail's birth mom and have kept in touch.  We send her pictures via snail mail and email.  She has texted us on occasion, such as Thanksgiving to tell us how thankful she is for us.  (I almost fell over.  If only we could express to her how thankful we are for HER!)  In February we got together for the first time.  I was nervous, but had an overwhelming sense of peace about the opportunity.  


IT. WAS. AMAZING.  It was an enormous blessing for both of us.  Abigail's birth mom was able to see for herself how happy and healthy Abigail is.  She laughed as Abigail kept her little tongue hanging out, and showed us a picture of her as a little girl with her tongue hanging out!  We learned more about Abigail as we spent time with her birth mom.  


The biggest surprise was how much peace the experience brought me.  I had hoped that our get together would bring her birth mom healing.  I was not prepared for how much healing it would bring me.  She told us multiple times how happy she was for us- how satisfied she was with how we loved and cared for Abigail.  She single-handedly wiped out any fear that remained in my heart as she gave her blessing on our family.  

So, were we desperate enough to consider open adoption?  Yes.  But praise God for working through our desperation, because I am no longer desperate, I am thankful for our open adoption.  

"YOU WILL NEVER REALLY BE THAT CHILD'S PARENT IN AN OPEN ADOPTION."

This was a real fear that was present regardless of the type of adoption.  Would I really feel like her Mom?  Would I know she was mine despite the fact that she suddenly appeared in our home and family?   The answer?

YES.  100%, without a doubt, absolutely YES.  I am Abigail's Mom.  She is my daughter.  I didn't need the piece of paper to tell me (though it's nice to have!), I became Abigail's Mom the first time I held her.  How do I know?

• Knowing every facial expression, move and noise she makes.
• The sleepless nights as we battled colic.
• Being the only one who could soothe her those nights.
• Seeing her face light up when she sees me.
• The way she looks to me for approval and smiles.
• Knowing that everything I have is hers.  I would give anything and everything for her.
• Holding her all night long and breathing her in.
• Making decisions for her.
• Knowing that my heart has grown a million times over and could absolutely explode at any moment!  LOOK OUT!  
• AND SO MUCH MORE.

Abigail's relationship with her birth mom does not take away from our relationship as parents.  It enhances it.  She has the chance to see how loved she is, both by her birth mom who made an extraordinarily sacrificial and loving choice, and by us who do not cling to her with jealousy and fear, but give her the freedom to know her roots.

But there's more.  

If I'm not Abigail's Mom, then God isn't really my Father.  We have been adopted by the Father through our Lord Jesus Christ.  We are TRULY His sons and daughters.  Everything He has is ours.  He holds nothing back, but makes us co-heirs with Christ.   We are partakers of His divine nature and are blessed with every spiritual blessing in the heavens.  

So yes, we are truly her parents.  

"What happens when mom either decides she wants to have more time and involvement then you agreeded too?"

As I mentioned earlier, in the matching process, the birth parents hold all the cards.  They have the ability to end the relationship if their expectations are not met.  As adoptive parents, this is a frightening and vulnerable place to be.  But what's more frightening is the place the birth parents know they'll soon be in for the rest of the child's life.  It is a short period (relatively speaking) that we, as adoptive parents, are in that vulnerable position.  But as soon as their parental rights are terminated, WE hold all the cards.  Birth parents do not know if we will be true to our word and stay in contact or truly take good care of their precious gift.  We, as adopted parents, have the right to limit, or even terminate, contact if the relationship becomes unhealthy or dangerous.  And because all parties know this, the relationship is respected and honored.  

Are there some horror stories out there about open adoption?  Without a doubt.  The toxic two percent are usually publicized and sensationalized so as to drive fear into everyone's hearts.  And yet the potential for a beautiful and healing relationship is worth the risk.  

Thank you, Jesus, for leading us to an open adoption.  We love our birth moms!!!