"M-, you don't have to do this. I don't want you to be unsure about your decision."
I had told her this a few times over the course of the last few weeks, but that day- in that context- was the hardest thing I've ever done.
I didn't break down. I didn't cry. I didn't beg. I didn't- couldn't- even cry out for help from my husband. I remained calm, though the world was spinning around me.
When she told me that her mom was scared we were saying it was an open adoption, but would disappear as soon as it was final, I was able to acknowledge her fear. "Legally that could happen, M. But you KNOW us. You know we would never do that."
We talked for 25 minutes. And in the end, I convinced her to call her social worker as an objective third party who was looking out for M's best interest.
Then I hung up the phone and stared at the cabinet. In the middle of the phone call, J had realized what was going on and sat down beside me, strengthening me.
Tuesday after it happened, we prayed the Sorrowful Mysteries of the Rosary. As I reflected on Luke's account of the Agony in the Garden I read, "And to strengthen Him, an angel from Heaven appeared to Him." Luke 22:43
I cried. I praised God for sending an angel to strengthen me. There is not a single doubt in my mind that God was with me that morning. There was a strength that I do not have- a courage that only could have been given to me at that moment.
The moment I understood what was happening, I heard the Lord saying to me again and again,
"I will not, I will not, I will not in ANY degree leave you helpless, nor forsake you, nor relax my hold on you, most assuredly not." Hebrews 13:5- Amplified version
He did not. He has not. And I know that He will not.
He is faithful.
9 comments:
You were simply amazing and I have no doubt that the Lord strengthened you. This is just the type of thing I was talking about in my last post (the one from Friday). In fact, I thought of you often as I was writing that post.
You are truly an inspiration, and I mean that with the utmost sincerity. M was so blessed to have you and J in her life. The fact that you said you wanted her to be sure of her decision means so so much. Can you imagine if a bmom had doubts? How could she live with herself for the rest of her life if she wasn't sure?
I've thought a lot about what you wrote when you posted about what happened. Your first reaction was "how could they do this to M?" (referring to her family that didn't support her and then came in at the last minute and tried to control her decision). You thought of her and had compassion for her even in the midst of your own immense pain. You and J are an amazing couple and really are an inspiration to me.
Thank you so much for sharing this, Lauren. It's amazing what the Lord fortifies you with in time of need. I'm proud of you two and how open you are to that grace.
I had wondered how it actually "went down"... thank you for sharing this with us. It is comforting and inspiring. And, God's LOVE for you is palpable.
You amaze me dear. I'm so proud of your strength. I know it comforts you to get this off your chest and to those who get to read us, we are touched with your trust in the Lord. God bless you:)
Thank you for your kind words. You are too kind. The thing is- it wasn't me. It was only by the Grace of God. If you told me this story about someone else, I'd reply, "I could NEVER do that." If I think of this situation in the future, I think, "I'd never be able to do that again." Believe me- it was ONLY by the Grace of God. He alone could give me the strength to utter those words and not fall apart.
I didn't mean to post this. I wrote it and had it scheduled to publish, but then thought it was too much and saved it as a draft. Yesterday, I was changing the tags from "adopting our first" to "adoption attempt #3" and I must have published it by accident then. I didn't realize it until the comments started coming in! So I really appreciate your kind words and encouragement.
How did I miss this post? Well, now I see from your comment how I did. Anyway, thanks for sharing. ILY, L.
L, A
I too find it amazing how we can get strength when we need it. When I brought Gavin back to his birthmom and handed him over I though I would just drop to the ground, but no. Strength comes from above and helps us in our weakness! Praying for you.
Beautiful Post, Lauren. And I'm glad that you accidently posted. :)
Sooo glad to read this. I couldn't figure out how I missed it, then saw your comment. Love you, J, and Abigail!
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