Through Sorrow and Suffering

One of my favorite books is Hinds' Feet on High Places by Hannah Hurnard.  It is an allegory of the Christian life.  The main character, whose name is Much Afraid, is on a journey with the Good Shepherd (Jesus!) to the High Places.  The Good Shepherd promises to give her two companions for the journey- and she eagerly anticipates meeting Joy and Peace, only to find out that her companions are Sorrow and Suffering.  WHAT???  Then Sorrow and Suffering lead Much Afraid to the desert.  When Much Afraid calls out to the Good Shepherd to correct this error, he gently tells her, "That is the path, Much Afraid, and you are to go down there." 

Saint Theresa of Avila said, "Lord, if this is how you treat your friends, no wonder you have so many enemies!"  As we suffer our trials and weather the storms, it's easy to cry out, "But Lord!  We trust you!  We serve you!  Why are we still suffering?"  But Scripture did not tell us the way would be easy if we followed Him. In fact, Christ tells us we'll have to pick up our cross and follow Him.  We'll have to pick up our CROSS to follow Him.  Cross means sacrifice- and lay our hearts, hopes, dreams, hurts, and pain at the altar. In fact the Catechism (CCC 618) quotes Saint Rose of Lima as saying, "Apart from the cross, there is no other ladder by which we may get to heaven."  It is ONLY through the cross that we are able to share in the glory of Heaven, and we are called to participate in Christ's Sacrifice. 

Hinds' Feet on High Places is based on the book of Habakkuk.  Its climax is verses 3:17-19.  I've paraphrased these verses in a past post, and will apply them to this current situation.  I'm quoting the Amplified Version of the Bible.

Though you've given me sorrow and suffering as traveling companions,
though you've asked me to lay my heart and son on the altar,
though I'm terrified of risking it all again in another adoption,
though I'm terrified of not risking it all and never having a family,
Yet will I rejoice in the LORD and exult in my saving God.


The Lord God is my Strength, my personal bravery, and my invincible army; He makes my feet like hinds' feet and will make me to walk [not to stand still in terror, but to walk] and make [spiritual] progress upon my high places [of trouble, suffering, or responsibility]!  

Fear and Peace

*Joy Beyond the Cross writes about this book here!*
**The Reed of God study will return next Thursday.  If you have catching up to do, click here.**


Searching for and Maintaining Peace: A Small Treatise on Peace of Heart by Father Jacques Philippe had been on my Amazon wish list for almost a year.  I ordered some books a few weeks ago (including two copies of the Power of a Praying Parent for birth mom and dad...sigh) and needed something small to bump my order over $25 and get the free shipping.  So this finally made it in my cart.  When it arrived, I remember thinking, "I bet there's a reason I have this now.  I wonder if I'm going to need it."  At the time I thought I'd need it to get through those 48 hours.  Now I see I needed it to get through this time of mourning.  (Thank you, Lord, for your provision!)

It's a simple book with 110 pages jam-packed with wisdom.  The first chapter of part two is titled The Troubles of Life and the Fear of Being Without.  I think he wrote it just for me.  He writes:

"The most common reason for which we could lose our sense of peace is a fear caused by certain situations which touch us personally and in which we feel threatened, apprehensions in the face of present or future difficulties, fear of lacking something important, of not succeeding in such and such a project, and so forth." Pg. 23

"In fact, in each instance, it concerns a good" (pg. 23) he goes on to say.  Isn't this true for all of us? 

• We fear being barren. 
• We fear another adoption falling through. 
• We fear that we'll NEVER have children- that our family will never grow.
• We fear that our lives will somehow be incomplete.
• We fear for the children we (you) do have- for our husbands, parents and siblings. 
• We fear for our country and our future.

Worry, worry, worry...fear, fear, fear...It all robs us of our peace.  And everything we worry about concerns a good.  It is good that we want children and that we want them to grow healthy, holy and good.  But what control do we really have?  Do our worries and fears solve anything?

"It is not by making certain calculations and preoccupations that one is going to find a solution.  But who of you can add any time to your life by all his worrying? (Matthew 6:27)  Man is never assured of obtaining anything, and everything which he holds in his hands can easily slip from his grasp from one day to the next; there is no guarantee on which he can count on absolutely."  (Page 24)

"One could even say that the surest way to lose one's peace is precisely to try to assure one's own life solely with the aid of human industry, with personal projects and decisions or by relying on something else.  In what state of anxiety and torment does one place himself who thus seeks to save himself..." pg. 24

This is exactly what I encountered for the month leading up to Caeden Michael's adoption.  Every time I started to analyze the situation and try to evaluate its success rate, I'd go tumbling into darkness.  Over and over, the Lord has told me to trust Him NOW.  In this moment.  Don't get ahead of yourself.  "TRUST ME."

"We have only one solution: We must rely on  God alone, with total trust in Him, as Your heavenly Father knows what you need (Matthew 6:32)."

Help me, Lord.  Help me to trust you. Help me to be in this moment with you. You are the great I AM.  Let my response the same as Mary's- "I am your handmaid of the Lord.  Let it be done unto me according to Your Word."  Luke 1:38

"Our great drama is this: Man does not have confidence in God.  Hence he looks in every possible place to extricate himself by his own resources and renders himself terribly unhappy in the process rather than abandon himself into the tender and saving hands of his Father in heaven."  (pg. 26)

Praying that today you and I will abandon ourselves into the tender and saving hands of our Father in Heaven. 

A Vocation of Prayer

After our first adoption ended abruptly, I could NOT understand what had happened.  I write about my struggle here, and came to accept that my relationship with the twins was to be one of prayer.  I feel it is my duty and my privilege to pray for Sam and Grace.  God had showed us their names, and there is SUCH POWER in praying for a child by name.

When our second adoption fell through, I was ready to jump in to prayer again and accept that as my role.  The Lord had just as surely told us our son's name.  But my husband was not so ready.  The idea of calling another unknown child by name seemed too much ownership- too hard on our already tortured hearts.  I understood his heart, and so on my own, I prayed for "the little guy". 

It wasn't the same.

And now we have our third unsuccessful adoption.  The subject of his name was quite the drama as we prepared for this adoption.  His birth parents had named him and it was very important to them that he have this name.  We struggled to honor their wishes and yet obtain ownership of the name ourselves.  When my husband and I sat down to discuss the middle name, we had both come up with the same name.  I resisted for a while, because our God-son has a VERY similar first name and the same middle name.  But my best friend was thrilled with it, and it felt so right.  And as I wrote about here, it turned out to be a miracle because the birth parents had originally picked the same name! 

(Unfortunately, they changed their minds on his middle name after he was born, and it makes me really sad that we've lost that connection.  I don't understand why she named him differently.  She said her best friend did it.  I don't know.  I thought it was an incredible connection, and am still not sure what happened.)

After THAT adoption fell through, I knew, once again, my vocation was prayer.  I knew I'd pray for this fourth child by name.  But my heart ached to name the third child.  My sweet husband agreed to formally (in our hearts) name him, and so I'm proud to announce:

Sam & Grace
Isaiah
Caeden Michael

We love our precious spiritual children so much, and look forward to the day when we are united in Heaven, and all will be understood, and all will be filled with rejoicing.

An Angel Strengthened Him

When M called with the devestating announcement that she was considering parenting, I answered the phone with joy.  She had texted me earlier saying she'd be released that evening, and we were making plans to bring home our son that day.  When I heard the trembling in her voice, I sank to the kitchen floor.  I listened to her explain her crisis.  And then I heard myself say,

"M-, you don't have to do this.  I don't want you to be unsure about your decision." 

I had told her this a few times over the course of the last few weeks, but that day- in that context- was the hardest thing I've ever done. 

I didn't break down.  I didn't cry.  I didn't beg.  I didn't- couldn't- even cry out for help from my husband.   I remained calm, though the world was spinning around me.

When she told me that her mom was scared we were saying it was an open adoption, but would disappear as soon as it was final, I was able to acknowledge her fear.  "Legally that could happen, M.  But you KNOW us.  You know we would never do that." 

We talked for 25 minutes.  And in the end, I convinced her to call her social worker as an objective third party who was looking out for M's best interest.

Then I hung up the phone and stared at the cabinet.  In the middle of the phone call, J had realized what was going on and sat down beside me, strengthening me. 



Tuesday after it happened, we prayed the Sorrowful Mysteries of the Rosary. As I reflected on Luke's account of the Agony in the Garden I read, "And to strengthen Him, an angel from Heaven appeared to Him."  Luke 22:43

I cried.  I praised God for sending an angel to strengthen me.  There is not a single doubt in my mind that God was with me that morning.  There was a strength that I do not have- a courage that only could have been given to me at that moment. 

The moment I understood what was happening, I heard the Lord saying to me again and again,

"I will not, I will not, I will not in ANY degree leave you helpless, nor forsake you, nor relax my hold on you, most assuredly not."  Hebrews 13:5- Amplified version

He did not.  He has not.  And I know that He will not. 

He is faithful.

Songs of Hope

“Music expresses that which cannot be said

and on which it is impossible to be silent”

~Victor Hugo~

I have a playlist on my iPod called "Songs of Hope".  It has lifted my spirits and gotten me through many a hard time.  When our second adoption attempt fell through, we had a seven hour drive back home.  When it was my turn to drive, I sat in silence for hours.   I wrestled with the Lord and tried to make sense of it.  When I was ready, I put on this playlist and was able to praise Him for who He is- not for what He does for me.  It brought such healing to my soul. 

And so I'd like to share it with you.  Perhaps some of the songs will touch your heart as well.  Do you have others to add?  I'd love to hear your recommendations.

My all-time favorites:

• "And Your Praise Goes On" by Chris Rice
• "You Are My Hiding Place" by Selah
• "Divine Romance" by Phil Wickham
• "If You Want Me To" by Ginny Owens
• "Your Love is Extravagant" by Casting Crowns
• "Be Thou My Vision" by Ginny Owens
• "Blessed Be Your Name" by Matt Redman
• "Bring the Rain" by MercyMe
• "Praise You in the Storm" by Casting Crowns
• "Your Hands" by JJ Heller
• "Safe" by Phil Wickham
• "Jesus Draw Me Ever Nearer" by Keith and Kristyn Getty (Thanks, MB!)
• "Unredeemed" by Selah
• "I Will Carry You- Audrey's Song" by Selah

Other great songs on the playlist:

• "Call My Name" by Third Day
• "Lifesong" by Casting Crown
• "Never Let Go" by David Crowder Band
• "Hope Now" by Addison Road
• "God With Us" by MercyMe
• "Glory" by Casting Crown
• "Your Grace is Enough" by Matt Maher
• "Healing Hand of God" by Jeremy Camp
• "Winter Song" by Sara Bareilles and Ingrid Michaelson
• "How He Loves Me" by David Crowder Band

A special note about the band Selah:

One of the members of the band, Todd, and his wife Angie lost their baby girl in 2008.  She has a blog dedicated to their little one here.  You can click HERE to read their story.  It is powerful and life-giving, but very challenging.  "I will carry you" was written for their daughter, Audrey Caroline. 

Upload the songs, turn it up, and sing out praise to the Lord.  Praise Him in the Storm.  You are SAFE in His hands.  The Lord gives, and the Lord takes away;  blessed be the name of the Lord. 

It does wonders for the soul. 

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

And to my sweet blogging friends: I wanted to point out a note that my Mom wrote to you at the bottom of the comments of THIS post.  It's the second to the bottom (at this point).  She thanks you for your prayers and encouragement- and so do I.  Thank you, sweet friends.

Did God HEAR Me?

It turns out, yes.

Looking back in my journal and blog posts, I prayed that:

• my eyes would be fixed on Him
• I would judge my circumstances according to Him, not judge Him according to my circumstances
• we would be strong enough to walk away gracefully (more on this later)
• I would praise Him as much whether or not we did get our baby boy
• I wouldn't be tested.

Well 4 out of 5 ain't bad...

UGH.

As I've said before, there is a difference between God's perfect will and His permissive will.  His perfect will does not include evil- which includes suffering, pain, sorrow, sickness, tears, death...  We were made for Paradise- for the Garden of Eden- for Heaven. 

But His permissive will allows us to choose freely.  It allows ALL of us to choose freely.  And sometimes people choose things that hurt us.  And sometimes we choose things that hurt others.  And sometimes God allows us to be tempted or tried for a bigger reason.  He allowed Peter to be sifted.

"Simon, Simon, behold Satan has demanded to sift all of you like wheat, but I have prayed that your own faith may not fail; and once you have turned back, you must strengthen your brothers.  He said to Him, 'Lord, I am prepared to go to prison and to die with you.' But He replied, 'I tell you, Peter, before the cock crows this day, you will deny three times that you know me.'" Luke 22:31-34

"Satan has demanded".  Satan had to ask for permission to tempt Peter.  And God allowed him to.  Why?  To sift him.  He used the experience to sift out Peter's arrogance and drew out his humility.  God also allowed Job to be tested. 

"One day, when the sons of God came to present themselves before the Lord, Satan also came among them.  And the Lord said to Satan, 'Whence do you come?'  Then Satan answered the Lord and said, 'From roaming the earth and patrolling it.'  And the Lord said to Satan, 'Have you noticed my servant Job, and that there is no one on earth like him, blameless and upright, fearing god and avoiding evil?'  But Satan answered the Lord and said, 'Is it for nothing that Job is God-fearing?  Have you not surrounded him and his family and all that he has with your protection?  You have blessed the work of his hands, and his livestock are spread over the land.  But now put forth your hand and touch anything that he has, and surely he will blaspheme you to your face.' And the Lord said to Satan, "Behold, all that he has is in your power; only do not lay a hand upon his person.'  So Satan went forth from the presence of the Lord." Job 1:6-12

God pointed to Job to show an example of a righteous man, and Satan claimed Job's faith was only because of God's blessings.  He claimed that he could tempt Job to blaspheme and deny God's goodness.  And so a Heavenly battle began, and all the angels- the Sons of Man were cheering for Job.  And Job persevered and was able to say, "The Lord gave and the Lord has taken away; BLESSED BE THE NAME OF THE LORD."  Job 1:21b

Beth Moore teaches in When Godly People Do Ungodly Things (read for free here pgs. 77-98) that God desires to prove our faith to be authentic.  He wants to purify and refine us.  He will ALLOW- NOT PLAN- trials, temptations and suffering FOR A GREATER GOOD- for OUR greater good.

"In this you rejoice, although now for a little while you may have to suffer through various trials, so that the genuineness of your faith, more precious than gold that is perishable even though tested by fire, may prove to be for praise, glory and honor at the revelation of Jesus Christ."  1 Peter 1:6-7

"Yet He knows my way; if He proved me, I should come forth as gold."  Job 23:10.  Peter and Job were both whole-heartedly devoted- and they were both tested and tried by Satan.  God did not PLAN it, but He ALLOWED it and USED it.  It was not for nothing.  It was not wasted.   He is purifying us.  He is making us holy.

1 Thessalonians 5:23 says, "May the God of peace Himself make you perfectly holy and may you entirely, spirit, soul, and body, be preserved blameless for the coming of our Lord Jesus Christ.  The one who calls you is faithful and He will accomplish it." 

In the tenth chapter of Daniel, he receives a vision and begins to pray desperately for understanding. For three weeks he prays, fasts, and mourns. For three weeks he receives NO answer- no word. Then suddenly his guardian angel appears. Apologizing for being late, his angel explains in verses 12-14 that he set out the moment he heard Daniel's prayer, but that he was detained in a great battle with Satan until Saint Michael the Archangel intervened and helped.

When my prayers do not seem immediately answered, I think of this story, and wonder if there is a great battle happening around me. Does the Lord have such plans for our family that Satan will stop at nothing to prevent us from having children? I hope that doesn't sound like an arrogant question. It is the honest question of a girl trying to make sense of this crisis- and who knows sometimes sense cannot be made or understood, but only taken in faith.

As I sat studying this and reflecting on it, I was interrupted by a huge ROAR that rattled the whole house.  It could only be one thing- the Blue Angels were here.  I was instantly overcome by a desire to go, stand on the flight line, and watch them.  As I changed out of my pjs, I prayed, "God, are YOU calling me out here, or is Satan trying to distract me?!"  He (God) didn't stop me, so I went! 

I was SO glad I had on my sunglasses, because every time those planes roared by, tears came in my eyes. The sonic boom is so great and so terrible.  It cuts right through you- and yet it doesn't hold a candle to God's power. 

A man standing next to me had a radio that allowed him to hear the radio calls of the planes.  From what I could hear, the only one talking was the lead.  The others listened intently and followed his command. If they hesitated or moved a second too soon, it could be total destruction.  It is a matter of life or death that they follow his every command in the instant he gives it. 

And as I watched their flawless formation, I knew: I wouldn't want to be anywhere else.  Through the ups and downs, the seemingly near collisions and insane speeds, I need to- I want to- I HAVE to- listen to my Commander's voice.  I MUST follow His command and go where He says- even if that means suffering, sorrow and pain. 

And OH the GLORY it will bring when I can dance with Lord like that. 

Did God PLAN this?

As we try to make sense of this trial we are experiencing, so many sweet friends have told us to hang in there, because, "God has a plan".  I know our family and friends mean well by this comment- and I try to take it as it is intended.  But the thing is- the Lord did NOT plan this for us.  Our loving Father in Heaven never intended for us to suffer through these trials of pain, illness, or disappointment.  We were created for Paradise!  It's that pesky free will that keeps getting in the way.  As C.S. Lewis says in Mere Christianity, "If a thing is free to be good it is also free to be bad.  And free will is what made evil possible."  And yet, free will is the only thing that makes love possible.  Without it, we'd be a bunch of robots- and what's to love about that?  A world of automatic beings would hardly be worth creating. 

And yet He knew we were worth creating.  The risk was worth taking.  When these senseless things happen- when we suffering E.A.S. (empty arm syndrome), when my dear friend's precious baby is born with a heart problem, when my co-worker's husband has a brain-tumor...I know the Lord did not plan these things.  There is a big difference between His perfect will and His permissive will.

Lewis gives the example of a mother telling her children, "I'm no longer going to make you clean your room.  You have to learn to do this on your own."  Later she discovers the room is not neat.  Did she will the room untidy?  No- but she allowed it to be.  Lewis explains, "You make a thing voluntary and then half the people do not do it.  That is not what you willed, but your will has made it possible" (Mere Christianity). 

And yet I know that He will work all things for the good for those who love Him.  (Romans 8:28)  I know that the Lord God can resurrect all horrific situations.  He has already brought the ultimate good out of the worst evil by raising Christ from the dead after His Crucifixion- opening the door to Heaven as a result.  I know our King and Savior is trustworthy and worth of our praise.  And so I will choose to trust the Lord with my "why's" and these things that I don't understand- that don't make sense to me. 

Based on Habakkuk 3:17-19:

Though I am not holding this little guy in my arms,
Though I cannot understand why these adoptions are not going through,
Though we are not pregnant month after month,
Though I'm tired of dealing with the paperwork and expense of adoption and the frustration and heartache of remaining childless,
Though my heart is broken,

YET I WILL REJOICE IN THE LORD, I WILL BE JOYFUL IN GOD, MY SAVIOR.  THE SOVEREIGN LORD IS MY STRENGTH.