When Will I Get It?- and an update

When will I get it? 


A couple of weeks ago, I wrote a post on FEAR.  I was over-analyzing our circumstances in this adoption and getting caught up in how "safe" we were.  The Lord caught me as I was falling, and spoke straight to my heart.  I "got" it.  And I lived it...for a while.

Thursday I found myself falling again.  Nothing happened- just once again over-analyzing how likely this is to actually go through for us.  And again...I found myself falling. 

I imagined being in the hospital and having our case worker come out to tell us that they'd changed their minds.  And the panic-stricken shock and grief in that imagined scenario began to cripple me.  How could I survive that?  For two days I was sinking- KNOWING I needed to keep my eyes on Christ and telling myself, "Look up!!!!  You MUST look up!!!" but sinking still. 

At one point I thought there was no way I could look ahead and trust Him through finalization.  And our sweet, merciful Savior did not condemn me, but met me where I was.  "Can you trust me for the next hour?"  "Yes, Lord, I can trust you with this hour."  And so we went through the day in this manner- one hour at a time.

I poured out my heart and fears to the Lord...and a couple close friends (it's always nice to have the Lord "with skin on"!) and that helped me.  My sweet friend Emily prayed over me and brought a glimpse of peace. 

Then I put on my "Songs of Hope" playlist softly and got out my verse cards.  For the last ten years, when I was dealing with something difficult, I would write Scripture verses on index cards.  I would either carry them around with me or hang them all over the house and car where I could see them and be strengthened by them.  So I opened my treasured cards and began to pray over our Lord's words.  And slowly, but surely, I felt Him speaking to me and healing my soul.  He told me to "Take courage!" in John 16:33, and then gave it to me as I opened my hands.  Here are some more of my favorites.

"My soul be at rest IN GOD ALONE, from whom comes my hope."  Psalm 62:6.  ONLY in Him will I find rest and hope. 

"Jesus Christ is the same yesterday, today and forever."  Hebrews 13:8.  No matter what happens, God is God and He is who He says He is.  He is our Savior- mighty to save and has conquered the world.  In Him alone is my hope.

"Immediately Jesus stretched out His hand and CAUGHT him, and said to him, 'O you of little faith, why did you doubt?'"  Matthew 14:31  This picture of Peter walking on water has struck a chord with me during this journey.  I need the Lord's discipline in this question.  Why AM I doubting? 

"Have NO ANXIETY AT ALL, but in everything, by prayer and petition, WITH THANKSGIVING, make your requests known to God.  Then the PEACE OF GOD that surpasses ALL UNDERSTANDING will GUARD YOUR HEARTS AND MINDS in CHRIST JESUS."  Phil 4:6-7

Saturday morning, I spent some quiet time with the Lord- and He was RELENTLESS!!  After the last bout of fear, Emily had reminded me of Beth Moore's Bible study on Esther.  As Esther decides whether to risk her life to approach the King and plead for her people, she considers the worst case scenario.  She decides to fast and pray as a method of preparation, and asks her friends to do the same, then announces, "If I perish, I perish."  She has considered the worst case scenario and chosen to accept it. 

Beth Moore encourages us to consider the worst case scenario (as I mentioned Linda Dillow did in the FEAR post) and to ask yourself, "THEN WHAT?"  And this is how the Lord dealt with me this morning.  That mental picture is my worst case scenario. 

"THEN WHAT?"  Well, I'd collapse on the hospital floor.
"THEN WHAT?"  Well, I'd sob, beg and plead.
"THEN WHAT?"  Well, I guess they'd make me go home.
"THEN WHAT?"  I'd never want to get out of bed.
"THEN WHAT?"  I'd eventually get out of bed.

"THEN WHAT?"  I'd feel like I could never smile or laugh again.

"THEN WHAT?" I'd be terrified to ever try to adopt again.

"THEN WHAT?"  I guess you'd heal my heart.  Life would go on.  I'd cling to you. 

He then pointed me to Hebrews 13:5.  Now in the Hebrew and Greek, the word "very" does not exist, so to emphasize something, they repeat the word.  If they want to say something is very beautiful, they say it is "beautiful beautiful".  Only one word is ever repeated THREE times in Scripture and it is in Isaiah and again in Revelation.  The word is "HOLY".  "Holy, holy, holy is the Lord of hosts"!  All the angels are crying out in worship! 

And (to my knowledge) there is likewise only one triple negative, which is found in Hebrews 5:13.  Three negatives precede the verb.  So my NAB edition states the verse as this:

"I will never forsake you or abandon you." 

But the Amplified Bible writes it like this:

"I WILL NOT, I WILL NOT, I WILL NOT in ANY degree leave you helpless, nor forsake you, nor relax my hold on you, ASSUREDLY not." 

And so once again, I'm relaxing in His grip of grace.  I can relax and proceed knowing that God is God- and He can use me whether it's through my joy or pain.  He will not let me go- and that's ultimately what matters.

UPDATE!  Our birth mom is dilated, contracting and doing great!  Baby boy has DOUBLED his weight since bed rest began and is a great size now!  This little boy might come any day now!

And...I bought diapers, wipes and formula.  This was huge for me.  This was the first thing I've actually bought- though people have given me things.  Since the last time I attempted to buy things, it didn't go to well, this was a huge step for me and it felt good to get out of the store without a phone call with terrible news.