FEAR

Over the course of last week, I took my eye off the ball.  More precisely, I took my eyes off of Christ.  I was like Peter, stepping out of the boat in faith, only to get distracted by my circumstances and fall into the raging waters of FEAR.

• What if she changes her mind? 
• What if we buy things and they decide to parent?
• What if I don't make it out of Target again?
• What if my heart is crushed? 

I found myself grasping for straws- looking for reasons to believe.  I'd hear a positive story or would just "feel" good about our situation and would have a moment of peace, only to fall back into fear.  At the same time, I didn't know how to pray- not that I was making time to really pray.  I don't want to pray that a woman has to part with her child!  But I DO want this to work out for us!  I know I can pray the perfect prayer, "Thy Will be done", but I like to pray specifically and didn't know what that looked like.

Friday, I went to my old trusted book, Calm My Anxious Heart.  Linda Dillow writes a whole chapter called "Trusting God with the What Ifs".  It was this chapter that made me realize how severe the consequences are when we take our eyes off of Christ.  She notes Jeremiah 17:5-8 (NASB):

Thus says the Lord, "Cursed is the man who trusts in mankind and makes flesh his strength, and whose heart turns away from the Lord.  For he will be like a bush in the desert and will not see when prosperity comes, but will live in stony wastes in the wilderness, a land of salt without inhabitant.

Blessed is the man who trusts in the Lord and whose trust is the Lord.  For he will be like a tree planted by the water that extends its roots by a stream and will not fear when the heat comes; but its leaves will be green, and it will not be anxious in a year of drought nor cease to yield fruit.

Am I to be a woman who trusts myself and my circumstances?  Am I going to try to handle the What ifs of life by making flesh my strength?  NO!  I'm going to make the LORD my trust.  A woman who does that will continue to bear the fruit of the Spirit- love, patience, gentleness, joy- even in a year of drought.  If I keep my eyes on Christ, it will not kill me to lose this baby.  I will continue to be the work of His hand.

As a result of dealing with infertility, our hearts have been conditioned to loss.  Each month we eagerly anticipate a positive pregnancy test.  As the end of my cycle approaches, I note every pregnancy symptom and become convinced that I am pregnant.  THIS time is different.  THIS time it's really going to happen.  I calculate due dates and plan how to reveal the big news to my parents, only to start the next day.  My husband and I have also had two unsuccessful adoptions of three children that will always be in our hearts.  We were crushed by those losses and still hurt from them. 

So it only seems natural to fear.  Yes, this time DOES seem different- but what if it's not?  How can I get my hopes up?  How can I not?

Dillow notes, "Perhaps because waiting for an inevitable disaster is worse than the disaster itself" (Calm My Anxious Heart, pg. 151).  May I add a resounding, "AMEN!!"  Waiting for our birth mom to changer her mind is much worse than if she just changed her mind!  Isn't this true in most circumstances?  She describes three steps to handle worrying. 

1. "Ask yourself what is the worst that can possibly happen.
2. Prepare to accept it if you have to.
3. Then calmly proceed to improve on the worst" (Calm My Anxious Heart, pg. 155).

In my mind right now, the worst that can possibly happen is that I'll either get a dreaded phone call at Target again or we'll have bought and prepared everything, only to have him not come home with us.  The first I've survived before.  The second?  My purpose here on Earth is to glorify the Lord.  If that's how the Lord will use me to bring Him glory, then I accept His will for me. 

And if all of this was not enough to reflect on over the last two days, the Lord really drove it home in the Adoration Chapel today.  As I asked Him how to pray for our birth mom and her child, He told me to pray that WE would be strong enough to give him up.  If we already love him so much and would do anything for him, she must love him that much more.  If she can love him enough to make an adoption plan, than we can love him enough to bow out gracefully if she decides to parent. 

Jesus, I trust you with our family.