I Can't Stop Crying

My best friend and her kids left today.  She had company coming in town today- though she offered to have them reschedule their plane tickets- and I thought I'd be okay.

But my house is so. dang. empty.

J and I took about 5 seconds inside the empty, silent house before deciding to get out of dodge.  He suggested a movie so we went to see the new Steve Carell flick.  It turned out to be perfect- very very funny- but so not PG-13. 

We came home and took a nap. We talked and I cried before and after the nap.  He's been so strong for me, and I was so glad to be able to really see what was in his heart.  There's just this deep, deep sadness.  It's not a sharp pain, but this dull and enormous ache. 

He had a class from 5-7 and heated up some left-overs for a snack before he left.  Upon taking the corelle bowl out of the microwave, he dropped or bumped it or something, but it shattered into millions of pieces.  We both stared at it.  As I went to get the broom I burst into tears saying, "This is our life!  We're shattered!  There are pieces of us everywhere."  It was so pathetic that we both started laughing. 

After he left, it REALLY got quiet.  Monday's my grocery store day, so I decided to head out.  But while I was getting my coupons and list ready, I came across a coupon.  Let me explain.

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I am an eternal optimist, and if I came across a good baby coupon that didn't expire in month, I'd keep it.  When we found about about this baby and I realized I would be able to use this coupon, I cried with joy.  This coupon has been so symbolic for me and I left it on the counter top (which I don't do) for the longest time. 

So when I saw the coupon again, I just burst into tears.  I called my Mom and gathered encouragement.  Then I crumbled up the coupon and tried to throw it away.  But I couldn't.  It expires March 2011.  Surely...SURELY.... 

So now it sits, crumbled up on my counter top.  So symbolic of everything I'm feeling. 

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I did make it to the grocery store.  And ran into a friend with a new (7 week) baby.  I immediately started to cry and she just loved on me.  I hardly know this girl.  We're in the same Church circle, but she and I haven't crossed paths very often.  But she told me she's been pumping breast milk for me.  That set me off all over again.  Can you believe it?  What a generous, amazing gift.  I'm stunned. 

And now...I'm just sad and heavy hearted.  I'm so thankful for your encouragement, comments, emails and prayers.  It's helpful.  I know the Lord is loving me through you all.

We've made an appointment to talk to our social worker tomorrow- to try to talk through some of this and figure out where or how to go from here.