Update

We are THREE WEEKS away from the due date! 

(Hopefully really this time.  Last time I thought we were three weeks away, they added ten days to the due date!)

This week was really cool because I took our birth mom (M) to TWO doctors appointments!

On Tuesday I brought over some food and a couple of books to help pass the time while on bed rest.  We talked for a while at her apartment and I marveled at how incredibly strong and dedicated she is.  Again, I cannot imagine anyone more positive and peaceful about her decision to make an adoption plan.  We headed over to the doctor and it was just an ob exam, so I waited in the lobby area.  We talked about a lot of thing; she's very open and forth-coming.  My only concern is that I think she might be too positive about the adoption.  I wonder if she's in for a rude awakening when suddenly it's super-hard.  She says things like, "I guess I'll cry, but I think they'll be tears of joy for what I'm giving him."  WOW.  Amazing- but is it realistic?  I brought this up with our case worker though, and she said that often girls will focus on the positive and use that as their strength to make it through the toughness. 

We emailed back and forth a little this week.  My parents bought us a crib, and I asked her if she wanted to see it.  She did and thought it was gorgeous.  She sent it to her Mom, too, who thought it was so exciting that baby boy had a crib.  :)  Most of our email was pretty surface-level, but out-of-the-blue she sent me a lengthy email pouring out her heart.  She didn't talk about the baby at all, but other things in her life that were stressful.  She seems to really trust me and even said I was like a second mother to her.  I think that's a very positive thing in seeing me as a mother.  I'm sure it helps her in placing the baby in my care. 

Yesterday I took her to the ultra-sound.  In a previous e-mail, I expressed my desire to attend, but told her I completely understand if she's not comfortable with that at all.  She never responded, and I wasn't sure what she was going to do, but when they called her back, I stayed seated and she then insisted that I come with her.  She introduced me as the adoptive Mom to all three nurses we encountered.

The first nurse had clearly worked with her before and was just zooming over everything.  This was my first sonogram and I was on the edge of my seat trying to figure out what was what.  I asked him if he could point some things out, but he kind of blew me off saying he's not focused on that but on measurements and movement.  I was incredibly disappointed, but didn't push it any further because it was already a little awkward.   He did finally zoom in on baby boy's face, but it wasn't very clear.  I asked if he could print it for my husband and he replied, "I don't print pictures if they're not great."  Great.  Thanks.

So he left and birth-mom (M) and I chatted a little about how precious he is and how amazing that technology is.  Then ANOTHER nurse came in and she was totally upbeat.  She said the previous nurse said we wanted a better look at the baby and that we hadn't gotten any great shots.  So she hooked the machine back up and took her time showing us his face and zooming in.  This time I could totally see and, of course, got all teary eyed. 

I was elated, but then I looked down and saw M's face.  This chatty, positive girl, was silent and staring at the screen.  It completely broke my heart.  It made it hard to be excited. 

There are so many difficult, complicated, complex emotions here.  I never expected to hurt so badly for our birth mom- whoever she turned out to be.  I wonder if it would be harder or easier if she admitted how hard this is and will continue to be.  I just love her to pieces already and hate to see her hurting silently.

On a happier note- check out the incredibly beautiful crib my parents bought us!   Yes, we had a crib from a friend, but my Grandmother bought my Mom a crib for me, and my Mom really wanted to carry on the tradition.  I resisted for a while, but the current crib's side rail that goes up and down wasn't working right, and after reading that those types of cribs have been recalled, I decided to get the new one.  And I'm SOOOOOOOOOO excited that they bought us this one.  I think it's incredibly beautiful!!!!