Our two big barriers to fertility are endometriosis and PolyCystic Ovary Syndrome. When I began nursing Gianna, I took medicine for a year to stimulate my milk supply. I didn't have a cycle for fourteen months, and the few cycles I've had, the pain has been much more tolerable and bearable. I suspect nursing her cleared up my endo.
After the adoption fell through last week, I found myself really hoping and praying for a pregnancy. Kind of like a consolation prize? I haven't anticipated my period this way in a long time. Definitely not since we found out about Gianna, and probably not since Abigail was born. I am so content with my girls and am thankful for my infertility because it brought them to me. But I was still really hoping that this month would be fruitful.
But I started today.
I didn't cry. It didn't ruin my day. It was just such a bummer! I felt like MAN! If it isn't happening now- it likely never will! I'm okay with it never happening, it just surprises me. Even after all this time, it still surprises me.
I've taken the girls to a chiropractor a couple times this last month. (More on that later.) I'm really impressed with the doctor and her abilities. But I'm intrigued with the idea of accupuncture, and more specifically the high success rates she has with achieving pregnancy. I'm totally new to all things outside of western medicine, so this is very foreign to me. Have any of you done it? What did you think?
And why do I feel funny- not quite guilty, but uneasy- about pursuing a pregnancy when we are so totally satisfied with adoption? There's clearly nothing wrong with it, yet I wonder if we should even bother. Perhaps adoption is the ministry we're really called to and I should just let pregnancy go?
22 comments:
God Bless you Lauren! Thanks for sharing your vulnerability. This sounds like such a multi-layered cross. You are in the my thoughts and prayers this week.
You could pursue the acupuncture/alternative medicine with a casual attitude. It would probably provide lots of other benefits even if you didn't get pregnant. Worth a shot, right? :)
I'm so sorry!
I would give the acupuncture a shot. Why not? I don't have any experience as far as fertility goes. But, my grandmother did acupuncture several years ago. She couldn't walk an was on a whole slew of medications. Within a few months she was walking and able to come off of and lower some of her medications. It was pretty amazing.
I don't think there is anything wrong with desiring/pursuing pregnancy... you can still *love* adoption and feel called to adoption while also desiring pregnancy. :) I believe it was Russell Moore that discussed the link/connection between biological and adoptive parenthood... it's not an "either/or"... both are good and draw meaning from each other. :) Not sure if I am making sense here, but yeah, Moore articulates it better. :)
Regarding acupuncture... I've had several clients do acupuncture. None have gotten pregnant (and their acupuncturist was definitely focusing on fertility). However, they did seem to gain other health benefits! I have a friend who is an RN who swears by it (she is single so not TTC, however, she has many neck/back injuries that are managed far better by acupuncture than conventional meds). It can't hurt to try - maybe like Nicole said, with a more casual "this could be good for my health" attitude! (And ps. I love the chiro too!!).
Hugs from me. Adoption is beautiful and your girls are proof of that. Pregnancy is beautiful too and there is nothing wrong with desiring it.
And I'm anxious to hear about your experience with taking the girls to the chiro!
My entire family is adjusted by our chiro on average twice a week. When properly aligned our bodies are better able to live up to their God-given potential and function better and heal better. I think acupuncture is similar in that you aren't putting anything artificial into your body...you are just trying to help it achieve it's full potential.
Acupuncture and pregnancy...I know it's anecdotal, but I have a good friend who swears it is the reason she became pregnant. What can it hurt???
Grieving infertility....I'm 43 (yikes, that sounds old) and have 3 wonderful kiddos via the blessing of adoption, but there are times I still ache for pregnancy. I think that longing is just part of our being human. It doesn't detract from our loving and being thankful for the children we have.
Sending prayers for inner peace your way.
You know, I see what you're saying and it reminds me of my friends who have several biological children (sometimes 6 or 7 even) and can't get pregnant again, and they mourn. They're separate "things" - children and fertility - even though people generally act as if your children should 'quell' the desire to have any more children, that's so not true. Just because you have children already, doesn't make the pain of infertility any less painful. It might make it more painful, in fact, because you know what you're missing out on.
Keep trucking my friend, keep trucking. Mourn as much as you need to. Never lose hope. And enjoy those beautiful little babes!! :)
I worked in a Chiropractic/Acupuncture office for 2 years and have seen similar cases over and over (and may, in fact, be one myself). Both forms - chiropractic and acupuncture - can be very helpful in conceiving and is certainly good for one's overall health as well.
You will be in my prayers! I know this is a hard cross to carry. God bless you!
I am so sad for you that your infertility is still hurting. It is so hard to come face to face with the facts that you don't have control over adoption or pregnancy, and you dealt with BOTH in the last couple weeks! That is a huge cross!!!
I LOVE both your girls! They are proof of God's blessing on your family!
Although I don't long for pregnancy anymore, I think it is more because I feel like God is calling us to live in the moment with our 2 children and not seek (to control) to add more children to our family at this time. I HAVE FULL PEACE about this, which is why it doesn't hurt anymore. If God has placed a longing for more children on your heart...pray about it and seek His Will...it could very well be to pursue both pregnancy and adoption at the same time.
p.s. no experience with acupuncture
Have you had surgery for the Endo?
In my experience you have to b married to the acupuncturist for it to be economical! Lol. It was expensive and time consuming.....
Not sure if I've commented before, but I'vebeen following your blog since long before you adopted Abigail. I think that your disappointment is much like that of women suffering secondary infertility. Yes, you already have two beautiful children, but your heart wants MORE! And there is nothing wrong with that. There's also nothing wrong with wondering what your biological children would look like or longing to experience a pregnancy. Totally understandable & normal.
Big fan of acupuncture :)
And, the more the merrier when it comes to children!! I desire 14, myself ;)
Obviously, only you and your husband can decide what's the right fit for your family. Personally, I think that acupuncture that's done well leads to general overall wellness (although I have not yet been to an acupuncturist myself, I would like to go sometime). I think that like Western medicine, it's going to help some women achieve pregnancy, but not everyone. But even if you don't get pregnant, it seems like it has the potential to help you be healthier, and not likely to have any adverse side effects. Hope you find the right answer for you!
I actually tried acupuncture when trying to conceive E. I did it for several months and the month we changed my meds I got pregnant so I would be more inclined to think it was the meds but maybe the acupuncture boosted my fertility and it was the combination. Only God knows what he used to bring forth life in my, at the time, infertile system? But if you are intrigued by the acu and think it may help (and it isn't going to cost so much you'll be really upset if it doesn't work), then I say give it a try! It can't hurt!! Praying for you!!
I'm so sorry :( *hugs* I do have a friend who used accupuncture successfully to get pregnant! Hey, it's worth a try, right?
I love you.
Once again, could have written this post.
Adoption, infertility, and everthing that comes with both can be complicated (and for me confusing even) emotions to live through.
Sometimes I wonder if I am schizophrenic. One minute I will feel the tears well up inside about my inability to conceive. The loss is so acute, so real in my heart. The next minute I'm chasing my little munchkins around and they have me in stitches and I just feel like its all ok.
I think being infertile, whether primary or secondary, is a real loss. Adoption is a true gain and for me was just so healing in so many ways.
As for the endometriosis, I am a strong believer in surgery to correct it. As you know, many of us on the blogs have had surgery. (I had four surgeries,actually, before I conceived.) Although endometriosis can cause infertility, it can often times be overcome.
PCOS I am less knowledgeable on. If you ever have any questions about surgery and endo (and if you've been down this road already please forgive me), let me know. I know I'm biased, but my husband is pretty knowledgeabe!!:)
I will pray for your heart.
I love you sweet friend. I'm so glad that the girls have allowed you the beautiful gift of hope and desire without being robbed of your present moments. My heart hurts with yours. Hugs and prayers.
I completely relate to this post!! I feel exactly the same about adoption and infertility. Prayers for you.
I'm so sorry about the adoption fall through.
I agree with trying acupuncture with the casual attitude. Like you, as adoption worked for me, sometimes I consider giving NaPro a try again. I think there is a reason it is on your heart. Prayers coming your way!
So much I want to say about this post but I think it will require much more space. Maybe I need to blog about it myself... But yes, after 15 years and 3 adoptions, IF still hurts. Not like it used to but the ache to add more to our family but having my hands tied is overwhelming sometimes. And yes, I know well the angst that pursuing a pregnancy feels when you are so grateful for your adoptions. But I think that's how our Lord works...He wants our hearts to continue to grow and expand and be open to more all the time.
I've done the eastern medicine route (acupuncture, herb tinctures, diet modifications) and I do think there is some merit to it...certainly nothing wrong with giving it a shot.
Thanks so much for sharing, that was so beautiful! We are on waiting lists for adoption, but I often wonder if I will ever really make peace with our infertility.
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